Hockey Doesn’t Have a Place Within an Organized Religion

 

Well crack my craw and call me Alex Ovechkin. We’re gonna win this game and stay ahead of those Democratic homosexual Coyotes in the race for that second holiest of holy grails. 3:19 to go and up a goal at home. Praise be to Jesus.

*Takes a knee, bows head*

Just win this faceoff and …

Gee whiz, isn’t that a Mike Cammalleri play. Pushing the puck forward on a draw? When we’re busy thanking Our Savior for the great bounty He’s bestowed upon us? That’s com-diddily-pletely anti-conservative rule followin’ there. Have they already forgotten the rules of conventional warfare written by Ma-diddily-gi-piddily-not? Oh well, I must forgive them for sinning, Lord. May Thy will be done and grant the 2 points to the deserving team in Thine eyes.

We’re gettin’ a lot of pressure in the offensive zone. That socialist Tellqvist’s gonna have to pray to the Lord of Darkness himself if he wants to save his soul.

Well drop my drawers and call me Dale Fushek, the spawns of Satan are attacking again. I’ll just stop this Vrbiddily shot, there. Praise be to Jesus.

*Takes a knee, bows head*

Just get to the shootout and …

Gosh golly, are we playing in the Eagles’ version of hell? That puck was frozen, sir!

How could we have lost? Lord, why hast thou forsaken us? Did Arnason think about what color bra that ice dancer was wearing? Was Ian Laperriere coveting Rob Blake’s wife? Did I stare too long at Milan Hejduk in the shower?

Oh, wait, forgive me Lord. You are asking that we show true faith. I understand, Father. I humbly throw myself at your feet. Losing has never been so much fun!

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5 Comments

  1. That’s what you get for buying your goalie glove at the Leftorium.

  2. But if you do something to make him crazy, he’ll let you know. And if you REALLY get him steamed, he’ll run you over with his car.

    I couldn’t find the best of Flanders vid, but this is a pretty good one anyway:

  3. All I have to say about the mask is “at least it doesn’t have Rascall Flatts on it.”

  4. wraparoundcurl, more on that in the coming days…it gets worse.

  5. That’s not even his latest helmet! (scroll down)

    *tsk. lazy* Pulling a few boners, going off half-cocked, making asses of ourselves, are we?


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