Ask Dr. Doubt: Pittsburgh and Detroit in the finals? Go Meteor!

It’s time for Ask Dr. Doubt, with your host, Dr. Doubt. If you have questions for Ask Dr. Doubt, please send them to Dr. Doubt at

So Detroit and Pittsburgh have both won Games 1 and 2 fairly convincingly. After the jump, Dr. Doubt takes questions from a few fans on what to do who to root for in this prospective finals series.

Oh! Hello there!

Mallory and Gerald from West Bromfield, Connecticut, writes, “Dear Dr. Doubt, I hate both the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Detroit Wed Wings. What should I do? And who should I root for in this series between the greatest of all evils?”

Well, that’s a very good question, Mallory and Gerald. I’ll need my patented Suckiton helmet!

Prepare to activate!!

The answer’s really quite simple, Mallory and Gerald. Root for the meteor! Hopefully the meteor will land during a Red Wings home game, as Pittsburgh is actually surrounded by a few livable towns. Detroit, however, is full of rednecks and gangster wannabes like Rasheed Wallace! We’ll stuff a few of the knowledgeable people from Michigan (Yostal and Becky_MI are the only two that spring to mind at the moment) into a capsule and send them to better towns with hockey teams that don’t inspire vile hatred to come forth out of normal, rational people’s minds. And if we happen to kill off most of Ohio and even parts of Wisconsin and Illinois in the process, I’m fine with that. I’m even comfortable with sacrificing western Ontario. Not like Hamilton is getting a team any time soon, right Blackberry Boy?

So in conclusion, fuck Detroit, fuck the Red Wings, fuck Hockey Jesus, and fuck Pittsburgh!

Thank you, Dr. Doubt. Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Doubt.



  1. When GM Ken Holland realizes the Red Wings have 18 days before they are obliterated by a meteor the size of Texas, he has only one option – land a ragtag team of roughneck hockey players on the asteroid and shoot a nuclear warhead into its core with a hockey stick. The Wings decide to send Chris Chelios, an aging past-his-prime leader, to head the ragtag group which also features cocky hotshot Pavel Datsyuk (who also happens to be dating Chelios’ daughter and loves animal crackers) and kook Dominik Hasek (who, later, would lose his mind and start swinging his goalie stick at everyone in the shuttle and yelling something about “Osgood”, nearly causing the mission to fail).
    With one final hope, the team would draw straws to see who would stay behind and fire the slapshot into the center of the meteor, destroying it. Hotshot Pavel draws the short straw. As he and Chelios return to the shooting site, Chelios pulls out Pavel’s oxygen feed tube, grabs the stick and forces him back into the shuttle, telling him to take care of Henrik.
    Aerosmith then plays a song.
    The End.

  2. this is ironic, because i was rooting for the meteor on friday in pittsburgh!

  3. I’d settle for some biblical plague to wipe ’em all out. Locusts would rule.

    Try and stop that, Hockey Jesus!

  4. sirHofH FTW!

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