Douche War: St. Louis at Buffalo

Johnson_Pominville

 God, I would like to thank you for ensuring that the SI’s Pop Culture Grid editor doesn’t have the athlete rolodex of Peters Gammons and King.  Because of their limited reach, their ability to trot out a feature of inane questions asked to middling athletes has once again included 2, yes 2! NHL players in this week’s edition.  So in the name of all Features Recurring, it’s time for…

This Week’s Douche-Off!!!

Let’s meet your contestants.  First, we have the top choice in the NHL Entry Draft, Blues’ D-man Erik Johnson!!!!

Second, we have a guy who’s good, scary good (according to the Sabres’ color analyst – it’s Jason Pominville!!!!

Gentlemen, SI’s Pop Culture Grid has given us 5 head-to-head questions. 1 point will be assigned to the player whose answer is, for lack of a better term, “more douche.” Let’s play, shall we?

Question 1: Flavor Flav is…

Johnson: I have no idea           Pominville: What does that mean?

The Judges Say: Te reporter is an idiot for leading with a question about a forgettable VH-1 personality to a couple of white kids from Bloomington and Quebec.  Face it, SI.  The NHL doesn’t care about black…washed-up STD machines.  But to make the most of it, Johnson succumbs to the dumb query, while Pominville decides to hold his ground and question the SI reporter’s lack of ingenuity in defining “Pop Culture.”  Bravo, Jason.  POINT TO JOHNSON!!!

Question 2: A President should have a very big…

Johnson: Brain           Pominville: House

The Judges Say: Erik’s been paying attention to his politics.  Apparently, intelligence is a preferred trait in a Commander-in-Chief.  Who knew?  Jason, however, apparently thought the question was, “A President should have a very white…” Brilliant work, toolbag.  POINT TO POMINVILLE!!!

Question 3: I’d never date a woman who…

Johnson: Smells            Pominville: Has dated Tommy Lee

The Judges Say: Erik Johnson would have sucked at Mad Libs.  I’m serious.  When you’re 9, the only adjective you can come up with in Mad Libs is “smells.”  Hopefully, you’re smart enough to move on to more creative descriptive words.  Erik wasn’t so lucky.  As for the Tommy Lee answer, it’s good.  But Jason, if you do find yourself in that situation, and she accidentally calls out Mr. Lee’s name, just pretend she’s saying Pommy.  POINT TO JOHNSON!!!

Question 4: Sport you play the worst.

Johnson: Basketball, easily      Pominville: Soccer

The Judges Say: The best answer to this would have been “ice hockey.”  Because if you’re a professional NHLer, and hockey is your worst sport, that means you absolutely kick ass in ALL SPORTS and should be crowned the Best Athlete that Ever Existed.  However, our two rocket scientists went with predictable answers.  And old E.J. sucks at hoop despite being 6’4″.  That’s enough for me to award yet ANOTHER POINT TO JOHNSON!!!

 Question 5: Last Movie that Made You Cry

Johnson: Rudy              Pominville: I choked up at Gone Baby Gone

The Judges Say:  Jason Pominville’s an alright guy who watches decent cinema.  Erik Johnson has a heart of stone, having not cried in 15 years.  POINT TO JOHNSON!!!

Sorry, Blues fans.  It appears that your defense of the future just won this Douche-Off in a 4-1 rout.

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7 Comments

  1. When you’re 9, the only adjective you can come up with in Mad Libs is “smells.” Really? When I was 9, it was “aweseome”. One time my friends and I did an entire Mad Libs that was just variations of eth word “awesome” it was hilarious…because we were 9.

    But you’re right to award this to Johnson

  2. Erik Johnson lives in Al MacInnis’ basement (true story). I’m guessing he doesn’t get out much, and his pop culture input consists entirely of memories of the good old days in Nova Scotia.

  3. And the population of Pommenville goes up by 1 more!

  4. I should be able to spell a name that appears in the blog. Bad form.

  5. Crosby lives in Mario’s house, Kane lives with Stan Bowman. Odd how pro players making millions can’t live on their own.

  6. Hockey Jesus loves Hot Pockets.

  7. @wraparoundcurl: really? He always struck me as a Bagel bites/Tostino’s Pizza Rolls kinda guy, but I suppose he plays flexible like that


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