TORONTO (MYFO) – As the international community continues to reel from a series of devastating natural disasters, the National Hockey League and its commissioner, Gary Bettman, held a press conference this morning to unveil their plans to assist in the recovery effort.
“Our market research shows that the people of the world are not currently fond of environmental catastrophes. And since we hope to grow the NHL to a global brand of sport, I’m personally showing our support to the victims by demoting the Carolina Hurricanes, the Colorado Avalanche, and the Tampa Bay Lightning to the American Hockey League (AHL),” Bettman revealed Tuesday.
The past week has seen a number of countries incur devastating losses. Between cyclones in Myanmar, earthquakes in China, tornadoes in the United States, and um, moose stampedes in Canada, the world is looking for some happy news of relief. Fortunately, Bettman has answered the call.
“Natural disasters can be terrifying, we know this much. In recent years, I’ve approved the naming of the Quebec and Hartford relocations, as well as supported the Tampa organization in their expansion choices. All this time, I didn’t realize that nature could actually do the things we so casually references in our box scores and on our merchandise. These things don’t happen in the real world. Maybe in that new Narnia movie, but not in the real world.”
The logistics have yet to be fully worked out, but the Avalanche, Lightning, and Hurricanes can expect to spend next season developing rivalries with teams with names like IceHogs, Monsters, River Rats, and Crunch. By removing these teams with frightful mascots from the public eye, Bettman hopes to casually sweep the issue of natural disasters under the rug. You know, like TV market favoritism.
Coincidentally, all three teams on the demotion block are in need of a swift kick in the pants to get their stalling franchises back on track. Both Tampa and Carolina, recent Stanley Cup champions, are in danger of staring up at Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals for the next decade. As for Colorado, they continue to rely on the sporadic stylings of a Swede that can’t put on flip flops without fracturing a bone.
MYFO was able to reach Carolina goalie Cam Ward for comment.
“I guess I never thought about it before. Yeah, Hurricanes can be deadly. You know that tune, rocking you like a hurricane? I just figured the song was about playing hard, not mass destruction of property and potential loss of life. I feel awful now.”
In unrelated news, Bettman also announced that the Calgary Flames will relocate to Kansas City, and they shall be known as the Adorable Sneezing Puppies.