Mike Keenan Doesn’t Celebrate Secretary’s Day

Before Sunday’s Blackhawks-Flames tilt …

You fucking turdsucking shitheads, if we don’t get out of this mistake by the lake city with 2 points, I’m gonna piss on your mothers’ graves. The last time these turds went to the Stanley Cup, you know who was the coach? That’s right, yours fucking truly! Do you know who’s in net for them? Patrick Lalime. HE’S A HUMAN PONG PADDLE!!! And a slow one at that! Like playing your cross-eyed five year old cousin at ping pong! If we can’t beat this group of numbnuts, I’ll make you skate Mikeys!

Any questions?

What’s a Mikey? First, you do 54 wind sprints, goal line to goal line, in 5 minutes. Why 54? Because that’s how long it took for those shitheads in Manhattan to win a Stanley Cup. Without me, Sam Rosen is just another hockey announcer with a bad toupee! Next, you skate my name, Michael Edward Keenan, into the ice, from blue line to blue line, in twenty seconds. It’s my ice when we’re on it. Failure to do this results in being roped by the cowboys in the Saddledome and getting branded with an “MEK”!

Any other questions?

What’s that, Iginla? Cleveland is the mistake? Fuck you, asshole! Bob Pulford was the biggest mistake in the NHL!

Hey Kiprusoff, you fat fuck! How many blueberry pies you eat on the plane ride over, you Fin whale? Why’d you even bother sticking on those pads when that tricep flab covers the entire net? I can’t wait to trade you for Khabibulin’s expiring contract. Huh? I’m not the GM? Fuck that! Darryl Sutter’s nothing but a fortunate sonofabitch!

Ooooh, look at big bad Dion steaming out the ears! DION ANGRY? DION WANT SMASH? You encephalitic dipshit! Don’t make me pull out my laser pointer! You’re scared by bright flashing lights! Go crawl back into the primordial ooze that spawned you!

Oh ho, it doesn’t matter what happens on the ice! It’s a lose-lose for you and a win-win for me!

Assist to SI.com for the pic



  1. anyone else wondering on what would happen is Mike Keenan and Sean Avery were to end up in the same room together? I’m betting on explodey and something that we could make a pay-per-view event.

  2. @Domi
    I think we need some sort of a cage match for all douchebags of the NHL. No holds barred. It’d be like The Warriors.

  3. or we can create a “League of Extrodinary Douches” instead of “League of Extraordinary Gentilmen” maybe a Thunderdome type thing? Except if we do that one, it’d break down when someone removes the mask of an opponent and relalizes that it’s just a mentally handicapped man-child

  4. @Domi
    You know what takes place on Sunday besides Easter? Sir Knobgobbler vs. Hockey Jesus.

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