Denver Post Columnist Extremely Bitter; Probably Listens To My Chemical Romance

In the Denver Post this morning, journalist extraordinaire Mark Kiszla, obviously heartbroken by the Avalanche’s 3-2 overtime loss last night, wrote a scathing commentary on how the Minnesota Wild are ruining life as we know it on this planet. The title of the column is “Ugly Betty Hockey in Colorado’s Future”.

What’s the title of your next column going to be, Mark? I have one for you.  Given that every game in this series has gone to overtime, you could go with “All These Late Games Are Creating Some Desperate Housewives”.

Better yet, at some point, perhaps Colorado will be fortunate enough to take on Dallas in a playoff series and you can go with “The Avalanche Are Going To Be Dancing With The Stars”.

But it gets worse. So much worse.

Never afraid of hyperbole, Kiszla had this to say about the Wild:

Anywhere the Wild goes, flowers wilt, the sky turns gray and beauty dies.

Wow. I bet he wrote that line in eyeliner in his journal once, but instead of “the Wild” it was “Abigail”. She never understood his pain and how he wanted to share it with her.

He goes on to write this about Wild head coach Jacques Lemaire:

The never-surrender attitude of his team must be born in the cold recesses of Lemaire’s heart.

Wasn’t the phrase “cold recesses of my heart” a line from a Dashboard Confessional song? I’ll have to ask Danny Briere next time I talk to him.

Another quote from today’s article:

It figures. On a play that could have ended on an icing call, a weird, lucky bounce instead allowed the winning goal to be scored by Minnesota’s Pierre-Marc Bouchard almost 12 minutes deep into the extra period. The Wild likes overtime, because it gives these grunts more time to knock the spirit from you with every cheap shot.

Of course, Emo Mark. That makes sense. It couldn’t be the Wild want games to go to overtime, so, you know, they have a chance to win the game? Furthermore, the play didn’t end on an icing call because Jeff Finger misplayed it. Should Rolston have just said “Nah, take the puck, Jeffy. You earned it”? Oh, poor Emo Mark, you should know from your horrible experiences with women that things rarely play out the way they should. Unfortunate bounces happen. Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.

Emo Mark, I’m sorry to inform you that the jig is up. You wrote essentially the same article about the Wild almost exactly five years ago. D you remember? It was during the 2003 Stanley Cup playoffs, when, you guessed it, the upstart Wild took out your beloved Avalanche, ultimately coming back from three games down to take the series. Here’s a quote from an April 13, 2003 article by Emo Mark:

After watching the hideous Minnesota Wild for two games, you don’t know whether to spit or take a shower.

Minnesota, whose red-and-green uniforms must have been inspired by those gauche folks who leave up their Christmas lights all year, ranks No. 1 in the NHL in only one department. This has to be the worst dressed team in hockey.

Oooh…ugly uniforms? How dare he? This sort of hack writing belongs on message boards on fan sites, or possibly in satirical posts on this fine blog.

In comparison, what he wrote in today’s article:

Minnesota, the land of 10,000 dead car batteries, has an inferiority about this hockey team. The Wild’s style of play is as ugly and obnoxious as the uniforms, which look as if designed by a toddler who randomly pulled two crayons from the box of 64 and began scribbling.

Hey-ohhh!!

Emo Mark, I think the only reason the Post is keeping you on as a columnist is to make your colleague Woody Paige’s writing appear coherent and informed.

Perhaps, one day, a girl will come along; someone who will finally understand the real you. The person inside that screams out to be understood. In the meantime, Emo Mark, just stay away from bridges and observation decks. 

And lay off the eyeliner, dude. You’re getting far too old for that sort of shit.

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10 Comments

  1. Hey now, My Chem is awesome. He probably is more of a fan of Taking Back Sunday and Rocky Volato.

  2. My chemical romance sucks, and so does this guy. Ah, Journalism. Did you know he posted his phone number at the bottom of the column? Nah, I wouldn’t call him…I’ll be too busy yelling at Habs (who suck) fans (who all also suck) at the game tonight.

  3. He could borrow a line from MCR: “Because the Minnesota scare the living shit outta me”

  4. Hey weed against speed, did you notice the overtime goal was scored due to a misplayed icing by Colorodo? If they had been playing no-touch they wouldn’t have gotten that goal, Jacques Lemaire would have choked on his gum and died, and Boogaard would have been ass raped by Brian Engblom’s mullet.

  5. Yeah, I did notice that – that’s why I mentioned it, assbag.

    So, what you are implying is since I took the stance that no-touch icing should be used in the NHL, I cannot in good conscience ever discuss a play that involves icing?

    Those are some hard and fast rules you play by, boy.

  6. Calm down dude. I didn’t see where you mentioned it. Yes, you have my permission to discuss icings.

  7. Fair enough. Apologies. And thank you for your permission.

  8. I am going to game five, are you?

  9. Unfortunately, no. Enjoy the game.

  10. My Chem used to be cool in 2004 and 2005. Brierererererererere will agree if you ever ask him.

    Anyway, what a goon of a writer. He sounds like one of those really embarrassing mothers that freak out and screetch at a concert if someone brushes up against their kid.

    I say if a person can’t deal with the crowd, don’t go to the show… same goes for hockey. If you can’t deal with a physical game, then you don’t belong in the playoffs. The playoffs is a completely different world of hockey.

    The most talented team isn’t the team that wins — it’s the team that adapts, and does it the fastest.


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