MYFO Random Thoughts Preview: Sharks/Flames

My fellow MYFO comrades will provide great subjective and/or objective analysis of the other six playoff series. That’s not my modus operandi. Instead, I’ll provide three things that I want to take place in each series.

1. Mike Keenan attempts to recreate the Todd Bertuzzi / Steve Moore attack on Dion Phaneuf.

This event would likely take place behind closed doors, but Iron Mike is a bucking bronc, with electrodes perpetually delivering 150 volts to his balls. If the Flames get down early, expect Keenan to jump over the bench and jump Phaneuf in a Crawford-ordered fashion. However, don’t expect the coach to inflict a lot of damage. He’ll cling to the giant’s back in a caveman’s wife fashion, flinging his fists at Phaneuf’s head while shouting disparaging remarks about Dion’s inability to bear children and stop goals. Phaneuf will respond by dropping his stick, pulling Keenan over his shoulders into a standing 69 position, then drop to his knees. Rest in peace, Mike.

2. Joe Thornton gets the May cover of King Magazine.

He’s called “Jumbo Joe” for a reason: that giant badonkadonk. Boston took one look at Thornton’s apple bottom and the city’s latent obvious racism shipped his butt to San Jose for three pancake asses. All of the work Joe does along the boards sets up the lede: “Joe Thornton’s Behind the Net”. The accompanying article will provide an exercise and diet regimen to get a booty that won’t quit. 5 sets of squats, 4 sets of leg curls, 4 sets of leg extensions, one pack of Double Stuf Oreos.

3. Evgeni Nabokov pens Lolita 2: Nymphomaniacal Zombie.

With most of the action occurring in the Calgary zone, Nabokov tires of looking for suburban housewives with inflated chests in the bottom bowl. He starts his chef d’oeuvre during the skirmish mentioned above. In the sequel, the gender roles are reversed, with Lolita searching for quick love among prepubescent boys in the American Northwest. Most eighth graders are discouraged by a woman with a vagina colder than Patrick Marleau, but Dolly is popular among the goth subculture. Nabokov’s interest in completing this work before the end of the second round is the only reason this series lasts 5 games.

Update: This trailer was cut by Nabokov’s editor. Sartre is not pronounced “SAR-tra”, just “SARTR”.



  1. If there is going to be a zombie porn tag the trailer for Zombie Strippers needs to be included, I think.

  2. The novel’s getting an extension.

  3. mmmmm double stuf oreos…

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