If you can’t take a hit, take a shower.

I was stuck watching the Rangers and Penguins through the magic of a Slingbox last night, due to my travels and travails across the Globe. Sitting in my room, staring at the fuzzy screen, thousands of miles from Madison Square Garden, I was screaming in unintelligible jibberish previously only known to Buzz Bissinger. Why?

BECAUSE THE FUCKING RANGERS CAN’T TAKE BEING HIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Holy shit.

According to ESPN, Sean Avery was taken to the hospital unconscious and in cardiac arrest with a lacerated spleen this morning at approximately 3 AM.

We had a Rangers haterade post set to go this afternoon, but we’ll be pushing that back until we get word on Avery’s condition. Updates as we get them.

**12:25 PM EDT Update: Per the Rangers, Avery has regained consciousness and is expected to make a full recovery, but will not play again in the playoffs this year.

**12:33 PM EDT Update: Newsday is calling it a ruptured spleen and contradicting the cardiac arrest reports. The Rangers confirm to Newsday that it was a lacerated spleen.

**12:37 PM EDT Update: The Toronto Sun reports that they spoke with Avery’s mother, who confirmed a lacerated spleen, but it had not ruptured. She also says it happened sometime in the first period, and Avery played with pain through the rest of the game.

**12:41 PM EDT Update: The Rangers confirm that it is a lacerated spleen and he’s done for the year.

**12:50 PM EDT Update: Okay, he’s alive, reasonably well, and will be back next year. Thanks for bearing with us while we treated this like the Normandy Invasion. Bottom line is, this guy went through the better part of a full game with a lacerated spleen. Suck on THAT, Hockey Jesus.

The regularly scheduled Rangers haterade will commence this afternoon.

Hey Peter Forsberg, Why Don’t You Go Ahead And Go Back To Sweden? No One Here Wants You Around Anymore

Last night, Big Floppa received a double minor for high-sticking when he smashed his stick into Mikael Samuelsson’s grill, knocking out a tooth of the Detroit winger. Here’s the play.

Certainly not a terribly reckless act by Forsberg, but it was worthy of a penalty being called. The infuriating aspect is what Big Floppa said after the game regarding the incident.

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Escape from Hockeytown

In light of the comments made regarding my comrade Hextall454’s post yesterday, in which he recounted his experience obtaining a ticket to the Red Wings/Avalanche game last Saturday, I felt it was time to bust out another edition of MYFO’s Classic Movie Adaptations. This time, a take on the classic 1981 John Carpenter film, Escape from New York. So grab a tub of popcorn, slap on an eyepatch and enjoy Part One of Escape from Hockeytown.

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The New Mayor of Hockeytown

It shouldn’t have been that easy.

As I alluded to on Deadspin last week, I’m up here in Michigan for two long weeks of business training.  Detroit?  What a great time to be in Detroit.  Two teams are highly-seeded playoff squads, the Tigers recently remembered that they play baseball for a living, and it’s time for Matt Millen’s Annual Draftastic Nightmare.  You have to be proud, Michigan.

As I sat in my hotel room, waiting for the final seconds of the Calgary-San Jose Game 7 last Tuesday night, I got a crazy idea.  One thing was for sure – the Red Wings would be hosting Games 1 and 2 of their 2nd round series.  And once the merciless clock runs out on the Flames (and the decomposing CuJo), those games’ details would be released by the league.  Since I had nothing going on for the weekend, how hard would it be to get a seat in Joe Louis Arena?

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The NHL Employs Only the Best and Brightest

Of course, everyone reading this already knows that if you miss some playoff action, the best place to go in the morning to get informed is the NHL Closer on Deadspin, written by yours trulies. Pity the poor ignorant saps out there who get their playoff coverage from NHL.com. They are treated to gems like this recap of Game 1 of the Rangers/Penguins series.

“Putting Pucks on Net Pays Off.” That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Subsequent recaps to include titles such as “Allowing Many Goals Not Advisable” and “Committing Penalties Leaves Team a Man Short.” I know, it’s only a stupid recap on NHL.com, and only a moron would get their hockey coverage from such a suspect source in the first place. But morons are people, too. And they’re not going to get any smarterer if people keep talking down to them.

I have some complaints

You flightless tuxedo-wearing birds. I saw March of the Penguins. It sucked. Farce of the Penguins was only cool because Lewis Black and Bob Saget are fucking gods among mortals.

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