It recently came to MYFO’s attention that the matchups in the Conference Finals have a unique quality to them: Dallas vs. Detroit and Philadelphia vs. Pittsburgh – DD and PP! That’s some crazy alliteration shit going on right there! As we discussed how we should address this cosmic coincidence, we were left pondering, D-D-P-P, P-P-D-D, P-D, D-P – that’s it! Double Penetration! With that in mind, who better to go deep inside these two series than someone who has had some experience with acts involving double penetration? That’s right, through our contacts at Adam & Eve, we got in touch with the esteemed Fred Smoot and he has agreed to provide his take on the “DP” NHL Conference Finals.
Smoot: The fuck is an NHL?
MYFO: It’s an abbreviation for…
Smoot: Nut on a Ho and Leave?
MYFO: No, National Hockey League.
Smoot: Who are you?
MYFO: Uh, MYFO.
Smoot: Okay. I’m on to you now. It stands for Mouthwash Yourself ‘fore Fellatio Oral?
MYFO: No. Melt Your Face Off.
Smoot: You mean like how your face feels like a glazed donut after going down on a woman?
MYFO: No. We’re a hockey blog.
Smoot: I got in on a blog once. Talk about some crazy bitches! I’ve never seen so many bananas!
MYFO: Alright. So, do you follow hockey at all?
Smoot: I like to play tonsil-hockey with my ding-a-ling, if you know what I mean.
MYFO: I think I do. So what do you think of the matchup in the West between Dallas and Detroit?
Smoot: Oh, like you were telling me earlier about the whole DD thing? Whenever I think of DD, I can’t get this fine lady out of my head that was at my birthday party a couple of weeks ago:
MYFO: But how about the match-up between the two teams?
Smoot: Whenever there are two “teams” matching up, as you put it, I always bust out the Ripple 18″ Double Dildo. The “teams” always know you mean business when you wiggle that thing around. If you hold it in your hand and go up and down real fast it looks like some sort of bird – I call it a Purple-Winged Dongbird.
MYFO: I see. So who do you like in the series, the Red Wings or the Stars?
Smoot: Oh shit. Definitely not the Red Wings – no way Smoot is going to go eating a chick out when she’s on the rag. That’s nasty. If a bitch is bleedin’, I just have her play with my cockenspiel. I even have her hit it with mallets. It’s fun – you should try it.
MYFO: I’ll keep that in mind. So the Stars?
Smoot: Yeah, especially if they are Brown Stars, because that would remind me of my Sword of Love Anal Dildo. Man, if dildos could talk, the stories that thing would tell you…
MYFO: I bet. So if you could sum up the NHL Western Conference Finals in a few words, they would be?
Smoot: Triple Clit-Flicker Vibrating Cock Ring.
MYFO: Excellent. Moving on to the Eastern Conference Finals – Philadelphia vs. Pittsburgh.
Smoot: Ha! PP! Peter Puffer, Pussy Patrol, Prosthetic Penis! I get it!
MYFO: I’m not sure you do, but anyway, your thoughts?
Smoot: Philadelphia sounds like something you could catch from a nasty woman that would make your cock drip. At the same time, Pittsburgh for some reason reminds me of scat play.
MYFO: Because Pitt rhymes with shit?
Smoot: No. Some lady of questionable morals from Pittsburgh let me drop a deuce on her a few years back. I never called her again. So I shit on her after I shit on her! Come to think of it, she was at my birthday party too!
MYFO: She appears like a nice lady. Okay. So the Flyers or the Penguins?
Smoot: To be honest, it’s a battle for state supremacy, as the dynamic Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Philadelphia Flyers. Last season, the Penguins were quickly eliminated from the postseason, falling in five games in the first round to the Ottawa Senators. Meanwhile, the Flyers — perennial contenders prior — finished with the NHL’s worst record and embarked on an aggressive rebuilding effort. So while the Pens have taken a natural step forward in their impressive construction of a Cup contender, the Flyers’ meteoric rise back to prominence has been truly remarkable. Regardless of what happens in this series or the Cup Finals, Philadelphia GM Paul Holmgren should be a shoe-in to win Executive of the Year for his stellar work in the Flyers’ front office. This will likely go down as the fastest — and most effective — rebuilding effort in professional sports history.
MYFO: Wow! That’s impressive. Have you been holding back this whole interview?
Smoot: Nah, I just recited something from FoxSports.com. I had too many windows open in PornTube and had to restart. But I had you going there for a second, didn’t I?
MYFO: Yes you did. I think I might regret asking you this again, but if you could sum up the NHL Eastern Conference Finals in a few words, what would they be?
Smoot: Deluxe Rotating Wall Banger Rabbit Vibrator.
MYFO: I thank you for your time, Mr. Smoot. And good luck next season.
Smoot: I don’t need luck. As I’ve said before, 2/3 of the world is covered by water, I cover the rest. Pshaw!
MYFO: Couldn’t have said it better myself.