The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

Paul: No more skating, no more hooks, no more Leafs’ fans dirty looks! Yay! What do you guys wanna do?

Jake: I wanna go to the zoo!

Luke: I wanna go to the mall!

Sydney: I wanna dive in the pool!

Paul: OK! Great! Those are all, um, great things that we can do. Uh, um, let’s see … if we go to the mall first, then the zoo for a little while, and we can end the day at the swimming pool!

Luke: But the zoo’s awful! The monkey house makes me wanna throw up!

Paul: You do have your father’s iron stomach.

Jake: If we go to the pool, I’m gonna burn! We don’t have a bottle of SPF 500 in the house!

Paul: Darn, I forgot to call NASA.

Sydney: The mall’s no fun, either! The food’s too thick for me! They don’t have my favorite kind of rice gruel!

Paul: Oh, right. Nuts.

Jake: This sucks!

Paul grimaces

Paul: Jake, um, please don’t use that …

Luke: I hate you dad.

Paul: Oh no. The pain’s coming back again. Somewhere in the Meissner’s plexus. It’s spreading quickly. Ohhh, why did I have children?

Sydney, Luke, and Paul all cry and run to their rooms

Paul: SONOFACUNTLICKINGMOTHERFUCKINGPISSDRINKINGPUTAINSCHTOOPING BITCH!!!!

Paul’s cellphone rings

Andrew Raycroft: Did someone call for a babysitter?

Paul: Aw, shucks.

Assist to The Globe and Mail for the pic

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