Red Wings Clinch President’s Trophy, First Round Embarrassment

It’s time to play Ask Dr. Doubt! With your host, Dr. Doubt!

Oh! Hello there!

Dr. Doubt, here’s a letter from Robbie from Grand Rapids, Michigan, and he asks, “Dear Dr. Doubt, now that the Red Wings have clinched the President’s Trophy, does that mean they’ll win the Stanley Cup?”

Well, that’s an excellent question, Robbie! I’d better put on my patented Suckitron Helmet!

Get ready to activate!

Well, the answer’s simple, really. No, they won’t win the Stanley Cup. Why? Because the Red Wings suck. They have sucked. They will suck. They’re choke artists. They’re going to get blasted out of the first round by goddamn Hamilton, Ontario, Predators. Why? Simple, Robbie…history!

Since the 1988-89 season, the Red Wings have won their division 13 times. They’ve won a grand total of three Stanley Cups during that run. One was against the Flyers. The mid-90s Flyers. One was against the Capitals, the ones lead by Jon Juneau. And on was against the Hurricanes. Yes. The Hurricanes.

What about the other ten seasons, you ask? In five of them, they didn’t make it out of the first round. That’s right, when they were a top seed (most notable the years they got ass-raped by the Sharks in 94 and the Ducks in 03, respectively), in half the seasons they didn’t win the Cup, they got beat by a lowly suck-ass expansion team.

Since 1989, they’ve gotten bitchslapped in the first round seven times. SEVEN.

So, Robbie, not only will your Red Wings not win the Stanley Cup, they’re going to get fucked up the ass by a team that this time last year, didn’t know what country they’d be playing home games in!

Thank you, Dr. Doubt.

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3 Comments

  1. the suckitron helmet is teh awesome

  2. I want one

  3. How about the Predators? They’ve NEVER made it out of the first round but nobody talks abou that. They’ve NEVER won a road playoff game. When a team is consistently on top of the standings from year to year like the Wings, they’re put under more scrutiny and have a greater responsibility to perform. Did you expect them to win 17 stanley cups in a row? …that’s their current streak of consecutive playoff appearances, the longest in all of north american pro sports. Oh, and you forgot to mention that those first two stanley cups you listed were SWEEPS, and they lost ONE GAME to Carolina. This all adds up to sucking in your mind? And what team is it that you follow, may I ask? I’m sorry if I didn’t use enough gratuitous cursing for your tastes…


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