A lot of comments have been made and plenty of ridicule has been heaped upon the Chosen One regarding his slow-developing accumulation of facial hair during the Pittsburgh Penguins’ playoff run. In fact, I even mentioned it in the NHL Closer over on Deadspin on Wednesday which “started a discussion” or two in the comments section.
Despite the fact we were just having a little fun at Sidney’s expense, my inbox was inundated with e-mails regarding the subject, each one more hostile than the last. One of the most surprising came from Jonathan Davis, lead singer of the band KoЯn. He requested a forum in which he could address what he refers to as the “irresponsible hate-mongering and persecution of a true hero”. MYFO was more than happy to oblige.
To all of you MYFO readers and hockey fans out there:
Who the fuck do you think you are? How dare you crack jokes and make a mockery out of some kid just trying to get by? Do you think it’s easy for Sid to wake up every morning, run to the mirror to see if any progress has been made in his quest for masculinity, only to have to walk away with his head down, dejected and depressed?
And it only gets worse for him from there – he then has to go into the locker room of a team he is the fucking captain of, no less, and get treated like a bitch by his teammates! If I were him I wouldn’t take that shit. But you know me; I’m the man who spawned the whole nü metal movement so you gotta believe that I’m one badass motherfucker. Right?
This brings me to my main point. Men that have difficulty growing facial hair that conforms to “society’s” (I put my hands up and made the quotes gesture after I typed this just so you know I’m dead fucking serious) beliefs on what a beard or moustache should look like have taken it on the chin far too long. That is why I decided to create an organization where people like us can seek refuge during our time in need. It is called the:
Brotherhood Of Moustached and Bearded Studs Tired of Accepting Criticism for Hairface Endeavors, or BOMBSTACHE for short.
(Yeah I know Moustached and Hairface aren’t real words – you try coming up with something better, asshole!)
At BOMBSTACHE, there is no judging – just a place where those stricken with this affliction can find a real sense of belonging, you know what I mean?
Membership is open to any and all people who have felt the sting caused by the whispered taunts from those insensitive to our plight. We would like Sidney Crosby to join our organization, and to be sure he knows he will be accepted with open arms, here are some of our current members:
But you do not need to be a celebrity or an athlete to join our club. Here are some examples:
Ya see? Pretty fucking studly.
And we definitely do not want to forget about those women who have been forced to deal with facial hair issues. That is why we have posthumously bestowed full membership status on Frida Kahlo:
As you can plainly see, our organization is growing. Until we unite as one cohesive entity, we will continue to be oppressed. We must stand together!!
And one last thing: LEAVE SIDNEY ALONE!!!
BOMBSTACHE (Brotherhood Of Moustached and Bearded Studs Tired of Accepting Criticism for Hairface Endeavors)