Douche War: Dallas at Columbus

With your host, Dane Cook!

Thanks to Storming the Floor’s College Basketball Closer on Deadspin the other day, we learned a little more than we ever wanted to know about Stanford’s Brook Lopez. The source of this unfortunate news flash would be the good people of SI.com, whose weekly Pop Culture Grid give us insight into the personal preferences of the sports world’s BIGGEST STARS.

Or in this case, two college basketball players and a couple of NHL unknowns.

Who’s ready for a Douche-Off!?!?!

Let’s meet your contestants. First we have a 28 year-old center from the Dallas Stars who Montreal kicked to the curb a year too early! It’s Mike Ribeiro!!!!

Second, we have this year’s version of Roberto Luongo – a goalie for a crappy team that has awesome stats because they don’t play any D! It’s the Blue Jackets’ Pascal Leclaire!!!!

(and the dane cook goes wild)

Gentlemen, SI’s Pop Culture Grid has given us 5 head-to-head questions. 1 point will be assigned to the player whose answer is, for lack of a better term, “more douche.” Let’s play, shall we?

Question 1: Fictional Character Most Like You

Ribeiro: Zorro Leclaire: Van Wilder

The Judges Say: I’m half surprised that Ribeiro picked Zorro, because based on his headshot, I half expect him to think Zorro is in fact a non-fictional historical figure. However, Leclaire’s got a lot of nerve calling himself Van Wilder. First off, if you think you’re cool enough to be Van Wilder, you’re probably no Van Wilder. You’re probably his sidekick Kumar, who crashed and burned (literally) in the sequel. For shame, Pascal. POINT TO LECLAIRE!!!

Question 2: Ultimate Red Carpet Date

Ribeiro: “Other than my wife? Jessica Alba” Leclaire: Eva Mendes

The Judges Say: Mike, you’re a big loser here. First off, you tried to stay on your wife’s good side by name dropping her here, but then you still go on to name a hot chick in her presence. A nice guy says his wife, nothing more. A douche drools in her presence. Additionally, nice choice with the pregnant Jessica Alba. Hope you enjoy spending the awards show hanging outside the ladies room. You’ll be there awhile. POINT TO RIBEIRO!!!

Question 3: Singer you’d like to be a roadie for

Ribeiro: Jay-Z or Puff Daddy Leclaire: Kanye West

The Judges Say: you both can’t understand the damn question. I said SINGER, and the correct answer was Dave Grohl. And Pascal, really? Kanye West? Yeah, that’ll be fun. I look forward to him whining like a baby when you beat him in Wii tennis on the bus, too. POINT TO LECLAIRE!!!

Question 4: _______ should really shut up

Ribeiro: “Hard to say, but Sean Avery” Leclaire: Matthew McConaughey

The Judges Say: Holy hell, I may actually be starting to respect Mike Ribeiro. I’m sure we’ll see a follow-up question from Mr. Avery sooner than later for you. And Pascal, um, I was wondering who went and saw Fool’s Gold. Thanks for clearing that up. POINT TO LECLAIRE!!!

Question 5: Favorite Show on HBO

Ribeiro: Boxing Leclaire: Entourage

The Judges Say: (just got hit with a shockwave of douchebaggery. Give us a second to collect our thoughts.)

And by a final score of 43-1, Pascal Leclaire is your douche du jour!!!

Congrats you massive tool.

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7 Comments

  1. are there more of these douche-offs in the future? I would REALLY look forward to that a lot!

  2. This post reminds me of the famous quote “In the land of the douches, the man with the vinegar is King”.

    I may have that wrong.

  3. Dane Cook makes me stabby. I foam at the mouth with venomous musings.

  4. Where are the points for being a whiny crybaby and a pussy and playoff choker and a diver and a general suckbag of shit? Ribs would win in a landslide.

    Sorry, still bitter as hell.

  5. but Leclaire looks like he has fangs that “vil sahhk your blaaad!” doesn’t that count for something? Ribeiro just looks like he really, REALLY needs more sleep

  6. Ribeiro, is that FAKE TANNER!?

  7. after what ribeiro just did to chris osgood, he is the biggest doushe in sports…except for charles barkley


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