Dick jokes aside, Oral Roberts University is a liberal arts Christian school in the heart of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Recently, their men’s basketball team won the Summit League to earn a berth in the NCAA March Madness bracket, commencing Wednesday. Seeing that Mount St. Mary’s got screwed with a play-in game, the Lord has put his full faith in the Golden Eagles of ORU. He just wishes sometimes they haven’t lived such a sheltered existence.
Coach Scott Sutton: Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the opportunity to carry your cross through the darkness of the South Regional. But Lord, we are confused. What it this “Pitts-burgh” the selection committee speaks of?
Sidney Crosby: (listens intently) Dad, don’t worry. I got this one.
Last week, Chris Pronger decided to attempt to perform surgery on Ryan Kesler. One may say he recklessly started to stamp on Kesler’s leg. Others may say he was just dancing to “Cotton Eyed Joe”, which played on the arena’s PA system. Who’s to say for sure?
What’s important is what happened after the incident in question. Chris Pronger originally was exonerated by the NHL’s disciplinary committee. Then, when the video was slow-mo’d and enhanced, Pronger got an eight game suspension, despite my vehement defense. Now, noted douchebag Scott Burnside at ESPN writes that the disciplinary system should be more open and more judicial. In that spirit, after the jump, is my staunch defense of Chris Pronger, as given to the disciplinary committee, in the form of my closing argument at the re-hearing.
Before Sunday’s Blackhawks-Flames tilt …
You fucking turdsucking shitheads, if we don’t get out of this mistake by the lake city with 2 points, I’m gonna piss on your mothers’ graves. The last time these turds went to the Stanley Cup, you know who was the coach? That’s right, yours fucking truly! Do you know who’s in net for them? Patrick Lalime. HE’S A HUMAN PONG PADDLE!!! And a slow one at that! Like playing your cross-eyed five year old cousin at ping pong! If we can’t beat this group of numbnuts, I’ll make you skate Mikeys!