God, I would like to thank you for ensuring that the SI’s Pop Culture Grid editor doesn’t have the athlete rolodex of Peters Gammons and King. Because of their limited reach, their ability to trot out a feature of inane questions asked to middling athletes has once again included 2, yes 2! NHL players in this week’s edition. So in the name of all Features Recurring, it’s time for…
This Week’s Douche-Off!!!
Let’s meet your contestants. First, we have the top choice in the NHL Entry Draft, Blues’ D-man Erik Johnson!!!!
Second, we have a guy who’s good, scary good (according to the Sabres’ color analyst – it’s Jason Pominville!!!!
Gentlemen, SI’s Pop Culture Grid has given us 5 head-to-head questions. 1 point will be assigned to the player whose answer is, for lack of a better term, “more douche.” Let’s play, shall we?
Question 1: Flavor Flav is…
Johnson: I have no idea Pominville: What does that mean?
The Judges Say: Te reporter is an idiot for leading with a question about a forgettable VH-1 personality to a couple of white kids from Bloomington and Quebec. Face it, SI. The NHL doesn’t care about black…washed-up STD machines. But to make the most of it, Johnson succumbs to the dumb query, while Pominville decides to hold his ground and question the SI reporter’s lack of ingenuity in defining “Pop Culture.” Bravo, Jason. POINT TO JOHNSON!!!
Question 2: A President should have a very big…
Johnson: Brain Pominville: House
The Judges Say: Erik’s been paying attention to his politics. Apparently, intelligence is a preferred trait in a Commander-in-Chief. Who knew? Jason, however, apparently thought the question was, “A President should have a very white…” Brilliant work, toolbag. POINT TO POMINVILLE!!!
Question 3: I’d never date a woman who…
Johnson: Smells Pominville: Has dated Tommy Lee
The Judges Say: Erik Johnson would have sucked at Mad Libs. I’m serious. When you’re 9, the only adjective you can come up with in Mad Libs is “smells.” Hopefully, you’re smart enough to move on to more creative descriptive words. Erik wasn’t so lucky. As for the Tommy Lee answer, it’s good. But Jason, if you do find yourself in that situation, and she accidentally calls out Mr. Lee’s name, just pretend she’s saying Pommy. POINT TO JOHNSON!!!
Question 4: Sport you play the worst.
Johnson: Basketball, easily Pominville: Soccer
The Judges Say: The best answer to this would have been “ice hockey.” Because if you’re a professional NHLer, and hockey is your worst sport, that means you absolutely kick ass in ALL SPORTS and should be crowned the Best Athlete that Ever Existed. However, our two rocket scientists went with predictable answers. And old E.J. sucks at hoop despite being 6’4″. That’s enough for me to award yet ANOTHER POINT TO JOHNSON!!!
Question 5: Last Movie that Made You Cry
Johnson: Rudy Pominville: I choked up at Gone Baby Gone
The Judges Say: Jason Pominville’s an alright guy who watches decent cinema. Erik Johnson has a heart of stone, having not cried in 15 years. POINT TO JOHNSON!!!
Sorry, Blues fans. It appears that your defense of the future just won this Douche-Off in a 4-1 rout.