Over the past few weeks, through the efforts of our crack undercover investigative team, we brought you the first two excerpts from the pages of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s private diary. Today, the exposition continues. In this entry, we take a look at Bettman’s thoughts leading up to the 1997 NHL Expansion.
I finally have done it. I finally have got the issue of once-again expanding the NHL on the table. Those half-wit owners just can’t understand that I’m an idea man, and if they were to just follow my lead, we could bring the NHL to levels of unparalleled success, rivaling the NFL. So we decided on having the big vote this June, and I have some ideas on where we should put the new teams.
First off, it’s a no-brainer where at least two teams should go: places where it’s really warm all year long. In places where it’s hot, they really like ice, right? Mmmm…Sun Tea. Yummy! I don’t know maybe some place like Atlanta. Being the NHL historian that I am, I am absolutely certain no one has ever thought of putting a team in a place like Atlanta before, and they are really doing great things down there with the Hawks’ franchise, so I don’t see how the fans down there in Arkansas wouldn’t support a hockey team. And I heard they really pack ’em in for the Atlanta Braves. That Ted Turner is a damn genius and I wouldn’t mind getting a chance to meet that Jane Fonda broad. Nice piece of ass there. Hoo-boy.
You know who else is a nice piece of ass? That Dolly Parton. Her boobies are humongous! Doesn’t she have a theme park or something in Tennessee? I bet she’d be real impressed if I figured out a way to place a real NHL team in her home state. Maybe she’d let me touch her chest-melons. Hee-hee! That does it. I’m going to suggest Nashville as a place to put the team. To me, nothing says NHL hockey like country music!
In my proposal, I suggested we add four teams, so I need to think of two more places. Let me think, let me think. Whoa. I have to slow down. My head feels like it did that time I ate a whole gallon of frozen yogurt. My poop smelled like peaches!
Gotta focus, GB. What was I writing about? Oh yeah. Hockey. There has to be another warm place to put a hockey team. Let’s see. How about Mexico? Nah, too ethnic…and tacos always give me the runs. Oh! I know! Columbus, Ohio! Nice and tropical. And a huge metropolitan area to boot! Those Ohio folks are the salt of the earth, I tell you.
Let’s see here. One more place. Some bozo at the office was telling me about some place called Min–nes–oh–tah. What a weird name! And I’m pretty sure hockey already failed once miserably there, but that was well before my time, like in the 1800’s or something. You would think people would love hockey at the North Pole with all the ice and stuff, but maybe they are too busy making toys for Santa Claus. I don’t know about this one, though – do Eskimos even know what hockey is? I’ll have to think about that one a bit more.”