All right, dicksnugglers. Sit down and shut up. It’s time for Professor Avery, not to be confused with another professor in New York, tells you exactly how to negotiate a better deal for yourselves. So strap in tight, doucheguzzlers. I’m going to edumacate you, Broadway-style.
First, ass rammers, you have to be better than everyone else. I mean, look at my stats. 18 points in 34 games, and that’s including the shit-ton full of games that I played hurt. I’m a man’s man, god damn it. I’ve fucked both Olsen twins and the skank from 24, all in one night. If you can’t be better than everyone else, fake it. Look at the Unfrozen Caveman. He sucks dog nuts, but he looks like he’ll fucking club your ass and take you back to his cave and fuck every hole on your body. So he gets big bucks.
Second, start roughing up the fuckers that want your money. See what I did to Marek Malik Maleke Maka is Hawaiian’s Way Of Saying Merry Christmas to You? I beat his ass and insulted his playing. That’s how you plant the seeds of doubt. And fucking your Mom is how I planted the seed that put you on this planet, fuckstick munchers. That fight got everyone on the team on MY side. Not his.
Third, be humble. Self-deprecating humor is a strong tool, cock sniffers. It has netted me more tail and more goals than I can count. When someone asks you how you’re doing, be all doomy and gloomy and sad and say you know you can do better, even when you know you’re doing damn fucking good. Sure, you have to beat back your ego, but you panty-wearers are used to beating yourselves at night. Deal with it.
Result: Contract extension, mother fuckers. I’m going to be making it rain this time next week. With this advice, you too can be a Priceline Negotiator. You still won’t be as sexy as me, though. Cock knockers.