Better Know a Rented Mule: Lundqvist Edition

230px-henriklundqvist.jpgEvery goalie is entitled to an off-night every now and then.  Sometimes you just don’t have it, and things end badly.  Don’t check the papers in the morning, friend; lest you are the masochistic type that enjoys reading the fuming diatribes of sportswriter hacks in the local press.  Goalies, come to the blog world, where we try and off-set your evening of self-destruction with nicer things to say: in our latest recurring feature, “Better Know a Rented Mule.”

All Hail King Henrik!

Apparently in Sweden, they don’t have a word for karma.  I suppose that’s fair.  Since it’s a term that originates from Sanskrit, and I’ve never seen a Swedish-Sanskrit Dictionary at Borders, he may not understand that what comes up must go down.  And once the Rangers jumped out to a 5-spot at the Bell Centre last night, old Lundy did the math.  If the Rangers are up 5-0 halfway through the game, then extrapolation would dictate a 10-0 shutout!  Way to go, Henrik!

Karma hates improper use of mathematical logic.

Somewhere in Dallas, Henrik’s identical twin brother, Joel, was having a terrible night.  As a sophomore in the Stars organization, he sat in his one-bedroom condo in Mesquite, completely crestfallen that he had just burnt his last Hot Pocket because he refused to pause his game of NHL 08 on the old Xbox.  In addition, he found out that the Stars had just re-assigned his best friend, Dan Jancevski back to the Iowa Stars.  Which meant bowling night was off for Thursday.  God, he hates it when bowling night is cancelled.

Meanwhile, back in Canada.  Henrik had just carefully selected from the front row near the left face-off circle the lucky lady he intended to meet after the game.  When you’ve been selected as one of People Magazine’s most beautiful people in the past, all you have to do is look at her with your dreamy eyes.  And if that doesn’t work, just mention that you played lead guitar in the band Box Play back in Sweden. 

No, we didn’t cover ABBA tunes.

There is a phenomenon that karma can sometimes act as a balancing scale.  It’s far from a proven theory, but something happened last night.  Shortly after Joel opened his freezer door and spied a lone Meatball and Mozzarella Pocket hidden underneath the popsicles.  Dinner…is…saved!!!

And the Canadiens promptly light up Henrik with 5 goals to tie the game. 

Rather than blame his equipment or his defensemen, Henrik knows that something strange is happening, but he can’t put his finger on it.  Joel, you bastard.  You’re ruining this for me!  The girl in the front row left with Michael Ryder, the shootout’s about to start, and I have a craving for a handheld meal in convenient flaky bread form!  And after the third period, my cell phone notified me that my check to the American Cancer Society just bounced!  Stupid charity!

Now shooting, Saku Koivu?????? Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!

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7 Comments

  1. i know what the problem is! King Henrik was distracted by the other goalie on the ice!!! Your picture CLEARLY proves it!

  2. I have never burned a Hot Pocket. It takes talent to do that. It can be heated to lava hot.

    /Gaffigan

    For serious, Better Know a Rented Mule: hilarious.

  3. “Diarrhea Pockets.”

    /Gaffigan

  4. We all get cravings for handheld meals in convenient flaky bread form. Try as we might, it’s near impossible to suppress those cravings, even in times of crisis. It’s not his fault.

  5. Mike Lange approves.

    And I’d be jittery too if Valiquette was staring at me from the corner.

  6. @wraparound curl: could Jesus microwave a burrito–or a Hot Pocket–so hot that even he could not eat it?

    now I seriously want one of these. Dammit.

  7. @Domi:
    I got back from class and just out of habit when to the freezer for a Hot Pocket. Then said “goddamnit” and settled for a soup at hand.

    And yes, if there is one thing Jesus can’t stand is lava. It’s like his kryptonite.


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