This Liquid Will Change Your Life!

Normally, reviewers discuss spirits in archetypical terms: nose, taste, finish. Such descriptors fail to recognize the existential aspects of hard alcohol. What is my raison d’être? Why should I imbibe this beverage? Why am I wearing a black bra under a shear top? I hope to answer these questions with my critique of heaven’s nectar, Belvedere Vodka.

One etymology of vodka comes from the Polish word okowita, which comes from the Latin aqua vitae, meaning “water of life”. Weighty words for a distilled, neutral grain substance. But my tastings of Belvedere only reinforce the terms chosen by our Roman ancestors. Belvedere not only contains those qualities that spirits reviewers enjoy and promulgate, but it also acts as the catalyst to a better life.

Before Belvedere, I was a miserable being. Working at ESPN sucked the meaning from a former happening girl. Now, after drinking Belvedere, I can face my life head-on! Chug a fifth before going to work, and Skip Bayless only looks plastic instead of extraterrestrial. Belvedere cannot control the bile that spews out of his mouth, but at least I’m not scared to look at him anymore.

Also, I’ve become the life of the party, especially at “roasts” for fat and metrosexual radio hacks. I’m hilarious! People crowd around to see what funny things I’ll say next, although only the Protestants, Jews, and Muslims laugh at my jokes. I guess Polish vodkas suck the Catholicism right out of you like John Paul II and William A. Donahue.

Belvedere Vodka: the only soul in an increasingly lethargic and meaningless world.

Assist to Deadspin for the photo


1 Comment

  1. Funny story: Russia and Poland have been in a rivalry for a really long time over who is the originator of vodka. Poland claims they are first. But they won’t actually step to Russia. Because you just don’t do that.

    I keep hoping they will throw down Warriors style. With Russian clanking empty vodka bottles and screaming “Polackssssss……come out and playyyyyyy.”

    Oh and black bra under a sheer top is always a sign of ‘ho for sho’.

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