Teemu Selanne Returns From “Retirement” But Not For The Reasons One Would Suspect

Selanne with Cup

Teemu Selänne announced he will make his return to the Anaheim Ducks lineup after signing a 1 year contract with the club yesterday, joining Scott Niedermayer as the second Duck to hem and haw for half a season only to come back when it was convenient for them. Both guys are team players all the way around, in my opinion.

Either way, I’m sure their fellow Ducks are pleased to have them back in the fold – especially Selänne, who led the team in goals, points, power play goals, game-winning goals, shots and shooting percentage last season. It’s surprising why a player who had so much left in the tank would “retire” in the first place. Said Ducks’ Vice President/General Manager Brian Burke:

“It took Teemu several months to determine if he had the passion and determination to return to the NHL, and we are thrilled to have him back.”

Of course you are, Brian. Why wouldn’t you be? The thing is, Teemu did not tell you the real reason he came back, and it wasn’t because his passion for playing the game of hockey had somehow miraculously returned. Selänne came back because he was broke due to some horrible business investments.

Selanne Sauna

It all started a few weeks after the Ducks won the Stanley Cup. Some shady Finns (who are very difficult to differentiate from the “sketchy” ones) approached Teemu with some suggestions regarding how he could make some money after his storied NHL career was over and was living comfortably in retirement. The Finns suggested attaching his good name and reputation to some business endeavors they had saved “especially for him.” What follows are some of the “can’t miss proposals” the Finns floated to Teemu, which he bought into hook, line and sinker; both figuratively and financially:

  • Teemu Selänne’s Organic Salami
  • Teemu’s Emu Farm
  • Selänne’s Italian Deli featuring Homemade Teemumisu
  • Selänne’s Boat Tours: Travel Through Peru in a Canoe with Teemu
  • Race to the Finnish Line: Teemu Selänne’s Go-Kart Park
  • Teemu Selänne’s Tsunami Water Park

As you probably have realized by now, Teemu had been swindled – badly. These so-called friends were nothing more than Finnish con-artists out to make a quick buck. It must have been humiliating for him to have been taken in on such an obvious scam. Hopefully, the experience has taught Teemu some valuable lessons.

Nevertheless, Teemu, at least you can play out the balance of this season and make some decent scratch at the same time. Just keep a look out for people trying to take advantage of your dumb Finnish ass. On second thought, who in their right mind would try to outsmart this guy? 

Toothless Teemu


  1. Is Teemu Selänne’s Organic Salami made with meat from the emus from his Emu farm?

  2. yeah whatever, the real news today is brooks orpik will be playing left wing tonight against the devils. orpik on the wing and kris beech re-signed, goddamn if shero and therrien dont know how to please the fans

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