If Rick DiPietro Had My Job

EP-BT7101As I mentioned in my intro upon joining the MYFO team, I’ve got a job that allows me to read the maximum number of sports blogs while computing the minimum amount of ROI calculations over any given day.  Don’t get me wrong, I get my work done, but I’ve maximized it in such a way that allows me to keep busy with the on-goings of underground, and that includes laughing at the misfortunes of one Vesa Toskala.

What if Hockey Players had normal jobs?  They couldn’t rely on their speed, strength, and unpronounceable French Canadian and Czech names for a paycheck.  Now the last thing I want to be is an NHL goalie, using my face as a puckblocker.  But I have to wonder…

What if Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro had my job?

Welcome to work, Rick.  Your calculator and ledger pads are waiting for you on your desk.  Your laptop sits in front of you.  Now we’ve got you working out of the New York office.  And remember, not only are you working for a paycheck, but also for America! 

Oh, and the CEO, Barry Gettman, will be rooting for you, so that’s some serious job security.

8:00 AM: Even though Rick’s colleague, Roberto L., has been here longer and has a bright future, the promise of having an analyst with an American university degree has forced the hand of management.  Roberto L. has been relocated to the basement, and Rick has inherited his desk, coffee mug, goalie pads, and yes, his red stapler.

9:00 AM: Wall Street opens, and the firm’s stock price nosedives 8 points.  Of course, management blames this on past earnings and mistakes from yesterday, and promises us with new fresh-faced analysts like Rick, the future in indeed bright.

9:30 AM: Rick is a hard worker, and successfully completes his orientation materials, despite the chaos surrounding.  He gets a farewell e-mail from Jason Blake, who says that the crazy guy in HR, Mr. Millbury may trade Rick to Chik-Fil-A for some of those delicious waffle fries.

10:00 AM: Rick reads a memo that the aforementioned HR manager has been fired.

10:30 AM: After successfully operating the electric pencil sharpener, new HR Manager Snow rushes to Rick’s desk, gives him a lucrative bonus, and tells him he can do whatever he likes in his new job – thanks to a long-term employment contract.

11:00 AM: Alexei Yashin empties his belongings into a box, worried for the future.

11:30 AM: Rick offers to become in charge of the Party Planning Committee.  Mark Parrish offers to supply the tunes. 

12:00 PM: Lunch break.  He gets eaten up by the shootout.

1:00-2:30 PM: Hardcore work from Rick.  It’s not stellar financial analysis, but it’s good enough to make his colleagues not complain loudly about Rick’s job security.  In a corner cubicle, Wade D. wonders why no one makes a big deal about leading the office to solid 4th quarter earnings last year.  Where was Rick then? 

3:00 PM: Oh, Wade D. forgot.  Rick has a bit of issue with closing.  For the second consecutive year, DiPietro has suffered a massive paper cut, forcing him to call it a day early and go home to watch some March Madness.  And since workman’s comp is one sweet free ride, I think it’s a safe bet that we’re not going to see him anytime soon. 

3:01 PM: The Xerox Machine catches fire.

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6 Comments

  1. Hex, you are a good corporate soldier. America’s future is in good hands.

    Now, where did I put my survival kit and gift card to Andy’s Ammo?

  2. How might one catch a Zerox machine on fire?

  3. I was reading this and thinking “I wonder what it would be like if companies could trade employees like they trade players?” Especially for me since so far I’ve only worked in retail/service shit jobs and one summer spent polishing instruments along with farm labor:

    “Bob, pack up your nametag and vest. In a blockbuster trade [this hardware store] traded you and a bag of fertilizer to [rival store] for an inventory guy and a power drill to be named later.”

  4. one summer spent polishing instruments

    With the mental image in my dirty, dirty mind, the truth will only be a disappointment.

  5. Hey Domi, wanna trade jobs? VS is getting tiresome. I will even give you my blazer and measuring tape.

    @RD: the polishing of instruments struck me as a bit creepy.

  6. it wasn’t dirty, honest! there was a music store near where I lived that rented out musical instruments to schools and such. My job was to clean them before the new school year. Kinda boring, but hey, no idiot customers. Sorry to disappoint, RD

    Wraparoundcurl, I don’t know what VS is but I am intrigued by the idea of a blazer and measuring tape—oh wait, I think I just put 2 and 2 together.


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