The NHL Draft Lottery Happened (And this guy is a douche)

Since How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory got bumped for the NCAA Tournament Final, I decided to sit down and watch the NHL Draft Lottery. All for you schmuck-os. After the jump, my running diary of the Lottery as it happens.

  • So, wait, because some fucker from Peterborough is smart and scores a couple goals, I’m supposed to be glued to my TV to see who sucked the worst and gets first crack at him? Awesome.
  • Now only the five suckiest teams get a shot at this Stamkos guy. Wait…the Lightning sucked! They get a shot at him! Yay!!
  • Oh, nifty. One of the defensemen that’s projected as a Top 5 Pick is in the hospital right now with mono. This is what happens when you kiss random Puck Bunnies. Ask Tyler Kennedy about that.
  • Wait…did this guy just call the rookie in Chicago “Pat ‘Shugga’ Kane”???
  • So each team sent a “goodwill ambassador” to the lottery. The Lightning sent Dave Andreychuk. This poor bastard got thrown out on his ass after he sacrificed life and limb for the team to win the Cup a few years back. I feel bad for him pretending to be happy to sit at a table waiting for ping pong balls to pop out of a machine.
  • This show is presented by Scotiabank and Molson’s. No American sponsors wanted to step up for this? Seriously?
  • Holy shit–this Stamkos guy looks albino. What the fuck is with his skin?
  • Seriously–he may need to come down here to Tampa. He needs a tan.
  • “The teams could have their balls fall their way”. Truer words have never been spoken.
  • The Number 5 pick in the draft goes to…the Islanders. Sucks for you, mother fuckers.
  • The Number 4….the Blues. The Blues just got themselves a hell of a defenseman, no matter how things fall.
  • Number 3 is the Atlanta Thrashers.
  • Number…um…1…goes to….the Tampa Bay Lightning. Fuck yeah, cock knockers. Pack your bags, you albino mother fucker. You’re coming to the Bay.
  • Now…can we trade this jackbag for a decent goalie?
  • Not only is this guy albino…but he wears his yellow (!!) hair as a shark fin. It’s not that it’s a fauxhawk. He has plenty of hair to wear it normally. I christen thee the “Douchark Fin.”

Oh well. Until June 20th, folks…hopefully I’ll learn to tolerate this ass.

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4 Comments

  1. he wears his yellow (!!) hair as a shark fin. It’s not that it’s a fauxhawk. He has plenty of hair to wear it normally.

    Maybe that’s just bedhead since his mom didn’t wake him up in time to catch the bus, like this guy here: http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=Matt_Stajan

  2. “Pack your bags, you albino mother fucker. You’re coming to the Bay.”

    Steve is less than excited. He’s been to the Bay, all they sell are these gay fucking bedsheets that his mom won’t shut up about every time she drags him out shopping.

  3. Either way, I’m already advocating trading him to the San Jose Douchearks.

  4. But do any of those defensemen have a W anywhere in their names? Cause if not, the Blues aren’t interested.


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