MYFO’s Completely Impartial Playoff Preview: Wild VERSUS Avalanche

As we enter the mystical time of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs, MYFO felt it was necessary to take an open-minded look at the matchups in the Quarterfinals and provide our dear readers with an even-handed preview of each series.

Next up is Weed Against Speed with his preview of the Wild/Avalanche series, which kicks off tonight at the Xcel Energy Center in Saint Paul.

“LET’S…PLAY…HOCKEY!!!”

Before every home game, in a somewhat hackneyed auditory display of groupthink, the Wild bring in a local celebrity to fire up the Team of 18,000 and lead them in a recitation of the above phrase. This is supposed to inspire the Wild to play a passionate game and conquer their obviously inferior opponents. Well, given the situation they are in heading into their series against the Avalanche, the Wild are going to need it.

So, without further ado, let’s…break…down…this…series!!!

KEY STAT:

  • When they score first, the Wild are 36-4-5 and when the Avalanche score first, they are 30-4-3.

MAIN STORY FOR EACH TEAM HEADING IN:

For The Wild:

  • Lack of depth at the blue line: between Kurtis Foster’s broken femur and Nick Schultz’s appendectomy earlier this week, the Wild will be short at a position they were already dreadfully thin in the first place.

For The Avalanche:

  • Foppa Foppa Foppa (say it like Fozzie Bear – it’s fun!): it appears Peter the Great is in top form just in time. Forsberg has come on strong as of late, and given the Wild’s depleted defensive corps, is in a great position to have himself a huge series.

PUBLIC ENEMY #1:

For The Wild:

  • Ian Laperriere: after taking a run at Gaborik in the third period in the season finale on Sunday and ultimately getting in a bit of a scrum with the Wild Captain, Laperriere has turned into a total pussy. Here is how it played out:

Boogaard said: “Obviously I’m going to be playing in the first game. We’ll see if somebody has a problem then.”

Laperriere replied: “I won’t fight Boogaard. He knows that. The guy’s 6-7, 270. I don’t want anything to do with that But if he wants to take penalties on me and chase me all night, be my guest. We’ll be on the power play and we’ll win games like that.”

It seems Laperriere is nothing more than a total candy ass who will only mix it up with smaller skill players but will run and hide if challenged. Fucking pussy. Methinks he will get his at some point in the series.

For The Avalanche:

  • Derek BOOOGAAARD!!!: see above. Enough said.

THINGS PLAYERS AND FANS FOR EACH TEAM HATE:

For The Wild:

  • Terrorists
  • Racism, sexism and all other manifestations of bigotry
  • Inconsiderate drivers
  • American Idol
  • Gary Bettman

For The Avalanche:

  • Democracy
  • “Immigrants, women who don’t know their place, homos, cripples and colored people”
  • Infants and puppy dogs
  • Arrested Development
  • Canada

ALBUMS HEARD IN EACH LOCKER ROOM BEFORE THE GAME TO PUMP EVERYONE UP:

For The Wild:

For The Avalanche:

WHAT EACH TEAM WILL DO IF THEY LOSE THIS SERIES:

For The Wild:

  • congratulate each other on a good season
  • organize charity golf tournaments
  • visit sick children in hospitals

For The Avalanche:

  • stock up on roofies and condoms and hit the Denver nightclubs
  • organize international cock fighting league
  • collectively write a book about rampant steroid use on the Minnesota Wild

PLAYER QUOTE:

For The Wild:

  • Brent Burns, regarding tonight’s game:  “I expect the emotions to be crazy. I expect after every scrum blood and sweat going everywhere. I can’t wait for it.”

Now, that’s what you like to hear.

For The Avalanche:

  • Ian Laperriere, about Peter Forsberg’s foot problems: “I’ve been working on my foot massage technique.” 

Hoo boy.

PREDICTIONS:

Mike Russo, Wild beat writer from the Minneapolis Star Tribune: Avalanche in 6 – see, even those who cover the Minnesota Wild can maintain a pragmatic viewpoint.

Woody Paige, columnist for the Denver Post and sexual deviant: Avalanche in 6 – what a fucking homer.

Weed Against Speed, editor for Melt Your Face Off and an all-around happening dude: Wild in 7. Nothing beats home cooking!

No, that doesn’t make me a homer. You should have seen all the game film I broke down!

I also simulated the series on EA Sports NHL 2K8 on my XBox 360. As the Wild, I won the series in 7 against one of my neighbors. So what if he had Parkinson’s? The guy could play. It should be said that his play was a little shaky on special teams.  

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5 Comments

  1. You missed a Minnesota song.

  2. Rask, as hard as it is to say, as far as this series is concerned, you are probably spot-on.

  3. And what will Mark Parrish listen to?

  4. Lappy’s nose tells a different story of him being afraid to fight bigger guys. That thing is crookeder than a politician.

    /cue turn of the century vaudville music

  5. You left off the part where the Wild listens to Rascal Flatts.


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