The Penguins and Senators are Getting Totally Screwed By Having to Play Overseas Next Season; The Rangers and Lightning? Not So Much

Stag in Prague

In his sublimely entertaining appearance in the broadcast booth during Sunday night’s All-Star Game, Gary Bettman formally announced to the world (or those of us who have Versus and were actually watching the game – alright – a couple hundred of us) that four NHL teams will be playing games in Europe next season. According to the Bettster, the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Ottawa Senators will play in Stockholm, Sweden, while the New York Rangers and Tampa Bay Lightning will play in the Czech Republic city of Prague.

Oh sure, we could get bogged down in the news that the NHLPA ain’t too happy with Bettman’s announcement, as they haven’t formally agreed to participate in yet another one of Bettman’s wacky schemes, but where is the fun in that? All that it really boils down to is this: the Penguins and the Senators got jacked by having to play in Stockholm while the Rangers and Lightning should be thrilled at the location where they get to play. Why, you ask? It’s simple, really: porn and hardcore sex, and lots of it.

According to a Google search with “SafeSearch” on – I imagine having it turned off would have yielded far more interesting search results – Prague is the burgeoning porn capital of Europe. Not only that, it has become one of the most popular locales for sex tours, whatever that entails. To be honest, I don’t think I want to know. Here is the lead-in to an article about the exploding sex industry in the Czech Republic from the source I get all my Czech-related news, The Prague Tribune:

“Taken as a whole, the sex industry in the Czech Republic – from prostitution, strip clubs and sex shops to erotic magazines, films, and the internet – is big business, with a share of gross domestic product to rival many smaller sectors.”

Those “smaller sectors” referenced in the article are the Czech Republic’s chief exports of lambskin rubbers, a poorly-conceived energy drink made out of the Fodder beet and, of course, the Mullet.

If I were a player on the Penguins or Senators, I’d be pretty pissed off right now knowing that the following activities will probably be the “touristy” highlights of a trip to Stockholm:

  • touring one of the more than 70 museums in Stockholm, including the Moderna Museet
  • attending a performance of the Royal Swedish Opera
  • participating in a pub crawl that visits all the nightclubs Roxette used to play gigs at before they made it big in the ’80’s (and where they wait tables now)

On the complete other end of the spectrum, players for the Rangers and Lightning will be able to enjoy the following experiences:

  • attending lavish parties where they will be encouraged to run a train on some of the finest Eastern European porno poon money can buy
  • going to bizarre sex shows involving a donkey, a banana, a toilet brush and 19 year-old twins named Vera and Tatana
  • attending the filming of a scene from The Males in the Czech, Volume LXIX

I’m not one that gets sucked into conspiracy theories very often, but I think I know what’s going on here. Once it came down to these four teams traveling to Europe, you knew that Gary Bettman wasn’t going to have Sidney Christ take a trip to Prague. Clearly, it’s not in the league’s interests to have any photos or video depicting what happens when Sid gets a couple of talented and willing, albeit not particularly attractive women back to his hotel room, such as the two pictured below:

Sid with chicks

Now imagine what he could get himself into in Prague. I’m sure it would be much more scandalous than this:

Sid signs tit

Bettman considered having Messier tag along to keep an eye on Crosby… 

Mark and Sidney Sitting in a Tree

Unfortunately, as a close friend of Mark Messier, Bettman knows what sort of freaky shit Mark gets into:

Messier/Coleman

And Messier believes he could make this happen again, only with Sidney this time, in Prague.

I always suspected Messier was a pervert. And a blasphemer. It’s all in the eyes…especially the propensity he has for crying. It’s quite obvious guilt consumes Mark’s tormented soul.

So readers, what other sort of shennanigans and tomfoolery will the NHLers get into on their sojourn in Prague next season? Let me know in the comments.

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3 Comments

  1. fuck, Weed, this is hilarious.

    Haven’t these people ever seen <i?Hostel? Or evenEurotrip? You’ll end up horribly tortured and/or making out with your sister!

  2. One factor The Commissioner failed to consider: After several days of watching Ingmar Bergman films and constantly listening to Swedish death metal, even Hockey Jesus might be feeling a bit suicidal.

  3. I keep having flashes of Clerks and Berserker for the trip to Prague. Olaf! Sing!

    How many of them with come home with a sex slave with a green card? I mean wife…

    As for the Gary Coleman pic, dear god, I think I see nutsack.


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