Dick jokes aside, Oral Roberts University is a liberal arts Christian school in the heart of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Recently, their men’s basketball team won the Summit League to earn a berth in the NCAA March Madness bracket, commencing Wednesday. Seeing that Mount St. Mary’s got screwed with a play-in game, the Lord has put his full faith in the Golden Eagles of ORU. He just wishes sometimes they haven’t lived such a sheltered existence.

Coach Scott Sutton: Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the opportunity to carry your cross through the darkness of the South Regional. But Lord, we are confused. What it this “Pitts-burgh” the selection committee speaks of?

Sidney Crosby: (listens intently) Dad, don’t worry. I got this one.

Crosby: (stifles laughter) Scott, I don’t believe the Lord understands.

Sutton: Jesus? Really? Talking directly to me??? Man, wait until I tell those losers at Texas Christian –

Crosby: Scott, My time is precious –

Sutton:Of course, Jesus. It’s this mission against Pitts-burgh. Where is this land? Near Norman? Edmond? The Capital? I’ll admit, we spend so much time in chapel that we don’t get to travel much.

Crosby: Pittsburgh is a glorious city on a hill in the glorious province of Pennsylvania! Have you heard of it?

Sutton: How could I be so foolish? Of course! Pennsylvania! Quakers have done great things there, we’ve heard. What can you tell me about our first-round opponents, “4 Pittsburgh?” Be they heathens?

Crosby: No, my child. THEY BE PENGUINS!

Sutton: Penguins, you say? What an unusual name for a basketball team! But, I say, this will get the boys riled up something fierce. On the team bus the other day, I thought it would be a safe bet to show them the film, “Happy Feet.” I had no idea of its tree-hugging, environazi, leftist-agenda! Forgive me, Jesus, for I have sinned with my video rental selections.

Crosby: That’s the least of your problems, Scott. For if you do not repent or scout your opponent, you will be left to atone.

Sutton: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

Crosby: Look, man, it’s kind of a busy week up here. We are mere days from the anniversary of Me getting completely dicked over by a bunch of Barabbas-loving ingrates. I’m not in the best of moods. However, your university stands to spread the Good Word, and even though Joel Osteen gives me the creeps, I am going to give you the game plan to defeat the Penguins.

Sutton: Amen!

(two days later)


Denver (AP) – First round action at the Pepsi Center has been relocated to Colorado Springs after the #13 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles have ruined the hardwood court by insisting on practicing in hockey skates. While the players appeared baffled, Head Coach Scott Sutton is proud of his team’s efforts.

“They be Penguins!,” Sutton exclaimed, as if he were speaking in tongues.

The trainer’s staff has been excessively busy, as the upstart Summit League champions have rolled 19 ankles, incurred 2 concussions, and 1 smiting.

In an unrelated news, Pittsburgh Penguin forwards Jordan Staal, Evgeni Malkin, and Sidney Crosby were recently seen snickering behind the scorer’s table.



  1. The nice part? After they beat Pitt, they get to take on Temple. That’s a guaranteed win, seeing as how Jesus hates the Jews.

  2. Jeff Halpern boycotts this post.

  3. Oral Roberts to the Sweet 16. It’s a lock because it’s Easter weekend and God wants them to win.

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