Flyers Oust Habs; Carbonneau Disowns Gay Son

In America, our round-the-clock sports channels supersaturate our need for news and reporting.  Take football, for example.  Because there isn’t enough news to actually fill a news cycle, I now know that a Redskins’ rookie tight end can’t operate an alarm clock, much less learn Coach Z‘s playbook.

You don’t get this type of ridicoverage about hockey, (that is, unless, you read our fine sports blog.)  That is, unless you live in Canada.  You see, Canuckistan has the time and space and former hockey players to cover the minutiae that the NHL puts out.  For example, I give you this sound bite from Habs’ Coach Guy Carbonneau prior to Game 6 on Saturday, in reference to his necktie.

“It’s coming out of the closet.”

After the jump, a sound bite from said famous tie, whose name is DO NOT WANT.

“Look Dad, you can’t blame this on me.  I had nothing to do with your stupid game.  I never wanted to play hockey.  I never wanted to be worn while you coached hockey.   But face it, I’m a gift from Mom and you have to love me no matter what.  Unconditionally, you know?  Unconditional means that no matter what, you stick with your feelings, you go with what’s gotten you to where you are.  In other words, it’s the complete opposite of you managing your two goalies.  It’s the complete opposite of Carey Price’s lack of loyalty towards his catching glove. 

I didn’t ask to be a gay necktie, Dad.  But what choice did I have?  I got people excited that there was some hope that the last team in all of Canada could come back and beat a team that has two players who insist you call them Scottie?  How gay is that?  I didn’t want to be a part of your work.  My flashy colors and bold floral and geometrical choices were designed for a different life than the one you’ve given me.  I shouldn’t be the focus of an NHL Eastern Conference Semifinal.  Damn it Dad, I should be the textile of a jazz band cumber bund.

So what now, Dad?  What am I to you now?  Will you ever stop blaming me and start blaming Alexei Kovalev’s inability to come through in the clutch?

Once you come out of the closet, you can’t go back in.”

Postscript: After hearing of his tie’s outburst, Carbonneau went into a fit of rage and killed Tomas Plekanec.

 

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7 Comments

  1. Oh, and I thought Carey Price was coming out of the closet….

  2. @ Frank Costello: Carey Price LOVES the coc— I mean pussy.

  3. Price is STRAIGHT, dammit, as straight as straight can be! He loves the ladies so much he can’t even keep track of them! Too bad imaginary ladies don’t count…

  4. also, the tie is not gay. It looks like some LSD inspired nightmare–“Like there were these stringy things, man, and they were reaching out to get me, man. I was so freaked out, I couldn’t hear my Dead songs, man.”

  5. Also, that is the fugliest tie I have ever seen.

  6. @ wraparoundcurl: You should come into my closet. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Ties! I have garish ties in my closet!

  7. @loser domi: you’re right. No self-respecting gay man would ever wear that tie. It’s hideous.

    What the hell is on it anyhow? I look at it once and it looks floral, Then I blink and I swear it’s seaweed and fish. Then all of a sudden it looks like there’s a chili pepper thrown in there. And now my head just hurts.


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