MYFO’s Classic Movie Adaptations: Goodfellas (Part I)

Goodfellas2

Hello, MYFO readers. Martin Scorsese here. I imagine few of you are aware I’m a big hockey fan. In fact, I love the NHL – okay – in particular the Minnesota Wild. So I followed with great interest – okay – the recent developments involving my beloved team. At the trade deadline, the Wild picked up Chris Simon in a trade. I mean, Chris Simon? He’s more fitting as a character in one of my films as opposed to a professional hockey player – which got me to thinking – okay – picture this – okay –

Every year or so, I try to do something – okay – it keeps me refreshed as to what’ s going on in front of the lens, and I understand what the actor is going through. So, get this – okay – I have re-imagined some key scenes from Goodfellas and adapted them to try and perceive with my mind’s eye how things could go with Derek Boogaard, Todd Fedoruk and Chris Simon on the same team.

ACTION!

[WE SEE FOUR OTHER MEN, including DEREK BOOGAARD and TODD FEDORUK, standing near JAROME IGINLA at the bar, raise their glasses in salute. CHRIS SIMON enters.]

[JAROME IGINLA looks up and sees CHRIS.]

JAROME: Hey, look at him. Chris. You’re reinstated.

CHRIS: (preening a little) Jarome, how are you?

JAROME: (smiling broadly at Chris) Son of a bitch. Get over here.

[CHRIS walks over and JAROME, too aggressively, grabs CHRIS around the neck.]

CHRIS: (forcing a laugh) Hey, Jarome. Watch the sweater.

JAROME: (squeezing Chris’s cheek, a little too hard) Listen to him. “Watch the sweater,” he says. A little pisser I’ve known all my life. Hey, Chris, don’t go get too big.

CHRIS: Don’t go busting my balls. Okay?

JAROME: (laughing, to the crowd at the bar) Busting his balls? (to Chris) If I was busting your balls, I’d send you home for your skate sharpener.

[CHRIS’S smile turns to a glare as he realizes JAROME is making fun of him. The players at the bar are roaring with laughter.].  

JAROME: (to the goons at the bar) You remember Chris’s skate sharpening skills? The kid was great. He made ’em into razor blades.

CHRIS: (almost a threat)No more sharpening, Jarome.

JAROME: Come oonnn. Chrissy. We’re only kidding.You can’t take a joke? Come oonnn.

[WE SEE that CHRIS is still angry, but begins to relax with JAROME’S apparent apology, but as soon as JAROME sees that CHRIS is beginning to relax, he contemptuously turns his back on CHRIS.]

JAROME: (facing the bar) Now get the hell home and get your skate sharpener.

[DEREK quickly steps in front of CHRIS who is about to explode. IGINLA is facing the bar and does not see just how furious CHRIS has become.]

DEREK: (gently wrestling Chris away from the bar) Come on, relax. He’s drunk. He’s been stuck up in Calgary for 12 years.

CHRIS: I don’t give a shit. That guy’s got no right.

DEREK: Chris. He doesn’t mean anything. Forget about it.

CHRIS: (trying to wrestle past Derek) He’s insulting me. Rat bastard. He’s never been any fuckin’ good.

DEREK: Chris. Come on. Relax.

CHRIS: (to Derek) Keep him here. I’m going for a bag.

[CHRIS storms out.]

DEREK: (rejoining Todd and Jarome Iginla at the bar) Iginla, I’m sorry. Chris gets loaded. He doesn’t mean any disrespect.

IGINLA: He’s got a hot head.


[From DEREK’S POV behind the bar, WE SEE the GUESTS leave and suddenly WE SEE CHRIS in the doorway. DEREK walks around the bar and approaches CHRIS.

[WE SEE TODD and IGINLA are still seated at bar with their backs to the door.]

IGINLA: They’re fucking goons.

[WE SEE TODD nod.]

IGINLA: I seen them.They walk around like All-Stars and they don’t know shit.

TODD: A guy gets half a load on. He mouths off.

IGINLA: When I was a kid, I swear on my mother, you mouth off, you got your fucking legs slashed!

CUT TO:

[DEREK approaching CHRIS who is carrying a large folded package under one arm.]

[CHRIS, followed by DEREK, walks over to the bar where TODD and JAROME IGINLA are talking. CHRIS drops the package on the floor.]

[JAROME IGINLA looks up.]

[TODD turns around and sees that CHRIS has a hockey stick in his hand.]

[TODD immediately grabs IGINLA’s arms and WE SEE CHRIS swing the hockey stick into the side of IGINLA’s head. WE SEE CHRIS hit IGINLA again and again as TODD continues to hold IGINLA’s arms.]

TODD: (to Derek, while pinning Iginla’s arms) Quick! Lock the door.

[WE SEE CHRIS club IGINLA to the ground with TODD holding IGINLA’s arms.]

CUT TO:

[DEREK locking the door.]

CUT TO:

[IGINLA’S INERT FORM on the floor.]

[WE SEE CHRIS unfold the package he had dropped near the bar.]

[It is a plastic, flower-printed mattress cover.]

[CHRIS and TODD start putting IGINLA’S legs into the mattress cover.]

[DEREK is standing over them as TODD and CHRIS struggle to fit IGINLA’S body into the mattress cover.]

DEREK: What are we going to do with him? We can’t dump him in the street.

TODD: (to Derek) Bring the car round back. I know a place up near Brainerd they’ll never find him.

[CHRIS is looking brightly at DEREK, as he and TODD finally zip IGINLA in the mattress cover.]

CHRIS: I didn’t want to get blood on your floor.

EXT. REAR DRIVEWAY – THE SUITE – NIGHT

[Darkness. The open trunk of DEREK’S car. The mattress cover is being shoved into the trunk by the THREE MEN.]

DEREK: Iginla’s a Captain. His whole team is going to be looking for him. This is fucking bad.

CHRIS: There’s some of my old sticks over at my mother’s. (holding up shattered stick). This one ain’t no good no more.

{PART II TO FOLLOW…}

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8 Comments

  1. Martin,

    I am a huge fan of your films. You are one of the greatest directors of your generation, but hockey blogging may not be for you…you write exactly like Weed Against Speed.

  2. N.O. – I am not sure why you would think that. I am who I say I am.

    I appreciate your admiration of my films and always appreciate a compliment. However, upon checking your I.P. address, it comes as no surprise you reside in an ass-backwards location like Kentucky, where racism and ignorance run rampant. Because if you grew up on the mean streets of New York City like I did, you would not have lasted very long calling yourself something as appalling as Negro Observer.

    So please, continue to read this fine blog after I am gone – I will only be a contributor on this site for a few posts. But please, for everyone’s sake, try to keep your comments relevant or at least interesting.

  3. @ N.O.: That’s not true at all. Mr. Scorcese writes with a distinct New York Italian accent.

  4. @mscoresese

    Word. Sorry Marty, meant no disrespect. I meant that your style is just like Weed’s, not that you actually are him. I will work on comment relevancy, I promise. Why all the Kentucky hating? Racism and ignorance occur all over the country, not just here. Also, you spelled your last name wrong, is everything ok?

    @lenoceur

    That’s a great point. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
    BTW, That’s a beautiful picture of your wife, what’s her name?

  5. @N.O.: Now that’s a low blow. Besides, my mom wouldn’t like that you got the two of them confused.

  6. @N.O.: That’s simply my username and it’s a play-on-words I wouldn’t expect you to understand – score-sese…get it?

  7. BLOGGER FIGHT!!!

    However…me and my All-Leafs adaptation of Battle Royale simply chuckle:
    http://wwold.blogspot.com/search/label/leafer%20madness

    /self-whoring

  8. @mscoresese

    Weed….Er, I mean Martin,

    I would have gone with: Score, Says He.

    @lenoceur

    LOL.


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