Ovie the Mentor

 

*Alexander Ovechkin approaches Nicklas Backstrom with a notecard*

Ovie: Nick, canz I talk to you?

Nicklas Backstrom: Sure, Ovie.

Ovie: *Reads card* I haz been in NHL for 3 yearz now. I no dummy. It is my role as alternate captain to ze captain’s captain to tell you about own goalz.

Backstrom: *sigh* Fine.

Ovie: You see, when we iz in own zone, we mustz clear puck past ze blue line zo that flightless birdz no have good chance for odd man rush.

Backstrom: I know, Ovie.

Ovie: Sidney Crosby, Hockey Jezuz, Huet’s pads close, puck freezes, we no want him to score goalz. Goalz = girlz, Nicky. How you think I date Katja? My astonishing awesome looks or zeez designer jeanz? HELLLL NO! You knowz how I gets hot girlz?

Backstrom: How, Ovie?

Ovie: I RIP SHOTZ!!! You knowz how you eatz plate of wingz with hot sauce? Spizes zat make your head blow like Avachinsky?

Backstrom: No, Alex. I’m trying to eat healthily. We can’t all subsist on fried food alone.

Ovie: You no live if you don’t eat pound of wingz after 5 point night!!!!! How youz getz extra speed through neutral zone after crossing own blue line????

Backstrom: I skate with a parachute on my back to increase my endurance, which gives me extra energy at the end of the game, therefore allowing me an extra boost when I need it.

Ovie: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I getz power from my DARE REE AIR!!!!

Backstrom: Excuse me?

Ovie: Just eat one pound of hot wings and BOOOOOOOMMMM!!! YOU IZ RUSSIAN ROCKET POWERED!!!!

HOWZ ABOUT SOME MORE WINGS COMRADE TAGGARTSKOV!!!???

Backstrom: I don’t see how this applies to Sunday night. I tried to shoot the puck off the endboards toward the corner, and I deflected the puck at the wrong angle. It was an accident, Ovie. I didn’t need you to act like the prima donna that you are!

Ovie: HEYYYYYY!!!! I IZ TRYING TO BE PERFESHINALL HERE!!! WHO ONE TIMES GOALZ ALL THE TIME? WHO RIPS ASS AFTER EATING TORTILLAS AND LIME?

IT OVIE TIME!!!!!!

*Whips notecard down, Backstrom’s pants fly off*

We trying to make playoffz! There’z no time to feel zorry for yourself! Yesss, I overreacted. What do you wantz from me? I’z 22!!! You know what silly Americanz are doing at that age? Bonging beers off Glen Hanlon’s head! Zere is no time to lose! Pull yourz head out of azz and help!!

*Slaps Backstrom*

Well?

Backstrom: OK, Alex. I’m sorry. It, it was just a complete accident. I, I, I …

Ovie: It alright, Nicky. We iz young and full of N R G. Give me hugz, brozef.

*Ovie and Backstrom hug*

Sorry about yourz pantz. I thinkz I see them behind Brashy’s locker. You know, I used to attract women with that look …

Assist to Washington Capitals for the picture

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2 Comments

  1. Nice Shot, Nicklas.

  2. Russian power-rocket? Somehow this explains so much and yet so little at the same time


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