MYFO Liveblog: Biblical Battle – Penguins v. Rangers

Evening, gang! Versus is just getting cranked up, so join us after the jump for some sweet liveblogging action. Comment along and get blitzed with us.

7:11 PM EDT Update:

Weed Against Speed has joined the conference.

Weed Against Speed: Hello, sir.
Reasonable Doubt: This day just wouldn’t end
Reasonable Doubt: Just walking in the door now
Reasonable Doubt: How’s tricks?
Weed Against Speed: Not too shabby. It’s snowing up here in Minne-soh-tah…inches of slush.
Weed Against Speed: Sidney Crosby plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins?? Thanks lady!
Reasonable Doubt: Sidney Crosby looks vaguely like a woman during interviews
Reasonable Doubt: The NHL Phone commercials always make me laugh simply for the Dad yelling LOSER!! to the other babies in the nursery
Weed Against Speed: I reckon he looks vaguely like Amanda B. Wreckundwith…am I right?
Reasonable Doubt: She never swallowed.
Reasonable Doubt: Even when I held her head down
Reasonable Doubt: …wow, I feel wrong reading that
Weed Against Speed: Not as wrong as she felt would be my guess. And you want home ice adavantage in the playoffs for game 7s? Thanks again, Versus!
Raskolnikov has joined the conference.

Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, Versus–I’m glad someone told me why you want a high seed. Here I am thinking that the higher seed got another player on the ice or something.
Reasonable Doubt: Hey Rask
Raskolnikov: Yo
Weed Against Speed: Hello, Rask
Raskolnikov: in case you guys didn’t know
Raskolnikov: IPods blow
Reasonable Doubt: I’m thinking the Rangers are set out to play just bad enough to get the 6th seed so they draw the Hurricanes in round 1
Reasonable Doubt: iPods do blow.
Reasonable Doubt: Atlanta and Tampa aren’t important? Well, fuck you too!

7:16 PM EDT Update:

Weed Against Speed: So do coke whores.
Raskolnikov: Tampa knows what they did
Raskolnikov: Brooksy doesn’t
Reasonable Doubt: I love that interview for some reason.
Reasonable Doubt: I just want to have that on loop on command during my daily routine
Reasonable Doubt: “We know what we did.”
Reasonable Doubt: “You just hit that car!” “We know what we did.”
Reasonable Doubt: “I just fucked your mom!” “We know what we did.”
Reasonable Doubt: “You just killed that joke!” “We know what we did.”
Reasonable Doubt: Here we go!
Weed Against Speed: Avery!!
Reasonable Doubt: Avery and Malone!!
Reasonable Doubt: YES!!!!!!!1
Reasonable Doubt: Avery knocks down Malone with a nice stiff right

7:23 PM EDT Update:
Weed Against Speed: internal monologue: “stupid fucking whores!”
Hextall has joined the conference.

Reasonable Doubt: Evening Hex
Raskolnikov: Put the Big Show in there
Raskolnikov: Good evening sir
Weed Against Speed: Greetings, Hex
Hextall: Apologies for the lateness…
Hextall: apparently Panda Express is a fucking misnomer.
Reasonable Doubt: No worries–you missed a solid fight though.
Raskolnikov: you know how fast pandas move?
Raskolnikov: slower than Hal Gill
Reasonable Doubt: Who lives in the East `neath the Willow Tree?
Reasonable Doubt: Sexual Harrassment Panda…
Weed Against Speed: Pandas can move pretty fast when the horny zookeeper enters their cage. So I’ve heard.
Hextall: True. I should have known.
Hextall: This game needs more Staals.
Reasonable Doubt: And ruuutuuuutuuutuuu
Hextall: For the record, ESPN’s current 3 stars of the night?
Hextall: 1. Fleury – 4 saves
Weed Against Speed: I think there may be a law against that, Hex.
Hextall: 2. Gomez – 1 SOG
Hextall: 3. AVERY – 1 SOG
Reasonable Doubt: And one Knockout

7:29 PM EDT Update:

Hextall: Apparently Straka’s shot was better than Avery’s, because he’s already been replaced. Who decides these things?
Weed Against Speed: The same person who picks ESPN’s Comment of the Day.
Reasonable Doubt: That poor bastard
Raskolnikov: that dog becomes more and more British with each word
Reasonable Doubt: I’m a box of wine that you get from the grocery store.
Reasonable Doubt: I am the Stanley Cup Playoffs
Weed Against Speed: The Stanley Cup Playoffs on Versus knows what it did.
Weed Against Speed: Thankfully, that dog doesn’t keep saying “peanut butter” cuz that would be inapproriate.
Reasonable Doubt: When did Jesus become “Cros”?
Reasonable Doubt: “Back across to Cros”
Weed Against Speed: Pudding pops! Oh wait. That’s Cos.
Hextall: I’m Jesus. My disciples call me Cros.
Reasonable Doubt: I’m going to start recycling my Crosby Sweater jokes

7:34 PM EDT Update:

Hextall: Is anyone else getting this low budg SMCStreet commercial?
Reasonable Doubt: Yes
Reasonable Doubt: I want to sell glass dolphins
Hextall: Does MYFO have a warehouse full of appealing items?
Reasonable Doubt: We do now
Reasonable Doubt: Thanks Weed!
Weed Against Speed: They will be available for sale one day…and people will buy them.
Raskolnikov: a MYFO Theo Fleury bong?
Reasonable Doubt: Glass Tobacco Pipe!
Weed Against Speed: It’s on the list of upcoming items, Rask. I’m presently in negotiations with Graffix.
Weed Against Speed: That was not a pretty 2 on 1.
Raskolnikov: I can’t wait to bring it to Scores!
Reasonable Doubt: Shanahan had a nice look at the goal…but his bifocals didn’t focus in time

7:40 PM EDT Update:

Hextall: What are they going to do without Laraque on the penalty kill?
Weed Against Speed: Laraque with a late hit??
Reasonable Doubt: Mara was between Laraque and a hard place
Reasonable Doubt: …..what???
Weed Against Speed: Wow.
Reasonable Doubt: You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first.
Weed Against Speed: They need maps in the Laraque.
Raskolnikov: bigger chin: Simpson or Zelasko?
Weed Against Speed: True.
Reasonable Doubt: Good lord
Weed Against Speed: Zelasko went to the plastic surgeon and said “give me the Cowher”.
Hextall: It’s time for a change: Vote Laraque Obama.
Reasonable Doubt: The Long Legged Mack Daddy
Raskolnikov: Simpson went to the surgeon and asked for the “Tara Reid”
Reasonable Doubt: So she now has five nipples?
Reasonable Doubt: All on top of each other?
Raskolnikov: we’ll see at Chris Pronger’s party
Weed Against Speed: Tara Reid wants the Pronger Donger.
Reasonable Doubt: And we’re at the end of 1.

7:59 PM EDT Update:
Weed Against Speed: Smoke break.
Raskolnikov: that’s why no one cares about Atlanta and Tampa
Raskolnikov: Please say Joel Quenneville
Raskolnikov: I need a good laugh
Weed Against Speed: Mmmmm…Burger King – but not the breakfast, though.
Reasonable Doubt: Hey, bull riding!
Reasonable Doubt: WHEEEEEEEEE!
Weed Against Speed: Are we live blogging the PBR this weekend?
Reasonable Doubt: Only if I can liveblog the Santa Anita Derby too.
Raskolnikov: And there’s a shock to the nuts
Raskolnikov: Bwahahaha
Raskolnikov: Peter Laviolette
Raskolnikov: Fuck Sergei Samsonov
Reasonable Doubt: How the fuck does that guy get even a mention?
Raskolnikov: fuck that lazy bum
Raskolnikov: maybe Peter attached electrodes to his nuts
Weed Against Speed: Sometimes I need a moist laviolette when I eat BBQ.
Reasonable Doubt: I really want to see “The Ruins”
Reasonable Doubt: The trailer is badass
Weed Against Speed: Agreed
Reasonable Doubt: The last time I heard a girl say “It’s inside me!” with so much fear, I was dating a Southern Baptist
Raskolnikov: the only thing it’s missing is a girl with a drippy nose
Weed Against Speed: It’s strange for a Southern Baptist girl when it’s not her dad doing it.
Reasonable Doubt: That’s a fair point
Weed Against Speed: Mike Emrick creeps me out.
Weed Against Speed: I’m not sure why.
Reasonable Doubt: He’s like Joe Morgan
Reasonable Doubt: Just…creepy looking
Raskolnikov: Dapper Dan will be out of business when Edzo loses more of his hair

8:07 PM EDT Update:

Hextall: Save? Didn’t that miss completely?
Weed Against Speed: I thought so.
Reasonable Doubt: I was making sure I was DVR’ing The Big Bang Theory
Raskolnikov: Conklin would’ve shown more effort
Reasonable Doubt: Are those drama masks on his helmet?
Weed Against Speed: He’s a big fan of Motley Crue’s “Theater of Pain” album.
Raskolnikov: KGB League Leaders
Hextall: “he penetrates so well…”
Reasonable Doubt: Speaking of which, Gomez needs to stop looking for a new wangbasket to fuck and make a drive to the net
Reasonable Doubt: He’s just kind of meandering around
Hextall: You know Edzo, before you got fired for being a failure.
Raskolnikov: You missed Dan Kelly saying something unintentionally hilarious
Raskolnikov: He asked Edzo
Weed Against Speed: (During the commercial break) That was fucking bush league, ya douche!
Hextall: a SyDORRIAR
Raskolnikov: “I know you were never in the position to make the playoffs as a coach …
Raskolnikov: but what would you do right now if you were coach of the Hawks?”
Hextall: lol

8:16 PM EDT Update:
Weed Against Speed: Does Myoplex make you gay?
Reasonable Doubt: No
Raskolnikov: no, it makes you hate them
Reasonable Doubt: Bioflex makes you bi, though
Raskolnikov: you’ll snap outside the Crowbar
Weed Against Speed: (jots down a few notes)
Reasonable Doubt: Is that Hey Now on an organ?
Raskolnikov: it’s not Sabre Dancing
Weed Against Speed: Bowflex makes you hate Billy Blanks.
Hextall: Ricechex make you no longer hungry.
Reasonable Doubt: Ditech steals loans from banks
Hextall: Poor Hal Gill. The only verb anyone ever uses for him is “lumbers.”
Hextall: Just yesterday, I saw Hal Gill lumber a sandwich.
Weed Against Speed: I saw Hal Gill lumber some lumber right before he took a slumber and forgot his own phone number.
Reasonable Doubt: And I just got absolved from my Laraque joke.
Reasonable Doubt: Thanks Weed!
Weed Against Speed: That’s why I’m here – unfortunately.
Reasonable Doubt: Project Khaos has commenced
Raskolnikov: I shouldn’t look for a house or apartment
Raskolnikov: just a Dodge Caravan

8:24 PM EDT Update:
Raskolnikov: my stuffed animals need a game room
Raskolnikov: Ryan, how does it feel to get knocked the fuck out
Reasonable Doubt: He’s got a black eye
Reasonable Doubt: SCORE!
Reasonable Doubt: ….what the fuck?
Weed Against Speed: nope – above the crossbar.
Reasonable Doubt: Mother fucker
Weed Against Speed: I don’t think he touched it.
Reasonable Doubt: Scoderi punched it in
Hextall: …into Gomez’s stick
Reasonable Doubt: Gomez never touched it
Weed Against Speed: That’s a goal, ain’t it?
Reasonable Doubt: That’s a goal
Weed Against Speed: I need Troy Aikman to break this down for me.
Reasonable Doubt: I need John Madden going BOOM!
Raskolnikov: it’s like we’re waiting for someone to give birth
Reasonable Doubt: GOAL!

8:38 PM EDT Update:

Hextall: Mac Scuderi has to be thankful he’s not Colombian right now.
Reasonable Doubt: He’s going to get anally raped by Steely McBean
Weed Against Speed: Scuderi must be an Italian name, right? I’m surprised he didn’t take a dive after he took a swing at the puck.
Reasonable Doubt: The most important thing to remember here, of course…
Reasonable Doubt: Avery adds one to his +/-
Raskolnikov: which isn’t the same as the league +/-
Reasonable Doubt: No, his +/- is “I’ve fucked more times than the rest of these guys together”
Raskolnikov: thanks to the Dodge Caravan, husbands no longer have to beat their wives to get the kids’ attention
Weed Against Speed: Doesn’t it have something to do with his T cell count?
Reasonable Doubt: Possible. He doesn’t concern himself with details.
Reasonable Doubt: Crosby’s getting a little chippy
Weed Against Speed: Sidney Crosby is going to fight Pierre Marc Bouchard in the Stanley Cup Finals.
Weed Against Speed: *maybe not
Raskolnikov: they show Malone punching Avery
Raskolnikov: not the knockout
Weed Against Speed:
Reasonable Doubt: No one wants to show Malone getting his ass handed to him apparently
Reasonable Doubt: That Wild/Nucks game was beautiful
Weed Against Speed: Burrows is a punk ass mother fucker. And not just because of that video.
Reasonable Doubt: Nice penalty kill by the Rangers
Weed Against Speed: Ooh. That was close.

8:47 PM EDT Update:
Reasonable Doubt: And we’re at the end of 2
Raskolnikov: Martin Havlat can do his own surgery
Reasonable Doubt: OJv2.0 can make precision cuts
Reasonable Doubt: I find it hilarious the Southeast division comes down to who can play better against Tampa and Florida in the last two games of the season
Raskolnikov: those hospital beds are wonders for your back
Raskolnikov: what? They’re showing 2 western conference games?
Hextall: Wes-tern?
Raskolnikov: I thought there was only an eastern conference
Raskolnikov: we were always at war with Oceania
Reasonable Doubt: What about Kumchatka?

9:01 PM EDT Update:
Reasonable Doubt: This commercial is so fucking false
Reasonable Doubt: Luongo isn’t letting in easy goals
Weed Against Speed: Isn’t time for “Hate Week”?
Reasonable Doubt: H8
Raskolnikov: everybody talks about this Hawks resurgence
Raskolnikov: they’re not going to make the playoffs
Hextall: I’ve got a name for our playoff previews…how about “Playoff Racial Profiling?”
Weed Against Speed: Rask, your squad has a bright future, wouldn’t you say?
Raskolnikov: yeah
Raskolnikov: but this is the present
Weed Against Speed: Touche.
Raskolnikov: Ryan Miller obviously has the uglier mom
Raskolnikov: when the angle between your eyes is greater than 0
Reasonable Doubt: The King still freaks me the fuck out
Raskolnikov: he escaped from the Black Hole Sun video
Reasonable Doubt: A couple decent chances so far this period
Reasonable Doubt: Lundqvist is doing his best to make up for his “Better Know a Rented Mule” appearance
Hextall: Yes. Swedes seek vengeance.

9:13 PM EDT Update:

Reasonable Doubt: It’s past Shanahan’s bedtime
Raskolnikov: no
Weed Against Speed: What? Isn’t Matlock on at 9:00?
Raskolnikov: it’s his shift at Scores
Reasonable Doubt: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatlooooooooooooooooooock
Reasonable Doubt: That is so fucking disturbing.
Weed Against Speed: I shoulda went with “First!” on that post. That’s weird.
Raskolnikov: Marty Turco is disgusted with your ignorance and conformity to current gender norms
Raskolnikov: when Martin Gerber is your goalie, you’ve got major problems
Hextall: RD, did you see With Leather’s video about the Lightning mascot today?
Reasonable Doubt: No, I haven’t made the blog rounds today yet
Reasonable Doubt: Dare I ask?
Raskolnikov: Thunderbug has a great future in blow jobs
Raskolnikov: he can stand 6 feet away from the customer
Raskolnikov: and flop
Weed Against Speed: That video is awesome.
Hextall: It is. Thunderbug is accosting children on the beach.
Reasonable Doubt: Oh jebus
Weed Against Speed: A couple of those kids appear to get thwocked pretty well when he falls on them.
Reasonable Doubt: I want that job
Reasonable Doubt: Just run after random people
Raskolnikov: like a Milwaukee sausage
Hextall: SCORE
Weed Against Speed: You could go into personal injury, RD.
Weed Against Speed: (married to an attorney)
Reasonable Doubt: Nah–at least in criminal law, I get paid even if I lose
Raskolnikov: wanhwanhwanh
Raskolnikov: or whatever the dialogue in March of the Penguins was
Weed Against Speed: Nice little jig that guy did. I didn’t see who it was.
Reasonable Doubt: Farce of the Penguins was suprisingly good
Reasonable Doubt: I’M FREEZING MY NUTS OFF

9:28 PM EDT Update:

Raskolnikov: who designed this injury system, Belichick?
Raskolnikov: Emrick’s nuts get squeezed when things get tense
Weed Against Speed: Wouldn’t you think that chick would fix her hair a little bit before she went out in that Captain Morgan commercial?
Raskolnikov: what they don’t show you
Reasonable Doubt: Limiting Avery to ten minutes in a game of this magnificitude is astonishing
Raskolnikov: is the man she just fucked before the phone call
Weed Against Speed: Word to the wise: Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper is not bad. We called it a “Schtick and Schliff”.
Raskolnikov: you won’t have a little captain in you for long
Hextall: I had no idea military and medical personnel got along well.
Raskolnikov: until it comes back up the hatch
Weed Against Speed: Or the other way. The main ingredient in Dr. Pepper is prunes.
Raskolnikov: I thought it was raspberries
Hextall: actually, it’s people
Raskolnikov: no wonder it’s so delicious
Weed Against Speed: Well, there are prunes in it as well. You may be right.
Raskolnikov: I love eating stupid people
Reasonable Doubt: So does Nick Lachey
Raskolnikov: not eating out
Weed Against Speed: “Cannabilism: not just for Mormons anymore”.
Raskolnikov: and he feeds stupid people
Reasonable Doubt: Throat Babies
Reasonable Doubt: “He loves to shoot from the deep slot”

9:34 PM EDT Update:

Weed Against Speed: Usually, you pay extra for that.
Reasonable Doubt: At least, Scott Gomez does
Raskolnikov: this game is more important than other games! 3 points!
Reasonable Doubt: 34 seconds from OT
Raskolnikov: guhhhhh
Weed Against Speed: Perhaps there will even be a skills competition. Sweet!
Reasonable Doubt: Overrrrtiiiiime
Raskolnikov: game over, 1 point each
Raskolnikov: stupid NHL
Weed Against Speed: Not as good as Ovie-time, that’s for sure.

9:41 PM EDT Update:
Raskolnikov: that well is empty
Weed Against Speed: I can see that.
Reasonable Doubt: No way. You have to beat the dead horse into dust. Like me.
Reasonable Doubt: I’ve ridden the wave of a dying corpse to more attention than the Schaivo Family
Raskolnikov: don’t you remember Crime and Punishment? Raskolnikov cries about a horse being beaten to death in a dream
Reasonable Doubt: The only reason I make that joke is the anniversary of her death is coming up, so the media is descending on the town again
Raskolnikov: any Panthers cheerleaders?
Reasonable Doubt: Unfortunately, no.
Reasonable Doubt: We have entirely different sets of slack-jawed junk sluts to concern ourselves with these days.
Reasonable Doubt: It’s Spring Break, after all.
Raskolnikov: give ’em some Captain and Dr. Pepper
Weed Against Speed: Isn’t it Semyon who beats the horse?
Hextall: GOAL
Reasonable Doubt: GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weed Against Speed: GAME OVER
Weed Against Speed: BUH-BYE.
Raskolnikov: triple screen, but only two screeners
Raskolnikov: more Captain Clutch garbage
Reasonable Doubt: Fuck–now the Rangers may not be able to play the Hurricanes in Round 1
Raskolnikov: he doesn’t mix well with pop/soda
Hextall: Damn Rangers
Reasonable Doubt: Western Conference Double Header tomorrow.
Reasonable Doubt: As the cool kids say….w00t
Weed Against Speed: Schweet!
Reasonable Doubt: If blood is not shed during the Lanche/Nucks game, I will be sad.

And that’ll do it for us. Good night, everybody!



  1. And I have no Versus. Sad panda.

  2. I will testify to the deliciousness that is Dr Pepper and Morgan.

    You know what the main ingredient to Dr Pepper is? Awesomeness.

  3. dr/ Pepper and morgan…I’ll have to try it. Is it spiced or dark morgan?

  4. Drurrrrrryyyyy, come back to Bufffalllllloooooo.


  5. @domi: I have used dark. Coconut also mixes well.

  6. The Boogey Man is Up Front on OTR today.

  7. Somwhere in there a hockey game just happened. Still highly entertaining. Fuck the Rangers.

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