After learning of the botched purse-snatching escapades of Ryan O’Byrne and Tom Kostopoulos (and reading Raskolnikov’s interpretation of said events on MYFO earlier today), it caused me to wonder where things went wrong for these two obviously inept and misguided would-be criminals. And in a flash it came to me: no chemistry! Just like in hockey, if you don’t have chemistry there is a much higher likelihood that things could go awry. Case in point: O’Byrne was just recalled from Hamilton on February 10th and Kostopoulos is in his first year with the Habs after signing a free agent contract last summer.
Obviously, these two fellas have had no time to figure out each other’s tendencies, where the other is going to be at exact moments and what the other is going to do given certain situations. For instance, Kostopoulos should have been running interference with the police officers while O’Byrne was rifling through the woman’s purse and O’Byrne made the rookie mistake of not fleeing the scene. Amateurs.
All this made me realize that the Minnesota Wild have the duo with possibly the most upside when it comes to perpetrating the perfect purse-snatching crime spree, if there is such a thing: Marian Gaborik and Pavol Demitra.
It is well-known in NHL circles that Gaborik and Demitra are the closest of friends, dating back to their time growing up in Slovakia. But some other information came to light during an interview session last week where the two discussed their recent hot streak while back playing on the same line together. Taken completely literally (as one should with everything – without question), the quotes reveal a bit more than the two were prepared to disclose (get ready for the bombshell):
Gaborik and Demitra had been involved in a sequence of bizarre scientific experiments while growing up in Slovakia.
To wit, from a Minnneapolis Star Tribune article:
Demitra jokes that he and Gaborik can read each other’s mind because they use one brain — his. “Gabby got no brain,” Demitra cracked. “He’s got the quick feet.”
What the hell? What sort of perverted science were the Soviets practicing behind the Iron Curtain? People with no brains? Did they somehow combine Gaborik’s and Demitra’s brains into one unstoppable hockey mind? If so, how does Gaborik function? Gaborik’s retort:
“He’s the playmaker and I can finish it. But I have a head of my own, too. I can make plays as well. I look for him and he looks for me.”
I don’t quite understand what sort of subterfuge Gaborik is attempting here but it is obvious he is trying to cover up for Pavol’s disclosure of classified information. We all can see you have your own head, Gabby, but you do not say whether you have a brain. What I want to know is, what’s inside there?
Additionally, the prevailing question for me is if these scientists could figure out a means to which a human being can continue to function without a brain, why couldn’t they come up with some way of making Slovak groins tougher? Although he wasn’t directly answering this question, Demitra had this comment:
“Now I’m healthy,” Demitra said. “I don’t have to worry about my groins anymore. Last little while, I’m feeling good and we’re finding each other. I think that chemistry’s always there, but it’s tough to be hot all season.”
What? Where did Demitra spend his time during the All-Star Break? Did he return to his homeland for additional experimental surgeries? What did they replace his oft-injured groins with? Robotics? Animal transplants? Injections of extraterrestial DNA? Who knows?
And why hasn’t Gabby had the same procedures performed on him?
We’re now through the looking-glass. Who knows how deep and far-reaching this could go? Is Vladmir Putin behind this? Is he attempting to once-again establish Russian dominance in Eastern Europe whereby he can wield power through an army of cyborg/half-alien hockey players? Anything is possible, right? Putin did start his career in the KGB and if you think that organization is now defunct, I have some pamphlets I can send to you for your perusal.
What the? Wait! What’s that? Who’s there? Speak up!
Hold on. Wait a sec – where was I going with this anyway? Oh yeah. Back to my main point: obviously, Gaborik and Demitra could totally pull off a simple purse-snatching. Those two dudes from the Canadiens are fucking poseur amateurs.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to put my tin foil hat on and watch The X-Files.
The Truth Is Out There. You just have to know where to look for it.