Perhaps It Is Time For Some Reconditioning…

A Clockwork Orange

Directly from MYFO‘s “Beating a Dead Horse Department”, we bring you this: Josh Harding, he of the Rascal Flatts decorated goalie mask, attended a Martina McBride concert a couple of weeks ago while the Wild were in Columbus, ultimately hanging out backstage with McBride’s opening act, Jack Ingram. And if that weren’t bad enough, he brought the lady-killer that is Brent Burns along for the show.

First off, what the fuck is a Jack Ingram? And secondly, Josh, don’t drag Brent down with you, man.

Most importantly, Josh, this has gone far enough. I think it’s time we get you some help. It’s time for some extreme behavior modification.

JOSH: What exactly is the treatment here going to be then?

DR. WEED: It’s quite simple really. Were just going to show you some films.

JOSH: You mean like going to the pictures?

DR. WEED: Something like that.

JOSH: Well, that’s good. I like to viddy the old films now and again.

Auditorium setting. Josh is bound in a examination chair in front of a large video screen. A white-coated technician is strapping Josh’s head to a medical device.

He then carefully attaches the eyelid locking to Josh’s eyes.

A film begins showing on the screen.

The technician drops eyedrops into Josh’s eyes. 

COUNTRY FILM

people doing the Achy-Breaky Line Dance

men in cowboy hats drinking Budweiser

NASCAR races

Ford pick-up trucks

scenes from Urban Cowboy

Larry the Cable Guy stand-up routine

[Josh begins to squirm and retch, struggles against his strait jacket]

JOSH: Let me be sick… I want to get up. Get me something to be sick in… Stop the film… Please stop it… I can’t stand it any more. Stop it please… please.

THE NEXT DAY

DR. WEED: Well, that was a very promising start. By my calculations, you should be starting to feel alright again. Yes? Dr. Speed’s pleased with you. Now tomorrow there’ll be two sessions, of course, morning and afternoon,

JOSH: You mean, I have to viddy two sessions in one day?

DR. WEED: I imagine you’ll be feeling a little bit limp by the end of the day. But we have to be hard on you. You have to be cured.

JOSH: But it was horrible.

DR. WEED: Well, of course, it was horrible. Country music is a very horrible thing. That’s what you’re learning now. Your body is learning it.

JOSH: Stop it… stop it, please!!! I beg of you!!! It’s a sin!!! It’s a sin!!! It’s a sin, please!!!

Dr. Speed leans forward and turns down the sound.

DR. SPEED: What’s all this about sin?

JOSH: That! Using Rascal Flatts like that! They did no harm to anyone. They just wrote music.

DR. WEED: Are you referring to the background score?

JOSH: Yes!!!

DR. WEED: You’ve heard Rascal Flatts before?

JOSH: Yes!!!

DR. SPEED: You’re keen on music?

JOSH: Yes!!! You needn’t take it any further, sir. You’ve proved to me that all this country music is wrong and terribly wrong. I’ve learned my lesson, sir. I see now what I’ve never seen before I’m cured, praise Zep!

DR. SPEED: You’re not cured yet, my boy. You must take your chance boy. The choice has been all yours.

JOSH: But, Sirs…I see that it’s wrong! It’s wrong because it’s like against like society. It’s wrong because everybody has the right to live and be happy without being subjected to horrible and derivative music.

DR. SPEED: No, no, boy. You really must leave it to us, but be cheerful about it. In less than a fortnight now, you’ll be a free man. Just in time for the stretch run to the playoffs.

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11 Comments

  1. “I imagine you’ll be feeling a little bit limp by the end of the day. But we have to be hard on you.”

    THAAAAAAAAAAT’S what she said.
    /Michael Scott

  2. “That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolence.”

    –Derek Boogaard.

  3. I….I have a confession to make. I…I own a Martina McBride CD. It’s in my car. I listened to it just the other day. But, it’s “Timeless”! She covers classic country songs, with simple arrangements and minimal production! Please don’t make me watch the movies, Dr. Weed!

  4. I thihk we’ll let it slide this time, LeNoc. Classic country is perfectly acceptable.

    But someone will be keepng their eye on you…don’t slip up.

  5. Lenoc, I think the Martina McBride CD is allowable if you did something super manly after listening to it. Did you split fire wood? Shower with Irish Spring soap?

  6. Just for your information….a “Jack Ingram” is an alternative country performer. Nothing in his songs even closely resembles Rascal Flatts or “Achy Breaky Heart” or any other mainstream country act.

    You should check him out….I dare you!

    In the words of my favorite Jack Ingram song…..LOVE YOU!

  7. @ wraparoundcurl: I scratched myself while watching WWE wrestling. Does that count?

  8. @lenoc:
    Yeah, that’s totally legit.

  9. Isn’t this my schtick? You fucking cock. Keep it real you fucking tool.

  10. Hey pseudo Big Daddy Drew, I have been instructed by the real Big Daddy Drew to tell you to fuck the fuck off.

    Therefore, fuck the fuck off.

    Try to get yourself a life and quit bothering people with your pointless existence.

  11. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen some country at a country fair and/or a tractor pull.


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