Jonathan Davis Would Like To Have A Word With You About Sidney Crosby’s Facial Hair

A lot of comments have been made and plenty of ridicule has been heaped upon the Chosen One regarding his slow-developing accumulation of facial hair during the Pittsburgh Penguins’ playoff run. In fact, I even mentioned it in the NHL Closer over on Deadspin on Wednesday which “started a discussion” or two in the comments section.

Despite the fact we were just having a little fun at Sidney’s expense, my inbox was inundated with e-mails regarding the subject, each one more hostile than the last. One of the most surprising came from Jonathan Davis, lead singer of the band KoЯn. He requested a forum in which he could address what he refers to as the “irresponsible hate-mongering and persecution of a true hero”. MYFO was more than happy to oblige.

To all of you MYFO readers and hockey fans out there:

Who the fuck do you think you are? How dare you crack jokes and make a mockery out of some kid just trying to get by? Do you think it’s easy for Sid to wake up every morning, run to the mirror to see if any progress has been made in his quest for masculinity, only to have to walk away with his head down, dejected and depressed?

And it only gets worse for him from there – he then has to go into the locker room of a team he is the fucking captain of, no less, and get treated like a bitch by his teammates! If I were him I wouldn’t take that shit. But you know me; I’m the man who spawned the whole nü metal movement so you gotta believe that I’m one badass motherfucker. Right?

This brings me to my main point. Men that have difficulty growing facial hair that conforms to “society’s” (I put my hands up and made the quotes gesture after I typed this just so you know I’m dead fucking serious) beliefs on what a beard or moustache should look like have taken it on the chin far too long. That is why I decided to create an organization where people like us can seek refuge during our time in need. It is called the:

Brotherhood Of Moustached and Bearded Studs Tired of Accepting Criticism for Hairface Endeavors, or BOMBSTACHE for short.

(Yeah I know Moustached and Hairface aren’t real words – you try coming up with something better, asshole!)

At BOMBSTACHE, there is no judging – just a place where those stricken with this affliction can find a real sense of belonging, you know what I mean?

Membership is open to any and all people who have felt the sting caused by the whispered taunts from those insensitive to our plight. We would like Sidney Crosby to join our organization, and to be sure he knows he will be accepted with open arms, here are some of our current members:

Adam Morrison

Sanjaya Malakar

Orlando Bloom

But you do not need to be a celebrity or an athlete to join our club. Here are some examples:

Ya see? Pretty fucking studly.

And we definitely do not want to forget about those women who have been forced to deal with facial hair issues. That is why we have posthumously bestowed full membership status on Frida Kahlo:

As you can plainly see, our organization is growing. Until we unite as one cohesive entity, we will continue to be oppressed. We must stand together!!

And one last thing: LEAVE SIDNEY ALONE!!!

Sincerely,

Jonathan Davis
President
BOMBSTACHE (Brotherhood Of Moustached and Bearded Studs Tired of Accepting Criticism for Hairface Endeavors)

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17 Comments

  1. I think Madonna’s daughter should join the BOMBSTACHE.

  2. With the hat and the beard, Sid looks like my brother about 3 years ago. It’s kind of scaring me.

    But BOMBSTACHE is an awesome word.

  3. Whoa, I thought Jonathan Davis died back in like 2000 with Fred Durst. Maybe that was their cultural relevance dying off. I suppose it’s easy to get the two jumbled.

    Though, Korn’s cover of Word Up is the most amazing thing ever. Of all time.

    Adam Morrison is a fucking prick. True story. Spokane worships that fucker.

  4. Crosby is a fag!

  5. Really bringing a lot to the table, eh?

  6. Really? My people love my Sidney’s chops theme. We even have a rally chant! “PROTECT THE CHOPS!” But, we love Sid.

  7. After being stuck in WI for a week with only NHL network to watch (and yet no Versus), I was limited to watching post-game interviews, and when I saw Crosby I said to myself “That’s a playoff beard? This is why children shouldn’t be professional athletes.”

    Alas, I’ve seen the error of my ways. Crosby now has a place in BOMBSTACHE, and his peach fuzz has a place in my heart.

  8. @ Caps: Oh you missed the liveblog!

    I feel like I should tell you I was given an Ovie action figure for my birthday. Woot.

  9. Go Pens, Go BOMBSTACHE! Rock on!

  10. @wraparoundcurl: was it one of those action figures with the freakishly large muscles? Because those are amazing…and terrifying.

  11. @ Caps;
    Nope, it was this one: http://tinyurl.com/6qjwwl The nose on the one I got isn’t quite right. I might black out one of his teeth for accuracy.

    I love the ones with the huge arm muscles. They somehow remind me of Rock Em Sock Em Robots.

  12. He’s 20 years old fer crap’s sake. Give him a couple of years! At least he doesn’t look like he should be starring on “Cavemen” like Ovie! Sid can tickle me with that ‘stach any time!!

    You all wish you were as good looking, intelligent, and talented!

    teri in chester, ns

  13. Caps Red Army: I love the BOMBSTACHE thing. Ha.

    Teri: I am as good looking, intelligent, and talented – minus the beard, hockey skills, and being male. You’re right, though, Ovie should’ve used hair clips.

  14. Didn’t read the post but I think it’s absurd that…

  15. Its amazing how differently people treat me and look at me now that I finally had to shave and cut my hair for divorce court !!!!!

  16. I really like what Jonathan Davis said. I respect him for everything that he said.:)(:

  17. I agree with everything that Jonathan Davis had said. I hate it when people are judged just because of what they look like it’s just stupid and it makes people fell bad about themselves when really people should be judged on their personality and I think that nobody should be disrespected it’s just messed up! I totally respect you Jonathan Davis for standing up for him! Nice Job!:)(:


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