Rubin Carter is a Murderer


The drunken Photoshop master twoeightnine found this astonishing piece of information about Sean Avery last night.

Is known to wear makeup on the ice to highlight his delicate features. Is said to be negotiating a contract with Avon over a new dive-proof mascara.

Since I don’t provide insights, I’ll let these philosophical mouthpieces analyze this revelation:

Søren Kierkegaard: Sean Avery gives meaning to my wretched existence. Introspection is the only way to a meaningful life, and twoeightnine has provided that. Oh, dearest Regina, how I long to caress your blond locks. Perhaps it would eliminate this burgeoning agitas in my stomach. Or perhaps I should stop eating the smoked eel at Jannick Hansen’s Great Dane Smørrebrød.

Martin Heidegger: The author has created a work of art that provides a means of exposing truth to the rest of the world. From twoeightnine’s perspective, Sean Avery is a hack douchologist on par with Husserl. Sig heil!

Jean Baudrillard: Sean Avery’s existence confirms that Québecois never fake injuries. The NHL lockout never took place.

If you would like to add any additional Sean Avery truths below, feel free. Watch out, though. Avery will smack you with his Louis Vuitton if your fact doesn’t congeal with his image.



  1. Rene Descatres: If I think that Sean Avery does not exist, he does not exist. Which is awesome, since that means I don’t have to deal with that knobgobbler.

    And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart I drink therefore I am

  2. Albert Camus: Sean Avery’s constant struggle to remain beautiful while playing a sport that frequently causes lost teeth and stitches fills his heart beyond measure. This contradiction must be lived in full measure, every day. One must imagine Avery to be happy.

  3. Voltaire: If Sean Avery didn’t exist it would necessary to invent him.

    And Avery? Ain’t nobody watching you, you ain’t that fine.

  4. Carl Jung: Avery’s Shadow Archetype is extremely healthy and realized because he has no problem expressing it. Repressing his Shadow would mean less fighting, but it would also turn him into a serial killer.

    Cock knocker.

  5. Marhsall McLuhan: Sean Avery is the message, and he serves as an extension of our human senses, bodies and minds.

    He’s also a dicksnuggler.

  6. Also, Sean Avery= slut bucket

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