Friday March 21, 2008: The Capitals Locker Room
Late Friday night, The Capitals congratulated Alex Ovechkin on his entrance into the 60 Goal Club by locking him in a broom closet. Greeny smeared a Barbasol pie in Ovie’s face, and Donald grabbed the stunned Ovie by the collar and threw the superstar into a small room adjacent to the visitor’s locker room. Viktor grabbed the door handle to prevent Ovie from escaping and to thwart anyone from entering, but Shaone wrested control of the portal from Viktor.
“Thou art the worst defensive player we have,” said Shaone.
“You are a doubting Thomas,” said Viktor.
“No,” replied Shaone, “I’m dead certain you cannot skate backwards to save your life.”
Then there was much squabbling amongst the young defenseman and the experienced center. Viktor attempted to defend his honor, only to have Shaone score on him. Then others entered the fray. Alexander the Lesser bolstered his frontline teammate, while Thomas of Worcester scored on Viktor again. Every Capital entered the fray, forgetting that their teammate Ovie was still in the broom closet.
After thousands of facewashes and bloomer wedgies, Michael, whom Ovie loved best, remembered their forgotten teammate. He opened the closet door, only to find an empty room. Or at least it seemed empty. A young man of 18, dressed in white, poked his head out of the corner.
“Don’t be alarmed,” said he. “I’m just the Philips Arena janitor. While you guys were having a royal rumble, I let Alex out of the room so that he could celebrate his milestone in the appropriate fashion. By that, I mean that he joined Patrick Ewing and Terrell Davis in a night of hookers and blow.”
The janitor pushed his mop and bucket out of the broom closet, leaving the rest of the Capitals distraught and confused at the actions of their leader. Had he abandoned them for a couple of broken down dipshits?
“He has left us, forever,” said Thomas.
“He will come back for us,” John said.
“Not until I see the puck with which he scored his 60th goal and feel the unruly mop on his head,” replied Thomas.
“Didz someonez callz me?” asked Ovie.
And there was much rejoicing amongst the Capitals. Ovie headbutted the drywall to allow enough room to return to the floor of the locker room with his teammates. He handed Thomas the second puck that entered the net off his stick that night. Upon feeling the rubber in his hand, Thomas rubbed Ovie’s head, prompting Ovie to say, “You was at ice-level whenz I scored! And the Jumbotron posted my feat! You’z not doubtful, you’z just ignorant!” Thomas lowered his head in shame. Ovie said, “You owez me 6 hours of gold mining and we’z even.” Thomas agreed to this and believed once again.
From then on, Ovie went wherever the Capitals played. It was in his contract.