See You on the Fairway: Boston Edition

Not every team in the playoffs gets to hoist the Stanley Cup. Try as they may, 29 teams will end their hockey-related obligations without lifting the Holy Grail of Hockey. We here at MYFO encourage you to erase their substandard play from your collective memory, and join us in wishing them good luck on the golf course.

Next up, LeNoceur has the breakdown of what went wrong in Beantown. Now throw all the tea overboard, grab Tommy and Sully, squeeze into that Cam Neely sweater you’ve had since you were 11, and enjoy this wicked awesome eulogy.

What Happened?

One explanation: karmic payback for this act of stereotypical Boston fan Massholery. I just love tough guys who get in their licks after a man is already down. A more hockey-related explanation: the talent gap between Montreal and Boston was simply too great to overcome. Other than Marc Savard and the Amazing Zendo, the Bruins are simply devoid of players with elite skill. Milan Lucic might get there; other than that, they have a few pretty good players like Phil Kessel and Chuck Kobasew, and a bunch of Just Guys. Tim Thomas was a nice story, but he’s no one’s idea of a No. 1 playoff goalie, at least not in front of these stiffs. It’s called LeNoceur’s Theorem*: you can win with a mediocre goalie if you are loaded with world-class talent (see: Barasso, Tom; Vernon, Mike), or you can win with a team of Just Guys if you have an all-world goaltender (see: Brodeur, Martin). Journeyman goalie+Just Guys=First Round Exit.

Their Year in MYFO

VERSUS tried to pimp All-Star Chara, but misspelled his name. The Bruins did absolutely nothing at the trade deadline, which was right on par with their summer of inactivity. On the plus(?) side, we got to see naked statues of Bobby Orr and Derek Sanderson.

The Silver Lining

I hate to say it, but I don’t see much of one. GM Peter Chiarelli has justly earned the reputation of not only avoiding risky moves, but avoiding any moves whatsoever. Not only can he not pull the trigger, he has a Quaker-like aversion to firearms. So, Boston fans, you are stuck with this barely-good-enough-to-make-the-playoffs bunch for the forseeable future. Which you thoroughly deserve.

* May not actually be a theorem. Also, may not have been invented by LeNoceur.



  1. Hey fuck you LeNoceur, why do we “deserve” a mediocre team?

  2. @ zorkon: Why do you deserve a good one? Other than the bizarre Boston sense of sports entitlement that sprang spontaneously from the polluted water of Boston Harbor in the last five years. Also, click the first link, above.

  3. I’d like to hear what “moves” the author would have Chiarelli make, either last summer or at the trade deadline. Here’s a sampling of what Chiarelli could have done last year: got rid of Dave Lewis to allow him to star in “Weekend at Bernie’s 4: Back to Detroit”. Oh yeah, he did that, and he hired a coach whose strength is developing young talent. As a matter of fact, of the players that took the 1-seed to seven games, five of them could/should have been playing in the ‘A’ this year: Kessel, Lucic, Sobotka, Nokelinen, and Krejci. Oh, they should’ve traded Kessel and Lucic for Hossa at the deadline, when they knew that Murray’s salary would be gone and the cap would go up, and they’d have a good shot to sign Hossa in the offseason. I know. Completely idiotic. This team obviously is going nowhere.
    Wideman for Boyes: pretty bad trade.
    Hnidy for Bochenski: pretty good trade.
    Ward for Mara: pretty good trade.
    Primeau and Stuart for Kobasew and Ference: pretty good trade
    Metropolit: pretty good signing.
    I’d say Chiraelli knows what he’s doing.
    And please, don’t lump Bruins fans in with the rest of the Boston ‘sports entitlement scene’. They’re at Fenway and Gillette, not wearing Black and Gold.

  4. I actually agree with a great deal of this post, although I see both Lucic and Sobotka significantly elevating their levels of play next season. Also, Game 6 was the best motherfucking game of hockey I’ve ever watched. It made this entire season worth it (with the possible exception of that 10-2 loss to the Caps. Ugh).

    I still hate Jeremy Jacobs with a hatred that burns brighter and more powerfully than the sun.

  5. @LeNoceur: Yes, I was at that game. I heard about that incident, too, from a beer vendor who saw it happen. It’s pretty terrible and I’m glad he didn’t die. Indeed, I went to all but one of the canadiens @ bruins games this season, and for the most part people are pretty well behaved. Go ahead and paint a whole city with the actions of a couple of Jabronis. (It’s a technical term). Yeah, I know that the guy who peed on people during game 3 was 40 years old.

    The question is, did boston so richly deserve a mediocre team before you read one boston herald article? The herald is a lot like the new york post or any other tabloid you want – pretty trashy. I think that the people in the article should go to jail for what they did. I don’t think that their actions mean that everyone who managed to go to those games and act in a civilized manner deserves to have their hopes brought up and smashed year after year. The two are very different, and I’d appreciate not being lumped in with a couple assholes I didn’t see, don’t know, and only have anything to do with because we both like the bruins.

    I also hate Jeremy Jacobs. But I like the Bruins (and WIld.)

    As a side note, the one fight that I DID see during all three home games, I broke up. (and yes, game 6 was the best game of the bunch) There are decent people in Boston as well as the admittedly shitty ones. I would love to see the boys in black and gold hoist the cup sometime in the next, oh, 5-10 years if possible.

  6. In addition, I apologize for the initial “fuck you.” My team had just been thoroughly embarrassed by our long-time rivals, and I haven’t been quite the same since. I’m getting better, though, and if hockey jesus can prevail against that cocknocker avery, I’ll be a happy man.

  7. @ zorkon: understood. I’m still having lingering bitterness problems from the 2004 World Series, so all Boston sports teams are on my shit list, until further notice.

    And, would jabronis be prone to taking large objects, turning them sideways, and shoving them straight up their candy asses? Or is that too technical?

  8. Bahston is tha best fackin spahts city in the fackin’ world jackoffs!

  9. Wel wel wel, ain dis a elbow to de head. Firs I take it in de back from dat duck-walking Fly-her defhenseman. Den I miss de whole week of Bruhin play-HOFFS. Hand now dat LeNoceur, he don’t even mehntion me in de Zee You On De Fehrway. Quelle blague de putain de Dieu!

    I ham de best fohr-wherd on de team, out all de year, be back nex week ok… han nobodee even remember me! Je m’en fous, dey all say to me? Wel I say hit back to dem TWO times.

    Sometime hit make me so… hoh, my head-ache, dey have retoorn. Now I sleep.

  10. And what does karma have to say for this?

    By all means the two idiots who attacked the canadians fan deserve to be punished for what they did, but Boston isn’t the only city that has violent fans.

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