Hey there, crossover fans of 1980s nostalgia and sports! Remember those wacky Garbage Pail Kids that used to be all the rage? The burgeoning hipster’s response to the tyranny of Cabbage Patch? Well, we here at MYFO and those zany characters over at Food Court Lunch sure do. Heck, when we were kids our dresser was a literal collage of GPK and baseball stickers. It was the only place one could find Wade Boggs next to Smelly Sally. Well, maybe not the only place. But for the most part, outside of the bedroom furniture and shoeboxes of pre-pubescent boys, Garbage Pail Kids and sports were wholly unrelated.
Or so we thought.
Turns out, the folks over at Garbage Pail Headquarters (which we both hope and assume is a building shaped like a large trash can) proved to be not only masters of delicious puns and booger-artistry, but sporting soothsayers as well. In some cases, their predictions were downright…eerie.
The guys over at Food Court Lunch have the lowdown for most sports. After the jump, we take on hockey.
Prepare to have your mind blown, not unlike this guy.
“Hairy Gary” Roberts
You can’t tell by looking at him in all of his gear, but the guy has more body hair than a Sasquatch. The cause of his groin injury he suffered last weekend turned out to be from all the hair on on each of his thighs getting tangled together during a morning skate. Gross. He also has a bizarre fetish for the erotic qualities of hair-pulling. Who knew?
“Totaled Todd” Bertuzzi
Not so much in regard to his ability to literally maneuver an automobile, but more of a metaphorical commentary on how he drove his once-stellar career right into the ground. Asshat.
“Dryin’ Ryan” Smyth
When Smyth, now with the Colorado Avalanche, got traded from the Edmonton Oilers to the New York Islanders last season, GM Garth Snow had to hang Smyth out on a clothesline between two tenements to dry out the tear-soaked pansy. Who among us will ever be able to forget this pathetic image?
“Marty” Turco “Gras”
Somehow, fellow editor Raskolnikov was all over this months ago. Frightening, on so many levels.
“Pegleg Peter” Forsberg
Every once in a while, everything slows down, the stars align in the heavens and all you can do is sit back, take it all in, and marvel at the majesty and wonder of it all.
“Sumo Sid” Crosby
You may laugh now, Crosby, but those Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese Extra Value Meals with an extra cheeseburger on the side are going to catch up with you. That or Hockey Jesus will go the Elvis route and grow increasingly complacent from his many accomplishments and go into a death spiral consisting of booze, pills, cheap women and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I volunteer to be Sidney Christ’s Colonel Tom.
And finally, a montage of Garbage Pail Kids cards devoted to one of our favorites here at MYFO:
“Stoned Sean” Avery
The “Stoned” could help explain his erratic behavior. Perhaps Martin Brodeur believes stone is the material from which Avery was carved, which made it that much easier for Sean to set-up camp in his crease the other night. The only thing missing is Stoned Sean holding a stick and a word balloon containing “cuntrag”.
“Shorned Sean” Avery
What Colin Campbell fantasizes doing to Avery when he is violently masturbating.
“Bloodshot Scott” Gomez
How Gomez will have to transport his eyes after Avery rips them out of that cock knocker’s ocular cavities and proceeds to piss in them. This way to the cafeteria!
** Many thanks to Garbage Pail Kids Archives for use of the images **