Bring on Angola!

Apparently, if you can arrange so that your biggest draws in your league can advance to your Finals, even 4-letter Connecticuttian media hegemons will take notice.

Special to ESPN.com (meaning ESPN.com thinks he’s retarded), Damien Cox penned an article the other night that likens everyone’s favorite hockey savior to our version of Larry Bird.  And since every doofy comparison requires a Magic, it appears that our friend OVIE TIME has won the right to play the Laker on ice.  Bird and Magic = Crosby and Ovechkin?  Sigh.  Damien Cox, if you wanted to create an obtuse analogy, you would have done the following.

MYFO Presents: The 2008 NHL Dream Team (now, with less Laettner!)

Larry Bird: SIDNEY CROSBY

Dr. Cox really has made the case better than I can (or really wish to), so we’ll just assume that this one’s a given.  And since most of Bird’s glory years came in an era slightly predating my interest in basketball, I haven’t seen much of his playing footage.  I’m just going to have to assume that anytime Spud Webb or Jeff Hornacek came near him he rocketed his body down to the parquet of the Garden in hopes of drawing a shooting foul. 

Magic Johnson: ALEXANDER OVECHKIN

Really, how much different can Showtime be from OVIE TIME?  The passing accuracy and brilliance, the replay-inducing scoring skills, the energy, the leadership on a team of individuals – it’s all there.  God, I want this comparison to be accurate.  Why?  Because I look forward to the OVIE Hour, coming to a late-night timeslot on Fox near you, as well as a series of movie theaters where the only rule is Dolph Lundgren cameos in every picture.  Or concession stand.  Whichever.  In the meantime, Ovechkin has insisted that the rivalry with Crosby is very real, and he shall dedicate his life to battling this deadly disease.

Michael Jordan: MIKE MODANO

What is it to Be Like Mike?  Well, you can be one of the most prolific American scorers in your sport.  You can find your way into memorable roles in early-90’s kids movies (Space Jam, The Mighty Ducks).  You can remain a force in the playoffs by merely willing good things to happen.  This is even.  Until you evaluate the fact that Modano goes home to Willa Ford at the end of the day.  Which Mike do you want to be like now?

John Stockton: JOE THORNTON

I can’t imagine Stockton made it through the high school ranks by just being able to pass the ball well.  Guys in high school who pass the ball well pass the ball well because they can’t shoot.  But there had to be a scorer’s touch there – otherwise, that scholarship to Gonzaga never materializes.  And yet, we now remember Stockton as a great NBA player who was a master at distribution.  How is this an admirable comparison to the 6-4″ captain and center for the San Jose Sharks.  It’s not.  It’s just our backhanded way of telling The Big Man, Hey Joe, SHOOT THE GODDAMN PUCK every now and then.

Scottie Pippen: EVGENI MALKIN

Evgeni writes MYFO, “Why must you torture me with all of these Scotties??”  Fair point, fictional Malkin.  You just spent the Eastern Conference Finals soundly beating a Flyers team that dresses not one but TWO grown men who insist on the name Scottie.  And then, MYFO decides to give you the Dream Team roster spot of Mr. Pippen?  On what grounds?  I’ve got two words: ETERNAL.  UNDERSTUDY.  Tell you what, Malk.  Win a Cup this year, maybe one the next, and then take a paycheck to play out your days in St.Louis or Atlanta or somewhere far away from Sidney Christ.

Charles Barkley: RAY EMERY

Any knucklehead can play goalie for the Ottawa Senators.   And yes, the greater part of Canada thought Ray’s early-season slump and lack of focus was tyrrhible.  What it comes down to is that some people are meant to be star players in their league of choice, and some are meant to eat the entire breakfast menu at IHOP.  And without Wade Redden next year to clear the crease, Sens fans can’t be too pleased that Emery is our choice for the Round Mound of Rebound.

Patrick Ewing: MATS SUNDIN

Here’s the case for Mats Sundin.  He’s been a perennial all-star on the biggest hockey market in Canada.  He’s weather the good and the bad years without complaining much.  Even in his later years, he’s manage to lead his team in scoring.  He’s got a handful of playoff appearances, and has even won some international competitions.  And yet, I have more Stanley Cups in our china cabinet that Mats Sundin has provided for the hallways of the Air Canada Centre.  Bill Simmons on Line 1.

Chris Mullin: JAROME IGINLA

Token white black guy.

 

 

 

 David Robinson: ZENDO Chara

Every Dream Team needs an abnormally tall guy.  There has to be a guy for the lesser competition to just gawk at, wondering how in the hell a guy so big can play at such a high skill level.  This is what happened in 1992, no doubt.  Somehow, the rest of the world hadn’t made the connection that their taller citizens should stop breaking their backs plowing the rocks and and pick up an Orange Roundie.  And since this hockey crew is already international, it’s a logical leap to figure we’re going to have to play against aliens.  There, I said it.  ZENDO Chara is on this team to protect us from the aliens.

Clyde Drexler: PAVEL DATSYUK

ESPN and the National Hockey League insists that I include a Detroit Red Wing in this countdown.  Turning our attention to “Hockeytown,” it would be nice to include Lidstrom on this team – clearly the best Wing there is.  But Drexler is a man who understands the finer things in life – his Dancing with the Stars appearance serves as proof for his ladylike ways.  As for ladylike ways, it’s only a matter of time before I become a prophet.

Christian Laettner: RICK DIPIETRO

Hey there, college boy.  Just because you’re the big man on campus, doesn’t mean you’re a sure thing in the pros.  (Good thing for the T-Wolves, a former player didn’t become GM and sign Captain Duke to a 15-year deal.)

Karl Malone: ILYA KOVALCHUK RYAN MALONE

Sorry, Ilya, our seamstress just quit.  You’re cut.  (That’s what we get for paying her in Versus posters.)

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. Wait, if Ovechkin is Magic Johnson, does that mean he’ll get AIDS? I’d like my Ovie AIDS-free, please and thank you.

  2. Until Ovechkin is able to play goaltender despite his build for forward, he is no “Magic” Johnson.

    Also, he needs to be from Arlington, VA to have the local connection to DC like Earvin to Michigan St.

  3. What is with the cowcrapper? He is worse than the Mike and Kike show, geeez, espn has become npr with extra women. What a joke!


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s