Hello, My Name is Simon!

Gags(Contrary to popular belief, I really have little interest in drawing.)

Welcome!  Since the Flyers recently advised me to stop playing hockey for the rest of the season, I’ve got a little bit of free time on my hands.  You see, the concussion is the one injury that I can’t go into the practice facility and rehab.  The only way they let you play again is if you can convince them that there aren’t any lingering effect- wait, did that spatula just…blink at me?

Hmm.

Since the Flyers have relocated me to a brand new house farther away from the SkateZone in Voorhees, I’ve got a lot of unpacking to do.  But since Keith Primeau and Eric Lindros aren’t coming over to help me move this piano into the upstairs bath until later, I figured we could roll through my crib.  You know, like on MTV Cribs?  Let’s go cribbin’, Cribman.

(shoots deadly look at an idle house plant)

So this room is where me and my boys hang out when we haven’t lost nine straight games.  For the record, I thought about telling Coach Stevens that I could play last night until I heard San Jose was in town.  Look, I have no problem matching up against my fellow countryman Joe Thornton, and I even think that I’ve had Nabokov’s number for years, but do you realize that San Jose are the Sharks?  Seriously!  What if they’re UNDER THE ICE?  OH HELL NO.  I can’t take that chance.  We’ve got Fat Derian on our team; if he cracks the ice, then that’s a shark’s free pass to devour hockey players.  NO WAY!  I’ll wait until we play the Caps.  I’m not afraid of hats.

This is my new HDTV.  I’ve mounted it on the ceiling here (yes, next to that microwave) because as of late, the dizzy spells have left me on the floor a lot more than usual.  It comes with all the premium HD channels, even Versus and the NHL Network.  Let’s see who’s on now!  (picks up frozen waffle, points upwards)  Looks like another local blackout.

Here we are in the kitchen, where all the monsters live.  I know the Cribs tradition is to check out what’s in my fridge, but I’m not going near that thing.  Every time I open it, a tiny orange ghost pops out and the theme song to Growing Pains plays.  That’s why I’ve picked up food from Arby’s every meal for the last two weeks.  The drive-thru’s always backed up though – which is why I end up just licking the pictures of the food on the menu order board outside.  Low-calorie and delicious!

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this little tour du Simon short.  I’m going shoe shopping with Peter Forsberg this afternoon.  He’s so damn picky.  Thanks for stopping by, MYFO!  If you don’t mind, I have some chores to do before I go.

(tackles aforementioned house plant)

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5 Comments

  1. He better be careful. Once a ficus plant gets a taste for violence, its thirst for it cannot be quenched.

    I’m speaking from experience.

  2. Hysterical start to a Friday. But now I’m gonna have this in my head all day:

    Well you know my name is Simon
    And the things I draw come true
    Won’t you take me, take me, take me climbing
    Over the garden wall with you

    thanks MYFO

  3. Well, you know my name is Simon…and I like to do drawerings….

    Are you looking at my bum? Cheeky little monkey.

  4. @weed: he always seemed more of a sake plant or bamboo type guy to me. I mean, form personal experience I know concussions suck, but goddamn this must be quite the doozy

  5. But, does he have Scarface in his DVD collection?

    Naw.

    It’s probably Mean Girls and Never Been Kissed.


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