Jeremy Roenick Agrees To Terms With San Jose, Confuses Sharks GM Doug Wilson

It has now been confirmed that Jeremy Roenick will be returning to play for the San Jose Sharks next season. Although his production is not at the level it once was, Roenick will nevertheless be a valuable asset as the Sharks try to rebound from a disappointing season that most experts believed would culminate with the goofball Roenick hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup above his head for the first time. Said Roenick:

“I’m so happy to say that I will be back for another year. Super GM Doug Wilson and myself agreed to a deal the other day and I can’t tell you, I am so ecstatic.”

As is usually the case in these kind of situations, there is a little more to the story. One of MYFO‘s many embedded sources that we have scattered throughout the NHL has obtained a transcript of the conversation that occurred between Sharks GM Doug Wilson and Jeremy Roenick that ultimately led to the grizzled veteran agreeing to come back for one more grinding go-round on that crazy ride that is a season in the National Hockey League.

Doug Wilson (into intercom): Grace, could you get Jeremy Roenick on the line for me?

Grace: Certainly. One moment. (a few minutes pass) Mr. Wilson, Mr. Roenick on Line One.

Wilson: Jeremy boy, how are you?

Roenick: Who’s this?

Wilson: It’s Doug. Doug Wilson.

Roenick: Kiss my ass! (hangs up)

Wilson: (into intercom): Grace, could you please try to get Jeremy on the line for me one more time?

Grace: Of course, sir.

Several minutes go by. Doug amuses himself with his Miniature Zen Garden given to him by his brother Murray.

Grace: Mr. Wilson, Mr. Roenick is not answering his cell phone.

Wilson: I don’t trust this guy any further than I can throw him.

Grace: Well, with your bad knee Doug, you shouldn’t throw anybody… It’s true.

Wilson: What is so dangerous about a character like Jeremy Roenick is he gives the young kids bad ideas.

Grace:  Mmm-hmm.

Wilson: Last thing I need at this point in my career is thirty Jeremy Roenick disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this roster.

Grace: Well, he makes you look like an ass is what he does, Doug.

Wilson: Try him again.

(minutes pass)

Grace: I have Mr. Roenick on Line Three, sir.

Wilson: Jeremy! It’s Doug. Doug Wilson.

Roenick: Coach?

Wilson: No, no. That was Ron Wilson. Ummm, he’s not with the team anymore.

Roenick: What?

Wilson: Our former coach – Ron Wilson. He’s been let go.

Roenick: You were jealous! (hangs up)

Wilson: Gosh darnit! This seems like an awful lot of work to let a guy know you are offering him a contract. GRACE!!!

Grace: (sniffing White-Out) Yes??

 Wilson: Get that weasel Roenick on the phone now!!

 Grace: Oh, Doug. You sounded just like Dirty Harry just then.

 Wilson: Really? Thanks Grace.

 Grace: Again, I have Mr. Roenick on Line One.

 Roenick: Whaddya want?

 Wilson: I wanted to let you know we were very happy with your performance last season and that we are offering you a contract to come back and play with the Sharks next year.

Roenick: Well, alright alright. That is my canvas. My easel. That is how I paint, on fresh sheets of ice.

Wilson: So, you’re interested? I’ll fax over the details to your agent.

Roenick: Hold up there, pencil pusher. I’m calling the shots. I know nobody on that team has more points in the National Hockey League than me. So if they want to go that way, good luck.

Wilson: What?!?

Roenick:  They just love to complain about me because I’m an American who gets more press than their Canadian players.

Wilson: Who?

Roenick: The media. But the media picked out the negative stuff. Don’t show snippets of the interview; show the whole interview, the whole message. My message during the interview was: “How do we make the game more appealing to the fans?”

 Wilson: Jeremy, you are not making any sense!

Roenick: To not have the opportunity to go back one more time and try and win the gold is obviously, in my opinion, very disrespectful. They can beat me down and say I’m over the hill or say that I don’t have it anymore, but to me, I know that I do.

Wilson: We’re not talking about the Olympics here, Jeremy.

Roenick: I’m mulling over a lot of things right now and I’m not ruling out retirement.

Wilson: But you just said…

Roenick: It’s not that I want to get paid. I’m trying to decide if I want to play this game again, and right now I don’t think I can.

Wilson: So are you interested or not?

(a large crash in the background)

Roenick: Jesus Christ! They blackballed me!

Wilson: Who?

Roenick: The guys installing my new pool table! They left me with two eight balls and no cue ball! I tried to pick up the balls to take a closer look and they slipped out of my hands and hit me right in the nose!

Wilson: I think you’ll be alright. Can we get back to the point of this discussion?

Roenick: I’m a little shook up. When you take two shots, point blank to the face like I have, it’s a pretty scary thing. I have to see how the neurological stuff turns out and how my body reacts before I do anything.

Wilson: Okay. One last time. Do you want to sign the contract or not?

Roenick: Everyone makes such a big deal about him sometimes. If I didn’t have my own thing going, I would forever feel that I was on the sidelines.

Wilson: Who?

Roenick: Let’s put it this way: The owners are having a hell of a great time saying, ‘We have a partnership now.’ You’re not going to hear me saying that.

Wilson: Jeremy, if you are not happy here, why don’t you go somewhere else where you think you might be more appreciated, perhaps Washington?

Roenick: When we watch hockey games and see 8,000 fans in Washington, D.C., you cringe as a player. Those cities that aren’t pulling their weight in terms of drawing fans and revenue are hurting everybody as a whole, not just that city.

Wilson: Okay. Not Washington.

Roenick: I think the owners got a deal very favorable to them. It gives them leeway to do more than they should be able to do with my salary.

Wilson: Alirght, then. We have a deal?

Roenick: I’m a lot better than my points indicate.

Wilson: So that’s a ‘yes’?

Roenick: You’re just jealous! Kiss my ass! (hangs up)

Wilson: Ahh, fuck it.

The dialogue above by Roenick were taken almost entirely from his Quotes Page on That’s some good stuff right there.



1 Comment

  1. /applauds

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