See You on the Fairway: Central Edition

A well manicured fairway

Contrary to popular belief, not everybody in the NHL makes the playoffs. Try as they may, 14 teams ended their hockey-related obligations this weekend after a long, hard year of sucktitude. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

LeNoceur has the Central Division’s tee times.

THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

What Happened?

The Hawks are currently working with Mayor Daley to permanently erase the month of January from all official records in the city of Chicago. Here’s the Hawks’ record, month-by-month:

October: 6-6-0
November: 8-3-2
December: 5-6-1
January: 4-9-1
February: 7-4-2
March/April: 10-6-2

The Hawks ended their season with a bang, but that January was like drinking a ton of cheap tequila. You don’t remember everything that happened before you blacked out, but judging from the cigarette burns on your arms and the large police officer standing over you and your pool of bloody vomit, it’s going to be difficult to recover from quickly. They rang in the New Year with a blowout 9-2 loss to the craptacular Kings, and scored 2 or fewer goals in 9 of the 14 games (leading to a crippling 8-game losing streak). Two of their wins were in shootouts to Colorado and Nashville, giving away precious points to their playoff competition. Another game they’d like to have back: an ugly 1-0 shutout loss at home to the Blue Jackets on Jan. 24.

Their Year in MYFO

Jonathan Toews embarked on a quest. Their evil owner died. Their coach pulled a cowardly thug move, and then asked his team for a serious commitment. We all wondered how to pronounce “Byfuglien.” A metal legend wrote them a cheesy theme song.

The Silver Lining

Patrick Kane. Jonathan Toews. Patrick Sharp. Dustin Byfuglien. The Blackhawks are going to be playoff contenders, next season. Damn them. They could use a little boost in the goaltending department–Nikolai Khabibulin is on the wrong side of 35, and Patrick Lalime is, in generous lighting, barely competent as a backup. If Khabibulin strains a hip flexor or tweaks a knee, you’d like someone a little more confidence-inspiring to carry the team for a couple of weeks.

THE COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS

What Happened?

The same thing that always happens in Columbus: Not a goddamn thing. The Blue Jackets kept alive the franchise’s perfect record of non-playoff appearances. Columbus joined the league in 2000, the same year as the Wild. Where the Wild are perennial playoff contenders (with a Western Conference Finals appearance to boot), the Jackets are just perennial doormats. It was a sign of things to come when they made Rick Tabaracci their first selection in the 2000 expansion draft, and followed that up with clever picks like Mathieu Schneider, a pending free agent who inexplicably decided to sign with the Kings instead. Shocker! Dwayne Roloson, sensing doom, signed with an AHL team rather than suit up for Columbus. You know, perhaps making two prominent ex-Whalers (Kevin Dineen and Geoff Sanderson) the face of your brand-new franchise wasn’t the way to go after all. And Columbus is still paying for it.

Their Year in MYFO

They invited us to check out their wieners. Jody Shelley got some love, albeit for being traded out of Columbus. Pascal LeClaire won a Douche War. Craig Weller beat up their whole damn team.

The Silver Lining

Pascal LeClaire emerged not only as a giant douche, but as an insane shutout-hurling goaltender. Unfortunately, he’ll have to be, because the only other silver lining the Jackets possess is Rick Nash, who possesses approximately 93 percent of their total offensive skill. On the plus side, they just signed an up-and coming draft pick by the name of “Clitsome.” So at least we at MYFO will have fresh joke material.

THE ST. LOUIS BLUES

What Happened?

If you’re still reading, congratulations. It’s bile time. The Blues pissed away what started out as a promising season through a combination of 1) Paul Kariya’s career appearing on a Very Special Episode of “Without a Trace,” although even a brief Poppy Montgomery nude scene didn’t make the episode worth watching; 2) Amazingly, comically, nauseatingly bad backup goaltending (Fuck you very much, Hannu Toivonen); 3) The coach’s inexplicable, unrequited love for Eric “Minus 18” Brewer; 4) The coach’s weird, paranoiac fear and loathing for skilled young French Canadians (OK, just one of them); 5) A power play that started off bad and got worse as the season regressed. Astonishingly, it took until well after the halfway point of the season for the Blues to employ more than one setup on the PP, long after it was an open secret around the league that you only had to defend one passing lane against them. This season was worse, as a Blues fan, than the previous two where they also mostly sucked and failed to make the playoffs, because of the early-season teasing. I’ve got massive Blues-balls. And I’m all out of lube.

Their Year in MYFO

I obsessed over and over about David Perron. Doug Weight tried to win back my love, but then we had to say goodbye forever. The team tried to give away beer, and thought better of it. They launched a half-assed free tacos promotion. They made Brewer Captain, to fans’ dismay. They briefly signed Tiger Woods as a backup goalie.

The Silver Lining

Hey, they traded for Cam Janssen! Did you know he was from St. Louis? Keith Tkachuk scored his 500th goal, earning him congratulations in balloon form from his children! The Blues lead the league in defensemen with a “W” in their names, thanks to Brewer, Matt Walker, Steve Wagner and Jeff “Double-Dubya” Woywitka.

Stick-tap to golfpunkonline.com for the gorgeous Anna Rawson pic.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. ask me about my wienerrrrr!

  2. Poppy Petal Emma Elizabeth Deveraux Donahue Montgomery. WTF?


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s