Guess What Will Be Making An Appearance On “The Tonight Show” This Evening?

The whirlwind publicity tour for the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings begins in earnest tonight as Chris Osgood and Nicklas Lidstrom will appear Tuesday night on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. They are even bringing along Lord Stanley’s Cup, so be sure to tune in (I can’t believe I just wrote that about Leno). I’m sure we can all agree that Jay Leno is an insufferable douchebag and the question at hand is: will their appearance on the show be more awkward or more aggravating? MYFO takes a hypothetical look, after the jump.

Jay: W-w-well, we got a great show…great show tonight…Kevin…d-d-don’t you agree?

Kevin: Ha ha ha!

Jay: No really, do you notice how my voice gets all high and whiny whenever I say something? Like right now, when I wrap up this sentence, my voice begins to rise ever so slightly…h-h-have, have, have you noticed THAT?

Kevin: Ha ha!

Jay: Well, tonight we have real special gueststonight, we welcome Nickolai Lindsberg and Chris Osbad to the show. And they have a special treat…yes they do…the GREATEST trophy in professional sport – the Cup of Stanley!

Kevin:  Ha ha!

Jay: Kevin, that’s not a joke. They are really here! They are backstage as we speak.

Kevin: (plays funky guitar riff) Ha ha ha ha!!

Jay: Kevin, they play ice hockey professionally. I guess that means you don’t know anything about them, you know, since you’re black…or do you, you folks like to be called colored again?

Kevin: (plays an even funkier guitar riff) Ho-ho-ha! Ha!

Jay: You ever, you ever notice how all the players kiss…the Stanley Cup when they win it? I tell ya, that trophy has been passed around more often than blame at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters!!

Kevin: Oh!!

Jay: No, seriouslyseriously…they call it a Cup, but, but you know, you know…it doesn’t resemble a cup…that’s like saying Pam Anderson’s chest is moderately-sized.

Kevin: Ha-hee-hee-ha-haaaaa! Ha ha! Ho-ho-ha!!

Jay: But seriously, seriously here. They are great champions, great guys, seriously.  Did, did anyone watch any of the games on NBC?

(a few in the crowd applaud)

Jay: I tell ya, NBC hasn’t had lower ratings since The Michael Richards Show.

(crowd groans)

Kevin: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

Jay: We’ll be right back with the Stanley Cup!

(Kevin and the band play Jay off with a funky version of  “Rock and Roll (Part Two)”

Jay: Okay, we are pleased to welcome, Chris Osgood, Nicklas Lidstrom and the Stanley Cup!

(the band, for some reason plays “O Canada”)

Jay: Thanks for coming, thanks for coming, guys. Wow that’s some trophy…so, what’s it for?

Nicklas: It’s the Stanley Cup…like you said.

Jay: That’s great…just great.

Chris: We get the trophy for winning the championship in the NHL.

Jay: It’s real shiny…like all of my cars. Do you mind if “The Dancing Itos” have a crack at holding it?

Chris: The Dancing Itos? Isn’t that a little played out?

Jay: I’m going to bring it out on my next “Jaywalking”.

Nicklas: I don’t think so.

Jay: YOU know, if Larry Craig would have had the Stanley Cup with him, he wouldn’t have been able to proposition that cop in the airport bathroom!

Kevin: Har-hahhhhhh! Ha ha! Ho-ho-ha!

Chris: That doesn’t even make sense. Is this all you do?

Jay: Pretty much. Well, the writers, the writers do most of the writing.

Nicklas: You suck. You’re not funny.

Jay: Oh yeah?

Chris: Yeah, why don’t you do your Top 10 List now, jerk-off?

Jay: No one talks to me like that! No one!! Johnny Carson picked me! He picked ME!

(Jay jumps Osgood. Chris proceeds to pull Jay’s suit coat over his head and begins reigning blows to Leno’s kidneys. Lidstrom begins to join in, landing haymakers to Leno’s giant chin)

Kevin: Ha ha hee ha hee ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

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6 Comments

  1. Your fake jokes are funnier than Jay’s actual jokes.

    / gets angry when people shorten his name to “LeNo”

  2. I don’t like Jay Leno. At all. They should’ve been guests on Conan.

  3. Well, Kevin’s usually seems stoned off his gourd anyway, so that explains that.

    Thanks for telling us that Lenoceur. Just good for future reference kinda thing

  4. @ Dani: You totally beat me. Conan is amazing. That hair! The paleness!

    Weed, you forgot to some how work in a dated Bill Clinton joke.

  5. This reminds me of the Jay Leno/Sid Crosby fanfic I’m working on…

  6. Bowie, the world needs to see your art.


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