Never trust a cock knocker with your cell phone

I should have fucking known better.

Yanno what, Scott Gomez? You’re going to have to be fucking sterilized or castrated or some other shit. Because you can’t keep your cock in your pants, I have to get my name dragged through the mud. Your mother should have bit your cock off when she was blowing you for all those years. It would have saved us all some headaches. Just because you didn’t want to get caught cheating on your bridge-and-tunnel Jersey Dyke of a wife, I get my name put in the papers. I fucking told you to *67 everyone you call on my cell, asshole. Now look! Here! and here! and here! Okay, the picture on that last one is kind of funny.

But either way, my name now gets associated with the fuckheads who get the cheap whores. If I would ever get a hooker, it would definitely be one of those seven diamond porn star whores who douche with pearls doused with Summer’s Eve or some shit. It certainly wouldn’t be that three-diamond fugnut that Spitzer fucked. With a name like that, you know she didn’t fucking swallow for him. Hell, she wouldn’t even ride bareback with him. If I’m going to drop a couple grand on a fucktoy, she better do every fucking thing I want, including putting on a poodle skirt and doing the Hand Jive while I run laps at Thunder Road singing “Greased Lightning”.

This isn’t what I fucking needed, Morticia, you fucking herpes muncher. We’re in a playoff run, I’m in my contract year, and I’m not going to let you fuck this up. Now get out there, admit that you’ve got a dick pickled from the STDs of your fourth-rate whores, wipe the yeast infection from your lips, and let’s go crucify that DSL-having fuckstick they call Hockey Jesus. CRU-CI-FY HIM! CRU-CI-FY HIM!

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7 Comments

  1. I never knew Avery was one for Grease. I bet Kinicki was his fave.

  2. @ wraparoundcurl: Maybe the Adrian Zmed character from Grease 2

  3. I always imagined Sean Avery would be a bigger fan of Guys and Dolls, or maybe Rocky Horror Picture show. OH GOD MY BRAIN (just imagined avery singing Sweet Transvestite in the full get up)

  4. *mental note for Halloween next year*

    Thanks!

  5. Irrelevant but hilarious sidenote: Kinicki once pulled a knife on the Gallagher brothers at a Marilyn Manson concert.

  6. I love that we’re actually seeing mileage from the “I Look at Women Who Don’t Give Head Like a Damn Betamax” tag.

  7. @Domi: Maybe Avery was paying this broad to re-enact Rocky Horror with him. THe two would sing Toucha Toucha Touch Me. With the role of Janet being played by Sean.


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