Mike Milbury: Welcome to the Intermission Report. Alongside Edvard Munch subject Pierre McGuire, I’m Mike Milbury.
Pierre McGuire: Thanks dickmonger. It’s a scoreless tie between Detroit and Dallas right now, Mike. What should each team do to get on the scoreboard?
Milbury: Well, if I were Dallas, Calvo, I’d make a sign-and-trade deal with Carolina right now. First, have Sergei Samsonov sign a 10 year, $120 million contract, then trade him for Mike Ribiero, Mike Smith, and two #1 draft picks. Samsonov has 13 points in 17 games on an entry level contract, so he’d probably break Gretzky’s career scoring record by April 15 with a new deal. As for Detroit, I’d lure Alexei Yashin back from Russia with a 3 year, $60 million deal, including a bottle of Yashin’s favorite barbiturates before every game, so that he is at his lackadaisical best.
McGuire: No wonder the Isles kept you for eleven years! No, you fucking turd, the coaches have to tell each team to get scrappier. I’m not seeing any intensity out there from either team. Players have to get to the boards to poke, punch, facewash, fishhook, and remove essential organs to dominate the other team. Holmstrom, Draper, and Maltby should have a twenty minute shift in the next period.
Milbury: It’s that kind of coaching genius that puts you in the same class as Alpo Suhonen! Richard Zednik is recuperating from his awesome neck injury well, but should players be required to wear neckguards?
McGuire: Players wear too much padding nowadays. I don’t like those centurion helmets that Wayne Gretzky wore. Get rid of the neckpads, elbow pads, wristguards, kneepads, and hipguards. A hockey player should look like a visual representation of the Rainbow Coalition. They’re all Jesse Jackson fans!
Milbury: Encephalitis doesn’t make you smarter, Pierre. Neckguards are the first step to protect the general manager’s huge offseason signing. If the NHL runs out of hockey players because they’ve been gutted like Captain Vidal, Eddie Olczyk will have to suit up again. *Shudder* I propose that we coat players in stainless steel, laminate them, then stick them in a full set of armor. No one moves, so no one gets hurt!
McGuire: Genius! I can’t wait to hear your reasons why trench warfare is the greatest style of fighting! Second topic, the Southeast Division! One team, who would otherwise be the eighth seed at best, will be the third seed in the league! What say you, Dumbledouche?
Milbury: I do not acknowledge the existence of the Southeast Division. What have they ever done in this league? Bunch of NASCAR lovin’ good ol’ boys. Plus, they make shitty trades. Time for Bettman to cut off America’s dick and some of the pubes, too.
McGuire: I say keep things the way they are. The Southeast is filled with some great hockey players. Jassen Cullimore, Johan Holmqvist, Garnet Exelby, those are some hard-working fellahs. Perfect for the southern bumpkin who slaves all day in the tobacco fields and comes home to beat his wife senseless with a switch.
Milbury: Is there any room in that HGH-influenced head for some political correctness? Final topic, Dwight Howard beats Gerald Green in the Slam Dunk Competition. How high do they jump on skates?
McGuire: 8 centimeters.
Milbury: That’s smaller than the distance between your forehead and your hairline! I’d sign Howard to a 3 year, $75 million contract to perform that stunt every intermission.
McGuire: Can’t wait to see your tax return! That’s it for the intermission report. For Captain Combover Mike Milbury, I’m Pierre McGuire.