If A Penguin And An Octopus Got Into A Fight, Who Would Win?

The question posed in the title of this post has confounded biologists for decades (at least the unhinged ones). Now with the Stanley Cup Finals between Detroit and Pittsburgh only one day away, the very same question is presently bouncing inside the heads of hockey fans everywhere as well (at least the unhinged ones).

I did some interweb sleuthing (e-baying and oogling and such) and came across some very interesting information that may help us solve the puzzle of who would win if the mascots for the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins ever were forced to go mano a mano in a battle for the ages.

Unfortunately, I could not find any evidence that an octopus and an penguin have ever crossed each other’s paths in nature, so I was forced to go with more unconventional data.

Let’s start it off with some wildlife videos that show the two animals on the attack:

Sure, the penguin video was creepy in a Night of the Living Dead sort of way, but they certainly did not appear threatening. The octopus, on the other hand, took down a freaking shark. This one is easy.

EDGE: Octopus (Detroit)

Next up, comic book land:

Dr. Octopus VERSUS The Penguin

 Ah yes, Spider-Man’s mortal enemy Dr. Octopus and Batman’s foil The Penguin. I know, comic book nerds, that Doc Ock is from the Marvel Universe and The Penguin is from DC, but do not forget about the Marvel Comics vs. DC series in 1996, so it is possible.

So who would win? I’d put my money on Dr. Octopus. With his electrically powered, telescoping prehensile titanium-steel tentacle appendages and knowledge of atomic physics, he would obviously be able to outwit and overpower the underworld mindset and whatever sort of umbrella contraption The Penguin could think up.

EDGE: Octopus (Detroit)

Next up is something called “Octupus Attack on Club Penguin”:

The video is a bit strange and the music choice was terrible. Nevertheless, you have to give this one to the Octopus.

EDGE: Octopus (Detroit)

We know go to an odd story regarding a highway accident in which an octopus and penguins were involved:

Two dozen penguins, an octopus and some tropical fish were scattered along a Texan highway this week after a truck transporting zoo animals overturned into a ditch.

One penguin died in the crash and three were killed by oncoming traffic, authorities said. Another penguin broke a wing. Most of the fish survived and the octopus appeared unharmed. The octopus and fish were being transported in plastic bags and some fish died when the bags burst, said public safety trooper Richard Buchanan.

The animals were being moved from the Indianapolis Zoo to Galveston.

Given the facts, this was an easy call as well.

EDGE: Octopus (Detroit)

Finally, I discovered during my research that there is a ska band out there named Distorted Penguin and that they have a song called “Pearl Octopus”. The lyrics to said song:

Piercing the skin
Blood running thin
The water rapidly
Flows from tenacity
Just look at, look at you
You are a wreck
You broke the contract due
Today if I’m correct

Pearl octopus
Swimming my way
Treading deep inside
But what can I say
Helpless thoughts
Stuck in my head
Pearl octopus tentacles met
Magnetic undertow
Between the lines
Marble stone paper
And words that rhyme
I hear silence
Rattling my brain
Falling to pieces
At my own game

Ummm, yeah. I have no idea what that means, so I’ll give this one to the Penguins – mostly because I feel sorry for how they have fared thus far.

EDGE: Penguins (Pittsburgh)

So there you have it – I think. In a battle of superiority between representations of the mascots of the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins, the Octopus reigns supreme.

Man, I really need to drink more. 

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5 Comments

  1. But what about all of The Penguin’s henchmen? Oh yeah–they sucked.

  2. San Jose wouldn’t have won the West anyway.

  3. I would say that octopus vs shark video would have been a perfect metaphor for the Detroit/San Jose series… if the sharks didn’t have their annual 2nd round meltdown.

  4. That octopus video was kinda fascinating.

  5. What about King Dedede? He’s a penguin with a big mallet who eats people. And he has an army of minons, which is undeniably awesome.


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