If the NHL Awards Show Aired But No One Knew It Was On, Did It Really Even Happen?

Even though it seems like the NHL doesn’t want you to know, the Awards Show is in fact taking place Thursday night in Toronto. Oh sure, it’s airing on Versus at 7:00 in the States (and on CBC for our brothers and sisters in Canuckistan), but did you know that? Why aren’t they promoting an event like this more? I could find nary a mention that it actually is going to be broadcast on either Versus or NHL.com’s web sites. This is all nhl.com had to offer – and it doesn’t even mention when it will be on. An event like this is showbiz, baby, and needs to be treated as such. Shit, I have been involved in Bowling League Banquets that were better publicized.

The question is: where in the fuck is the NHL Hype Machine? Are they taking the summer off now? Don’t they realize that there is no such thing as the offseason anymore when if comes to marketing your product? They should take a page from the NFL Guidebook on Pimping Your League which clearly states: “ram every single iota of information down the fans’ throats every single day of the year whether they think they want it or not.”

Sooner or later, the fans become the human equivalent of Pavlov’s dogs, salivating at the mere mention of any new piece of information. Once this is accomplished, they don’t just want to know – they need to know.

And by the way, NHL Hype Machine, in case you folks failed to realize it, the league is coming off one of the most successful postseasons (ratings-wise) in years and you’re choosing to go out like this? With nothing more than a whimper? The NHL Awards Show could have been the culmination of all the great things that have been accomplished by the National Hockey League this season. It should have been treated like the goddamn Oscars.

This is where MYFO wishes to enter into the equation. You gotta give the people what they think they want. And we have some ideas on how to go about just that.

Obviously, it is far too late for us to do anything this year to help, but how about MYFO is put in charge of the NHL Awards Show next year? Consider this post our formal request to assume the duties of Executive Producer for next season’s Awards Show as well as our initial proposal on how we would go about it.

Picture this for a pitch: The 2009 NHL Awards Show hosted by The Kids in the Hall.

Think about it, it makes perfect sense – the Awards Show is in Toronto, The Kids in the Hall formed in Toronto. More than that, KITH are well-known to be passionate hockey fans. I’m sure they would leap at the opportunity.

If you are not familiar with The Kids in the Hall and their affinity for hockey, why don’t you check out the transcript to their sketch “After the Hockey Game”?

Um, well, okay, maybe that sketch wasn’t the best example – but trust me, they are huge hockey fans nevertheless. Imagine the NHL Awards Show hosted by these brilliant comedians peforming as some of their well-known characters?

My thoughts are that we would open the show with a “30 Helens Agree” sketch:

Announcer: 30 Helens agree…

Thirty Helens: (in unison) Hockey rules!

Helen Bryant: It’s the greatest game in the world!

[The Helens all nod in agreement]

Announcer: 30 Helens agree: Hockey rules.

Just imagine the hilarity that would ensue when Mark McKinney took the stage as the Chicken Lady and handed out the Hart Trophy? I imagine it would go something like this:

Chicken Lady: I’m a Chicken Lady. If any of you sampled the Deviled Eggs backstage they came from my body. Cause it adds up! Cause it adds up! And the Hart Memorial Trophy goes to…*squawk*…Alexander Ovechkin!

Ovie: Wow. Thanks so much. Of course I was nervous. I’m getting older and I’m getting more experience, but I’m still nervous and sweating a little…

Chicken Lady: (interrupting) Gotta get laid…gotta get laid.

Ovie: So, um, thanks.

Chicken Lady: *squawk* Chicken Lady loves life!!

Or perhaps the Lady Byng Trophy being presented by Simon & Hecubus, as performed by Kevin McDonald and Dave Foley?

Simon: Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. Hello, I am Sir Simon Milligan. And now I would like to bring on one who could be the spawn of Satan himself. Manservant Hecubus. Good evening Hecubus. Are you ready?

Hecubus: I am ready to serve you master. And Satan!

Simon: Hecubus, we are here to present the trophy to the most gentlemanly player in the NHL. Are you ready?

Hecubus: No.

Simon: Pardon?

Hecubus: No.

Simon: Evil! Evil! Impolite and Evil! Hecubus, do you know who is going to win the Lady Byng Trophy?

Hecubus: Yes I do, Master. It is Pavel Datsyuk.

Simon: But Hecubus, I was supposed to announce the winner! Evil! Evil! It is now time for the sleep of ages. Sava Lava Cuti.

And how about the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy presented by none other than Cancer Boy played by the one and only Bruce McCulloch?

Cancer Boy: Hi, everyone. I’m Cancer Boy. I’m here to present the Masterton Trophy which is awarded every year to the player that shows the most perseverance and dedication to the game of hockey. I would like to win a trophy, but there’s no hope for me.

[woman hands Cancer Boy the trophy]

Cancer Boy: (wincing) Ow. Oh, that’s okay. My marrow is just low. And the winner is: Jason Blake!

Jason Blake: Wow. I just want to say this is quite an honor. When I was diagnosed with leukemia, all that kept me going was hockey…

Cancer Boy: (interrupting) Every day’s a gift!

Of course, I could go on and on and go right down the line and come up with skits for the presentation for all the trophies featuring some of the most loved and revered KITH characters, but I think everyone can see where MYFO is going with this. (And we want to save a few for our second meeting with NHL Brass, right?)

But one last thing: the house band would of course be Rod Torfulson’s Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk.

And it would be a grave injustice if they did not close out the show with their song “Trampoline Girl”:

“She’s a tramp, she’s tramp, she’s a trampoline girl…”

So all you MYFO fans out there, write your Congressman and State Representatives…nah, that ain’t going to work.

Better yet, e-mail the NHL and inform them that you want MYFO to produce next year’s NHL Awards Show, and if we have our way, featuring history’s greatest comedy troupe, The Kids in the Hall.

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8 Comments

  1. I’m only in this if Scott Thompson and Don Cherry present the Selke Award.

    “Scott, these shot blockers took more black rubber than your asshole”.

    “Don, I’d let you backcheck me anyday.”

  2. So…um…which one of you gets to meet Gary at the bus station and “take him to a Leaf game”?

  3. To this day, every time I see a guy in a Leafs sweater I think of “After the Hockey Game.”

  4. What, your not letting me present the Norris Trophy? Is it because…I’ve got a cabbage on my head?!?

  5. *You’re

  6. I’m watching the Red Carpet show on the NHL Network now… it’s beyond awkward. Maybe the fact that there are like five guys in the league with actual personalities is why they don’t publicize this stuff.

  7. Who is getting their head crushed? Oh wait–was that the Frantics? Shit , I don’t remmeber much of anything now.

  8. […] Anybody excited about the NHL awards tonight? Anybody? [Melt Your Face Off] […]


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