BOSTON (MYFO) – On a day where over 25 deals were struck in efforts to make the playoffs or build for the future, one NHL team remained quiet all day long. The Boston Bruins, currently hanging on to the 6th position in the Eastern Conference, kept the roster intact as the 3 PM zero hour came and went.
“We overslept. It’s awful, right? What a dagger. I swear, it’s like my alarm clock didn’t even go off. Needless to say, we’re all pretty disappointed that technology has failed us,” stated General Manager Peter Chiarelli.
In the last 72 hours, 28 of the 30 NHL franchises engaged in trade discussions that resulted in the swapping of players, draft picks, and future considerations. Some teams made major additions, including Dallas, Pittsburgh, and San Jose, in hopes of solidifying their Stanley Cup hopes. Boston lay dormant after staying up too late watching The Godfather Part III on AMC.
“Sofia Coppola ruined the movie,” said Chiarelli.
Even though the Bruins’ front office dispatched rookie Milan Lucic to Chiarelli’s home, 20 minutes of persistent knocking could not wake the slumbering GM. Chiarelli clearly missed out on an opportunity to seize the Northeast Division. Ottawa only managed to acquire former Bruin Martin Lapointe, Montreal traded their goalie and have a bunch of Hossa jerseys they’ll never be able to sell, Mats Sundin locked himself in his room and isn’t coming out, and Buffalo dealt Brian Campbell away forever. The division was there for the taking, and Chiarelli blew it.
“I thought I set my alarm for 7 AM, I swear! I had an 8:30 conference call set up with Atlanta about the Hossa thing, and I had to get up and write an e-mail to Florida about Olli Jokinen. Turns out, I set it for 7 PM! How unlucky can you be?”
After rolling over and seeing 2:56 in bright red numbers, Chiarelli quickly dialed Edmonton GM Kevin Lowe to make a last-minute trade, seeing as the Oilers had also been quiet. And while tuna fish for roast beef looked good on paper, Chiarelli’s staunch refusal to throw in his thermos of tomato soup was a dealbreaker. Besides, the Oilers claim they are happy, having beaten everyone in the Curtis Glencross sweepstakes from Columbus back on February 1st.
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