Fairly Unfunny Tales

Once upon a time, there was an old man named John. He was a proud and noble man, capable of fighting the strongest of villains who dared to hurt his fellow townspeople. In his later years, John became mayor of his fair village, hoping to one day pass the title along to his son, John Jr.

However, John Jr. was not as smart as his father. In fact, he was downright boorish and stupid. No matter what John and his wife taught John Jr., from business and leadership lessons to strength skills, the young man never strayed from his own stubborn ways. John Jr. was also a lazy son, forcing his parents to do all of his work for him.

One day, John became sick and bed-ridden. As he lay dying, John whispered his last words to his son:

“John Jr., I have acquired a great amount of wealth over the years from protecting this village from the outside world. Now, that burden belongs to you. I wish that you had paid more attention to my lessons, but it is too late now. Go out and use the riches that I have made to make your own.”

Then John passed away.

After the funeral, John Jr. looked at his family’s immense amount of possessions. His father had accrued 100 cows, 200 sheep, 400 chickens, and 20 acres of land. That seemed enough to John Jr., who sat back and did nothing to increase his wealth. Soon, a drought hit the land, devastating the village. John Jr. watched as his livestock died, one by one, due to lack of food and water. He had to sell off his land an acre at a time to stay out of debt.

3 years later, John Jr. and his mother were living in complete poverty. They only owned the cottage and one cow that gave them milk everyday and protected the cottage from burglars. John Jr.’s mother blasted her son for squandering the family’s wealth. She sent him to the market with their cow to sell it for money that they could use to restart the family business.

On the way to the market, John Jr. ran into an old man with an enticing offer. The old man would give John Jr. a bag of three beans for the cow. But these weren’t just any beans, oh no. They were magic beans. All one had to do was follow the instructions with each bean to make it grow in the appropriate manner. John Jr. jumped at the offer and hurried home to his mother, who could not have been any angrier.

“Don’t worry, mom,” John Jr. said. “I know a great deal when I see one.” These beans will give us great wealth.

John Jr. planted the first bean. Instead of feeding it water, John Jr. poured alcohol on the plant. One day later, the plant sprouted. John Jr. could not believe his good fortune. He continued to feed the plant alcohol and soon enough, the plant grew larger and larger, going high into the sky. However, John Jr. could not climb this great stalk, for the spikes would tear off his hands. The first bean proved to be useless.

Next, John Jr. planted the second bean. This bean, the directions said, would require an immense amount of love and attention to sprout. John Jr. sat by the plant day and night, night and day, asking it to grow and save his family. “You will be my greatest achievement, the source of all my wealth,” John Jr. said. “I love you.” After 1 year of sitting by the bean, selling the cottage and his mother to pay for supplies, a tiny bud sprouted. John Jr. could not contain his excitement. He ran through the village thanking the heavens for the miracle. When he returned home, he was distraught to find the tiny plant dead. John Jr.’s parade about town left the plant without anyone to give it words of encouragement. The second bean failed him.

The third and final bean only required water and sun to grow. John Jr. gave it what little water he had left, and soon, a strong stalk grew, bearing beans that John Jr. could sell. Nevertheless, the stalk’s yield would not be enough to feed John Jr. for a long period of time. Perhaps if he had not sold off the rest of his wealth, he may have survived.

Finally, John Jr.’s mother returned with her new husband, Cliff. Disgusted with John Jr.’s actions and the squalor in which he lived, they forced him off the property, never to return to the village again.

What’s the lesson, boys and girls? Fairy tales suck. This story needed more dick jokes.


1 Comment

  1. I thought this would end with a plane crash.

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