The Playoffs According to Biff

 

Pierre McGuire: Chemistry with Hossa getting better?

Sidney Crosby: It’s gettin’ there. I mean, uh, it’s gonna take a couple games but he’s a great player and I think we’re gonna create our chances.

Pierre: How’s the ankle feel?

Sid: Real good. I had some trouble the first time I came back, but it’s really felt good the last little while.

Pierre: You’re in first place in the Eastern Division. Is it important for you to maintain that position?

Sidney Crosby: We …

Biff: Excuse me, Sid. I’ll be fielding all the questions now. No offense, but all of the transforming Molson Ice into Iron City leaves you blander than Ryan Getzlaf.

Pierre: Excuse me, but, who are you?

Biff: I’m Sid’s best friend, Biff. The real Great One, not that false prophet Gretzky, is slightly fatigued after dismantling this group of supposed cockknockers and Magdalene attracters. He’s not at 100% sarcasm right now, but I am, thanks to all the beer and nachos that Troy Loney bought for me. So, Monsieur BilleBlanche, what was the question?

Pierre: Um, how big is it to be in first place in the …

Biff: It sucks.

Sid: Biff, not again …

Biff: Sid, shut the fuck up unless I tell you to speak. You see why you’re lips don’t move in commercials? Sorry, Pierre. We can’t all be perfect.

Anyway, being in first place sucks. There’s nowhere else to go but down. Horrible GM’s think you’re overrated, numbnuts in the media find peccadilloes in every action, and pasty people make Gary Roberts their fucking savior. Do you see a church dedicated to John the Baptist? NOOOOOO.

First place would be worse than having John Ferguson Jr. as your GM, if it weren’t for the home-ice advantage throughout the playoffs and the opportunity to play the weakest seed in every postseason round. C’mon Egghead Jr., gimme something tougher.

Pierre: Does Michel Therrien rest you …

Biff: Ahem.

Pierre: *Sigh* Does Michel Therrien rest Sid before the playoffs or does he play right ‘til the end?

Biff: Playing Sid would give the Penguins a better chance to own the top seed in playoffs, don’t you think, Pierre? ‘But didn’t the Penguins have a great record without Sidney Crosby’, you say? 17-8-4? What if Sid played in those games? Does his lack of grit and checking line talent prevent the Penguins from winning?

Since first place is good and you are dumb, Therrien should play Sid.

Pierre: Sid, what were the Rangers saying to you after it appeared as if you exaggerated the Gomez high stick?

Biff: Mt. Baldy, please direct the questions to me! The Rangers are complaining about another team’s exaggeration? Next question.

Pierre: Marc-Andre Fleury looks like he’s established himself as a starting goaltender. Is Sid comfortable with that?

Biff: You know how some grapes grow best in shitty conditions? If you give pinot noir some fertile soil, plenty of sun, some rain, and thousands of drunk dials, the grape becomes flabby, unmemorable, and Daiglean. Marc-Andre Fleury would make horrible pinot noir. Thankfully, Sid isn’t a fucking fruit. He’s a hockey player.

One question for you, Master Billy Quizboy! What was the point of these questions?

Pierre: To let people know Sid’s feelings and thoughts about the game!

Biff: His feelings and thoughts? Here’s Sid’s thoughts in a game: “Pussy. Pussy. Please, pussy.” Athletes don’t think, Petey! They act! It’s a habit to them. That’s the answer to any and all sideline reporter questions. NBC, I’ve just saved you hundreds of thousands of dollars. Would you like me to dispose of this dumbass?

Breaks Iron City bottle over Pierre’s head. Pierre falls on the ice.

Mike Lange: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE beat him like a rented mule!

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1 Comment

  1. Breaks Iron City bottle over Pierre’s head. Pierre falls on the ice.

    Please, somebody. Make this actually happen.


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