See You on the Fairway: Southeast Edition

Contrary to popular belief, not everybody in the NHL makes the playoffs. Try as they may, 14 teams ended their hockey-related obligations this weekend after a long, hard year of sucktitude. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course starting today.

Next up, Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price with the Southeast tee times.

Carolina Hurricanes

What happened?: Quite simply, they choked. They had their last eight games against teams within the division, which contained the worst team in hockey. They could only win half of the games, and lost both games they played against the eventual division winners, the Capitals. They were no match for Ovie Time. Would it have been better for their season if Rod Brind’Amour hadn’t blown out his ACL a few months ago? Maybe. That injury helped Eric Staal step up, who is now on 256 consecutive games played.

Their Year in MYFO: We learned that referees are biased against Americans, and the Hurricanes’ online fans are both rabid and stupid. We learned that the Hurricanes Mascot, Stormy, likes ice cream. So much, in fact, he likes to dip his balls in it. Eric Staal’s bachelor party netted multiple felonies and arrests and it also netted MYFO’s most viewed post in its history. Don’t ask me why. It nets hundreds of views a day. If someone can tell me why, please do so. We’re stumped here. The Canes had their goalie’s wife editing the ESPN Gamecenter for a while. And the Staal Brothers legend was born.

The Silver Lining: Brind’Amour is back next year, Staal is a stud, and you just barely missed out this year. You’ll be back at the top of the heap in no time.

The Florida Panthers:

What Happened?: Yanno what? When one of your key players almost gets decapitated on the ice, you get a free pass for the year. If Zednick’s injury didn’t define this team’s season, I don’t know what did. The Panthers had one long winning streak to begin the season and end the season, but in the middle, everything was lackluster.

Their Year in MYFO: We reflected on how the Panthers got jacked in that Luongo–is that Steven Keaton? Wow…Hextall can predict the future. Okay, yanno what? I’ve got nothing.

The Silver Lining: Zednik didn’t die. Isn’t that enough for you guys? Oh well. Um…Craig Anderson’s not that bad.

Tampa Bay Lightning:

What Happened?: The goalie situation sucked! That’s what happened! This team was so goddamned inconsistent. Holmqvist looked like an epileptic guinea pig. Every time a puck came near him, he jumped.

Their year in MYFO: I made numerous bad jokes about the new owner being a producer of the Saw Series. The Lightning get to go overseas to play what will likely be the Avery-less Rangers to open the season next year. And of course, Don Boyle rules.

The Silver Lining: With a new goalie, and now Stamkos joining the team, hopefully things will settle down. The new guys certainly gave the team a boost, and with the unfortunate departure of Brad Richards, this albino mother fucker (more on him later) they’re about to draft may be what they need. And hey, they could always give me the present of signing King Cock Knocker. I’ll be set for articles for life then.

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8 Comments

  1. “epileptic guinea pig” RD, you’re great

  2. The Staal post?

    Hey, half-hearted Fugitive parodies that make a Dykhuis joke are my bread and butter.

  3. the Staal Post? creepy children of the corn trying to shoot lasers out of the computer and into my brain scares the hell out of me. Oh wait, the One armed man one? yeah, that was awesome

  4. What, the Atlanta Thrashers don’t even rate being made fun of?

  5. Atlanta has a hockey team now?

  6. I am torn on this… As an Atlanta Thrashers fan it hurts to not see a write up done about them… Yet as a Thrashers fan it’s nice to not be the whipping boys for once.

  7. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure to rip Atlanta into shreds in the Supplemental See Your On The Fairway.

  8. thank you ever so much, you are too kind


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