Mats Sundin Wishes Writers’ Strike to End Soon

00014281-857038_400.jpgHowie: Welcome back to Deal or No Deal, I’m Howie Mandel.  Our new contestant is a professional hockey player for the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Audience, let’s welcome our newest contestant, MATS SUNDIN!

Audience: (wildly enthusiastic for no damn reason) WHOO!!!!

Mats: Great to be here, Howie (fist bump).  Why am I here again?  I already make millions playing professional hockey in a town that loves me and the sport that I play.

Howie: Excellent point, Mats.  You see, we here at Deal or No Deal received a call from the new GM of your team, Cliff Fletcher, who has a bit of a quandary on his hands.  Your team, the Leafs, are at the bottom of the Eastern Conference.  You are a highly-valued asset that could help a team in playoff contention win the Stanley Cup.  Yet, you refuse to go anywhere, therefore continuing your career without a championship and leaving the Leafs devoid of future prospects and draft picks to rebuild a once-great franchise.  That brings us here.

Mats: So what?

Howie: Each of our 26 beautiful ladies is holding a case.  The cases they hold contain the names of 26 NHL franchises –

Mats: Um, there are 30 teams.

Howie: Yes, we know.  Fletcher insisted on leaving out your division rivals.  Like I was saying, your job is to select a case.  That case will be yours, unless you cut a deal with our banker, Gary Bettman.  If you choose to keep this case throughout, you will end up with that team. 

Mats: Which case has Toronto?

Howie: I can’t tell you that.

Mats: Fine.  I pick number 13, for obvious reasons.

Howie: Because it’s your jersey number?

Mats: No, because of that leggy blonde holding the case with my number.  Come to Grandmaster Mats, baby.

Howie: Sigh.  I hate tie-in shows.  Mats Sundin, it’s time to play DEAL OR NO DEAL.

 valueboard.jpgHowie: Mats, I want you to select six more cases.  The cases you pick will eliminate those teams within the cases as trading partners with the Leafs.  Of course, if you want to win a Stanley Cup, you want to knock out teams that blow and leave the better teams so that you can-

Mats: (yawn) 1,2,3,4,5,6.

Howie: Wow, how unconventional of you.  Let’s open those cases.  (Reveals the Hurricanes, Kings, Rangers, Coyotes, Islanders, and Lightning.)  Nice work, Mats!  You knocked a lot of crappy hockey teams off the board!


Howie: I’ll get that. (pauses) Ok. (Pretends someone’s on the other end) I’ll tell him.  Mats, that was the banker.  He’s got a nice offer for you, and as a fan of the Toronto organization, he’s worried about your case.  So he’s going to offer you a trade to sunny Miami to be a Florida Panther, and he’ll throw in the leggy blonde you courted earlier. DEAL…..OR NO DEAL?

Mats: Really?  We have to do these theatrics?  No Deal.

Howie: Fine.  Please select 4 MORE CASES!

Mats: 7,8,9,10. 

Howie: And you’ve done it, say good bye to the Coyotes, Capitals, Thrashers, and Blue Jackets!  Great work, Mats! 


Howie: (more fake talking to banker.) Wow, that’s nice.  Ok.  (hangs up)  Mats, he’s so nervous now that he just accidentally flipped his pen out of his hands and stabbed Darcy Tucker in the heart.  He’s offering you a trade to beautiful Anaheim, home of the current Stanley Cup champs!  The blonde comes with, and you get Rob Niedermayer’s condo for free!

Mats: Look, I’ve got practice to get to.


Mats: No Deal!

(Forty agonizing minutes later)

Howie: Look, Mats.  You’ve played the best round of Deal or No Deal anyone has ever played.  There are four teams left on the board, including the top three in the NHL.  They’re all in the Western Conference, which pleases Fletch.  And somehow, you’ve managed to avoid picking the Toronto case.  The banker has offered a trade to Minnesota, the blonde, Marian Gaborik’s racing simulator, a shopping spree at the Mall of America, Weed Against Speed’s pasta from scratch, a Nintendo Wii, and salvation courtesy of Purple Jesus.  Why won’t you just take the fucking deal?

Mats: (looks over at his friends, standing awkwardly and disinterested.  The short one a balding man named Tie, nods approvingly.)  Howie, I can’t miss practice.  Sorry.  (drops gloves, and punches Mandel, knocking him out in one punch.)

Mats: (flips open the Number 13 case): TORONTO, I’m coming home.


1 Comment

  1. Shit, I would have thrown in my Bolognese sauce as well. Make it happen!

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