It’s an Honor Just to Be Patronized

(First off, do not underestimate the power of the live blog.  See the post below this for details.)

You have to love tonight’s Awards Show, or any award show for that matter.  All we’re doing is bestowing honors on people for being great at what they do for a living.  Here’s what you don’t realize – they already know they’re great.  They don’t need shiny pointy things to prove it.  So sure, you can celebrate their greatness, as well as the two also-rans who have to clap politely as the winners ascend that glorious staircase of achievement. 

Speaking of which, the process of releasing official nominees to the public seems unnecessary, no?  After all, the league is merely identifying the second and third best players at a respective skill.  It’s a little known fact that the NHL actually ranks ALL eligible players in each category from first to last.  They may only let us know the top three, but I assure the people of MYFO, they’ve got it itemized right down to the very worst player.

Today we celebrate those very worst players with the 1st Annual NHL Lasties, probably brought to you by Edge Shave Gel and those Creepy Jet Pack Girls who Fly Up Your Nose.

The Selke Award: Dishonors go to DANNY BRIERE, PHILADELPHIA FLYERS.

Our Awards Committee figured the way to determine the worst defensive forward would be someone who is a prolific scorer at one end of the ice, clutch on the power play, and an example to his team.  Also, the recipient apparently thinks that skating back into his own defensive zone will give him cancer.  It’s okay, Briere accepts this award and plans to donate it to the trendy decor of his local Javahaus.

The Pearson Award: Dishonors go to ALL THE ANAHEIM DUCKS.

The Pearson celebrates excellence in the regular season.  Apparently, as for the recipient’s performance in the playoffs – all bets are off.

The Calder Trophy: Dishonors go to…TANNER GLASS, FLORIDA PANTHERS

So insignificant you probably think I made this one up.  But nay, you skeptics, he’s real and he’s far from spectacular.  Glass dressed for exactly half of the Panthers’ games, and when he did, averaged a mere 8 minutes of ice time.  What does he have to show for his 5 and a half hours of pro ice time?  1 goal.  1 assist.  Sometimes it’s best to spend the whole season in the AHL.  Sure, we could have picked Columbus’ Jared Boll or Philly’s Riley Cote, but they at least spend their time punching people in the mouth.

The Lady Byng: Dishonors go to…SEAN AVERY, NEW YORK RANGERS

 Like you had any doubt.

The Vezina Trophy: Dishonors go to…RAY EMERY, OTTAWA SENATORS

The easy choice here would have been Johan Hedberg of Atlanta.  With a 3.46 GAA, it appears that even Tanner Glass could have racked up a hat trick in A-Town.  However, when dealing with the truly ghastly, one must look past statistics.  That’s why Emery is our king.  Not only did he rank in the bottom three of GAA AND Save Percentage, he lost a slam dunk starting job on a contending team, all while training for the wrong fucking sport.  In the words of the incomparable Peter Venkman, Nice thinkin’, Ray.

The Masterton Trophy: Dishonors go to…JARKKO RUUTU, PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Something about his face says, “I kick small puppies onto the freeway, and I kind of like it.”

The Norris Trophy: Dishonors go to…DAN BOYLE, TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING.

We fully understand that Boyle’s season was a tad on the cursed side.  Anytime your locker room has been programmed to maim you, it’s probably best to skate with one eye peeled for evil.  The problem with Dan Boyle, it appears he kept neither eye on the forwards programmed to score on the Lightning.  Various injuries prevents Danny Boy from playing a whole lot, with only 37 games to add to his career statistics.  However, in those 37 games, #22 managed a plus/minus of -29.  Holy crap, that’s prolific.  Just because you’re now the all-time leading scoring defenseman for your franchise (suck on it, Kubina), doesn’t mean you were downright lousy.

The Hart Trophy: Dishonors go to…RADEK BONK, NASHVILLE PREDATORS.

Sure, it would have been easy to pick a fading veteran who barely manage to crack his team’s lineup on a nightly basis and then contribute nothing, but why should we go that route when Bonk is a fading veteran who managed to play nearly every game and then contribute nothing?  It’s one thing to play sporadically and get rusty.  It’s another to remain in game shape and play as a shadow of former expectations.  Bonk, now playing for his 19th NHL franchise (est.), managed a mere 29 points this year, all while racking up a staggering -31 plus/minus.  Sure, the other players at the bottom of that stat (Boyle, Richards) suffered for the vacuum of sucktitude that inhabited Tampa for much of the season, but Bonk managed to be on the ice when opposing lamps were lit while playing on a playoff team.  We here at MYFO feel that he must exchange his excellent hockey name for something less awesome.  Like Kelly Kisio Number 2.  (This is known as the Tim/Rock Raines Principle.)

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1 Comment

  1. Wow, I’m not the only one who thinks those jet pack girls are creepy? Thank God!


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