MYFO’s Snap Judgments Based Solely on Photographs: Eastern Conference Coaches

Snap Judgment

As the regular season winds down, I thought MYFO should take a break from the usual hard-hitting analysis all of our dear readers have come to love and once again take a look at the people behind the greatest game on ice (except Curling). And what better way to do that than to make uninformed and unfounded inferences about people than by only looking at a photograph of them? As you may recall, we have already done this with the coaches of the Western Conference teams, so today, it will be the Eastern Conference head coaches that are subjected to my keen eye and questionable reasoning skills.

Guy CarbonneauGuy Carbonneau – Montreal Canadiens:

  • has a fetish for women with hairy armpits
  • insists he looks like Tony Hawk
  • favorite television show is The Family “Ghee”
  • wonders if Rogaine may be the right choice for him

Michel TherrienMichel Therrien – Pittsburgh Penguins:

  • ashamed of his poor dental hygiene
  • always wanted to learn how to play the banjo but never found the time
  • favorite song is the ’70’s classic Sad Eyes by Robert John
  • loves having a few Cosmos at the end of a long day

Peter LaviolettePeter Laviolette – Carolina Hurricanes:

  • gets mouth shot full of Novocaine before every game
  • resolves disputes at home with staring contests
  • has never been sunburned
  • chronic bed-wetter

Brent SutterBrent Sutter – New Jersey Devils:

  • not allowed to enter any Chuck E. Cheese restaurant, per plea agreement
  •  has seen The Wiggles in concert over 50 times
  • wears “footie” pajamas to bed
  • passes the time on road trips transferring the Sunday Comics onto Silly Putty

Bryan MurrayBryan Murray – Ottawa Senators:

  • wishes those damn kids in the neighborhood would STAY OFF HIS LAWN!!
  • if it ain’t Matlock, he ain’t watching it
  • has a prostate the size of a tennis ball
  • argues with employees at Starbucks about “the ridiculous price for a daggum cup of coffee”

Tom RenneyTom Renney – New York Rangers:

  • sleeps with a knife under his pillow
  • refers to women as “broads” and African-Americans as “darkies”
  • believes immigrants should “go back to their own crappy country”
  • loves Broadway musicals

John StevensJohn Stevens – Philadelphia Flyers:

  • ring-tone on his cell phone is the theme song from The Greatest American Hero
  • claims Sears is a great place to pick-up chicks
  • drives a 1999 Mazda Miata
  • owns over 50 pairs of Oakley sunglasses

Claude JulienClaude Julien – Boston Bruins:

  • enjoys putting on what he refers to as “naughty puppet shows”
  • wears a “Bald is Beautiful” t-shirt on family outings
  • claims one of his goals in life is to “get a Slinky to go all the way down the stairs”
  • cannot operate a digital camera

Bruce BoudreauBruce Boudreau – Washington Capitals:

  • narrowly edged out by Mark Holton for the starring role in 2003 film Gacy
  • his favorite food is gravy
  • has a fear of flushing toilets
  • believes he looks good in a Speedo

Lindy RuffLindy Ruff – Buffalo Sabres:

  • his whole house is decked out with shag carpet
  • favorite movie is Boogie Nights
  • goes by “Ruffrider” on online dating sites
  • isn’t afraid, in his words, “to go there”

Jacques MartinJacques Martin – Florida Panthers:

  • if someone ever makes a movie about his life, he wants Peter Stomare to play him
  • thinks “rough sex” means masturbating with sandpaper
  • eats sandwiches with a knife and fork
  • all his jokes come from “Laughter: The Best Medicine” column in Reader’s Digest

Paul MauricePaul Maurice – Toronto Maple Leafs:

  • always smokes a bowl before press conferences
  • uses self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism
  • loves the television show Highway to Heaven
  • favorite board game is Stratego

Ted NolanTed Nolan – New York Islanders:

  • secretly wishes he wasn’t married because, as he puts it, “look at me”
  • tells people that the First Nations ethnicity is “the new Black”
  • total hair mousse guy – hates gel
  • notorious for being late for meetings

Don WaddellDon Waddell – Atlanta Thrashers:

  • big time boozer
  • enjoys walking around naked in hotels and blaming it on sleepwalking
  • believes all Finns are scumbags
  • President of the Roy Clark Fan Club

John TortorellaJohn Tortorella – Tampa Bay Lightning:

  • sometimes mistaken for Michael Gross from Family Ties
  • shaves three times a day
  • deathly afraid of cats
  • claims to be a die-hard Metallica fan, especially “their real old stuff” from the “Black Album”
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3 Comments

  1. Lindy Ruff: thinks he looks like Hawkeye from MASH and has used that for a Halloween costume the past 15 years.

  2. Paul Maurice–always smokes a bowl before press conferences can you blame the guy? If I were him I’d be solidly sauced pretty much 24/7. I’d show up to games sloshed and still think I’d do better than him, even though my coaching direction would be something like “You…with the…beard–hit that ugly guy. the one on the other team OTHER TEAM, YA JACKASS!”

    Peter Laviolette–spends his nights sucking his thumb and holding his ear

  3. Sometimes, Paul Maurice substitutes psychedelics for ganja before those press conferences.


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